THE FELLOWSHIP OF SUFFERING


DSCN3556 John 15:13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

Journal Entry, March3, 2017

My quest to find answers to the tormenting mystery of the JAW-mouth Dystonia continues. Each hour, I continue to rely heavily on Father giving me the strength to endure, uncomplainingly. My seasonal job, delivering telephone books door-to-door, started last week and my body is weary. from the windy-cold and the physical exertion.  Unlike  several years ago, when I bitterly complained to Father that I should be on tour with my incredible band. I told him, how hard it was to have do such humbling work when He had blessed me with such talent. And then the added grief of being misunderstood, alienated from wonderful fellowship and dealing with a tormentically distracting movement disorder was more than any human to bear. Even now, the pain in my (now also)  left jaw is painful and  I can barely stand to do anything. The past nine years of this  horrendous disorder (and the thought that there is no reversal for the damaged joints should cause me to sink into utter depression). Honestly, it has been lonely beyond belief and at times, I deem my small music-compassionate outreach, Brave Flame Productions-Outreach a thankless job, (at times). I am a very social person and  cherish the camaraderie of friends and loved ones being emotionally and spiritually connected with me.

Nevertheless, I realize that this ongoing suffering has brought about great change in my spiritual outlook and Father’s glorious workmanship in my life. This realization had brought me to create my 5 part-series journalism-color photographs and devotional series, ARISE FROM YOUR GRAVE. It has also compelled me to record and produce songs for two concurrent albums, a prophetic rock , Mod Prophet and a worship album, The Anointing, (His presence). One would expect that the result would be a publishing book deal and distribution or at least interest in the recorded works.  My book series still await  publication and my albums are still incomplete.

I wait upon the Lord, for He will renew my strength. What strength? For any passionately creative person in the midst of projects, there’s always the hope of success and renown. For the child of God, renown would be being sought after for the expertise of the skill. There is dealing with the disappointment of struggling financially and/or having few customers-patrons. So, I tell Father, more than anything… I wish to be in His perfect will.

This prayer brought me to place and realization of the precious treasure of His presence and company. In this quiet place of seeking Him above even success in my creative endeavors, He shows me what he truly values as spiritual wealth and abundance.

Each morning, as I arise to consciousness, I’ve disciplined my spirit to mediate on several verses. I have had to train myself because the left jaw is so violently  spastic that I awoke several times during the night in great pain. I didn’t want to succumb to anger or bitterness as I had with my past Lyme Disease battle in 1992.

Psalm 19:14

14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Once awake, I ask Holy Spirit to order my steps and  focus me on what scripture He wants me to meditate on.  During the next hour, He will show me someone who needs a prayerful phone call, a hand-made card or care package. Yesterday, a Christian sister’s name popped into my spirit. I said, “Okay Abba, I will call Jackie, (not her real name)”

sisters-comforting

When .I called Jackie, she replied, “That is amazing, Anita. I was thinking of you just yesterday and i was going to call you.” She asked me how I was doing with my jaw-mouth situation and I immediately gave her details of how I thought I was stopping my own healing. I slipped more often than I’d liked, saying  things like, day , “I can’t do that because of this disabling TMJ-Dystionia.” Lately, I was at least catching myself in mid sentence and repenting and saying, I am healed.” Jackie  admitted she was also speaking sickness over herself., her lungs and poor breathing. Jackie’s lungs had deteriorated so bad in the past year that she was on oxygen all day! I was thankful, that though my jaw-throat situation was very painful and distracting, at least I could drive and walk around freely. Jackie then confessed that during her seeking prayer to God about her suffering, she had deep, unresolved grief about her childhood and past.

I was astounded hen she mentioned her deep grief because i  was presently getting victory over my own many losses by reading a wonderful deliverance book, Pray Through It  by Rob Morrisette. The author was very detailed about the traumas and strongholds of his counselees and I was getting freer and freer reading about the victorious testimonies of the people.  Rob’s counseling manner was very detailed and he stressed bringing every painful incident to God in prayer and asking for healing. Jackie was very excited and wrote down the name of the book. I also shared with her about my joy of participating on the conference telephone line several hours each day with passionate prayer warriors across our nation. I told her how strengthened I was in their company and the powerful anointing of their prayers. She admitted to feeling judged around other brethren  and I felt she was constrained by a spirit of unworthiness. Jackie also took down the conference prayer call number and I prayed with her.

At the end of our discourse, Jackie was in tears and prayed for me. She thanked God for me being obedient God had put me on her heart the day before, but she didn’t call and was grateful that I was spiritually sensitive. I was deeply humbled and broken that Father was so gracious to even use me in such a way..to build up and strengthen my precious sister who  said she felt she was backslidden!

This call was a confirmation that I was  right where Father wanted me to be, sitting in his love and waiting for direction. My direction happens to be the gift of edifying, building up my brothers and sisters who feel broken  weak and unworthy.  Father is not so concerned about my creative endeavors, (however God-inspired they are) but about developing intuitiveness to the needs and brokenness of my brethren. In order to have sensitivity to ascertain that my brother and sister needs tenderness, encouragement or a tangible need, (such as rent money or groceries), I need to stay deeply connected and deeply compassionate, however rough or irresponsible they may seem. I’ve desperately longed for patience, long-suffering and understanding about my weird  movement (with loud voice) disorder and have often been judged harshly and misunderstood. But Father has used these painful times so I can learn long-suffering and kindness.  Separating myself unto Him and worshiping with a thankful heart has borough me to precious places of surrender, where I can give out of a pure heart. Though my physical reserves, (my energy) seem limited, my capacity to  love has so increased. Father is nurturing my capacity to love deeper than a surface level. If I encounter relationships were a brethren seems difficult, a nuisance or unpleasant to be around, I ask Father to remind me that there may be deeply-rooted generational issues or traumas from childhood and up.

The Pray It Through, book  has been eye-opening resource to delve deeply into the hearts of my brothers and sisters and where Father can groom me to love, not just in word and deed, but true empathy! I believe this is what causes strife and rejection in the body. We say we love  (and pray for) our brother or sister from afar, yet we will not come forth in honesty and reason at the table with them and our Heavenly Father.

I pray that my brothers and sisters take a deeper look at their season of suffering and submit it to our Abba. He will show us how he is breaking down ideologies of tradition, religion and even relationships, (as the secular arena perceives them). Our ways are not God’s ways and our thoughts are not His. He uses the weak, broken , ugly things, and even small, insignificant (according to the world’s standards) ministries.

He has made everything beautiful in His time. Ecc 3:11

When mega-churches and mega-ministries crumble at His glorious appearance because they did not minister to the orphans, widows and  foreigner, those ministries build on His compassion will thrive and be the lighthouse to the nations!

Let us remember that the temporary sufferings and lacks are not worthy to be compared with the glories which await us in heaven! be encouraged my brother and sister! God sees and he is pleased.

I WILL NOT LAY DOWN


DSCN2164

Ministering to elderly and sick nursing homes residents with Pee-Wee.

Note to Readers: My journaling of my battle with Dystonia-TMJ is to bring awareness to friends l loved ones in the hopes of giving more help, compassion and understanding to our deficiencies. I also hope doctors and medical personnel can understand the various areas of our lives that are restricted  and inhibit by inability to administer to our former duties, responsibilities and personal creative endeavors.  These journal entries and (medical personnel involved) . Our symptoms may even affect our judgement and/or mental-emotional prowess before we  had our condition. The utmost patience and compassion is needed for us to be contributors to our father’s kingdom. May our prayers, not just  for Dystonia, Alzheimer, Dementia ( or any other victim of a health disorder,)  not just be for our immediate healing, (so we don’t have to be inconvenienced) but to teach us patience and forbearance.

Journal Entry,  July 5, 2016

Just woke up to another overcast day, promising more rain. I don’t complain because many states are in a water crisis. My vegetable garden is flourishing, but the barometer and humidity has wrecked havoc with my jaw joints. When atmospheric pressure changes,  my neck muscles, nerves and jaws go berserk, making it almost impossible to accomplish any thing with merit. It’s going on two weeks trying to get together two of my best story to send to Guidepost inspirational magazine. I’m also waiting to get motivated to send m art package to a greeting card company here in Paterson, NJ.

Each day is different in this season of TMJ Dystonia in regards to what I’m able to accomplish, but it’s always the same regarding my determination to receive my miracle manifestation of healing. God has still not answered my question regarding what purpose this tormenting condition persists.  At times my flesh reminds me that it’s going on nine years and if God had a great plan for me, how could He be so cruel to allow it to linger and so curtail my vivaciousness and productivity. I remind myself that Abba is a good God and everything He gives is wonderful and needful to His children. One thing I know for sure ..that His ways are perfect and He does know how much I’m suffering. Satan’s plan is always to ambush our minds and barrage us with a continual spray of doubting questions, physical pain and our focus of it.

At times when I have a moment of peace, such as when I’m pulling acorn seedlings in my yard, I feel His gentle presence. Oddly, my muscles rest and my jaw is calm. My jaw and throat also seem to get calmer while I’m focusing on my fine bead work. But mostly, I’m groaning in agony as I press forward, (much like pushing through a tropical impenetrable forest),  through each hour to make it to bedtime. Here is where I rely on Father’s strength each day for sanity! When the neck spasms get so bad that I fall on the floor and writhe in pain, I can’t bare to be alive. Here is where I have to take captive that demonic spirit of suicide, death and insanity. I can’t explain to anyone except someone enduring daily pain on a scale of 8 or nine every waking moment of their lives.

After these many years, I deal with  the grief of losing a good chunk of my life. A dark season of nine years is a lot. I know brother Joseph, in the Bible, had to bear thirteen years of incarceration, but having a agonizing and distracting bodily condition is a whole new ball game. The most painful thing for me is deducing my relationship with Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit. I’ve always believed that valid and thriving  relationship with the Lord had to be true and breath-takingly reverent. My prayer times are anything but reverential  There’s a whole lot of shaking and  jerking going on, hardly my idea of anything pleasing to God!  My focused prayer and devotions to Him are at best , sporadic. (I’m just being transparent with you). I often go in to prayer expecting  the outcome to be detached and superficial because  mostly… I weep through the whole time! Whew. Imagine struggling through your talking to father God?

“Father forgive me for being this way.”

Maybe tomorrow, I will have no more spasms and I can joyfully never and praise him. This is the uncharted waters that the Bible doesn’t address, so I have to contend with disgust of my inability to give Father my best and to even give Him His proper due.

The other devastating thing i that doctors I’ve seen have no idea where to even start for a treatment program. They look at me in surprise and apologize that there is nothing they can do. I’ve been researching and GOOGLING for over six years and have  found only a few doctors who specifically treated Dystonia of the mouth and.or upper cervical area. A girl freind  messaged me a few weeks ago telling me she also was researching my condition and found a  Dr LEE, who has a private practice   in South Korea. Many of his  Dystonia and TMJ patients were getting successful results with his treatments!  I also found a doctor  in  DE who treated TMJ. Unfortunately, they are very few and far in between in NJ and to travel to other states like the doctor in Teaas would be very costly and inconvenient for my husband to take off work. I continue to ask and pray whether father wants me to wait for His divine supernatural creative miracle for my jaw or travel to a  TMJ physician. Father be merciful to us who are suffering.

Dr Lee’s practice and You-Tube link.

July 4th was spent praying for a breakthrough rest with my jaw and neck spasms. The day was already almost half over and I needed to express my love for my Heavenly Father. it was so frustrating, picking up my Taylor and just jerking so wildly, I had to lay down. Uselessness and despair threatened to ruin my day, but finally picked up my guitar anyway and started to sing my favorite energetic hymns, like Onward Christian Soldiers.  Anyway, I am more than a conqueror!

Fast forward today, brought my Bible, a Max Lucado devotional and Jewel’s book, Chasing The Dawn into the bedroom. I prayed that something would awaken my heart and I’d be able to move forward into my day. My eyes fell upon the subtitle of Jewel’s book, Melbourne, Australia. I’ve always dreamed of Australia even as a young girl. Down Under seemed a glorious utopia far away from the chaos and heartache of my present circumstance of my parents plan to divorce. I often dreamed in my bed at night that I would somehow end up there and live a peaceful and creative life!

So Jewel expressed the sensations of her entering the stage to perform her repertoire to her Australian fans. Her writing was so elegant and enticing, making me miss my own performing and composing tenure. I felt a profound sense of loss that I was so far and disconnected to that glorious season of my life. Words cannot describe a performance were the performer “feels” her audience and they feel her. It is an indescribable connection that infuses the artists expression of singing-performing (and doctors have no idea the profound effects that a neurological disorder as Dystonia-TMJ can have on the creativity of a talented singer-composer. This has been a major grief, few realize  the extent of loss when a performing artist is unable to perform (and compose)  at the high level she was used to. I feel less than human and disconnected that this condition has so disrupted the  beautiful overflow of expressing my music-soul.

When I perform before an audience, it’s like I gently fall off a trapeze like a leaf  I lose all sense of the present, of time and the faces that gaze at me.  Father placed me in a I  a divine bubble and I’m floating in His love. Everything around me fades into nothingness and all I’m aware of is the holiness  (and lightness0 of His presence. This has happened several times. Twice, when I sang at dying persons’ deathbed and at a funeral service, where a seer told my husband she saw cherubim dancing joyously around me as I sang my Psalm 91 original. Another recent time, was just last month while singing two of my favorite Hymns His Eye is on the Sparrow and It Is Well at a church concert. . Despite the fact I was miserable and my neck was inflamed with pain and my mouth was  moving violently, I grabbed Father’s hand and took His strength. No one could have been more surprised than me, when everyone stood up and joined me on the heart-rending chorus, It is Well With My Soul. I knew it was God and God alone who carried me through the song.

10-17-2012-205THE VOICE of an ANGEL

A girl, her voice and Guitar, Proclaiming the Love of Christ!

This dark season I’m immersed in is complicated, daunting and bizarre with its untold repercussions. I can’t bare to be seen in public because of the embarrassing facial grimaces and my arms and upper shoulder jerking. Even standing in line at the post office for fifteen minutes is main achievement. With these negative symptoms molding me into something no one would want to be, I’ve learned to make some adjustments. I’ve long discarded the activity of complaining and have made a lovely habit of making someone’s day a little better. If I’m at the grocery store I find something attractive about the person near me and compliment them. I so delights me to see them smile and to make their day by a compliment. The practice of being a blessing to someone is a high point of my day. I refuse to give the enemy any ground or make him think that his attacks on me will sully God’s wonderful destiny for me. I want to please my Father by serving and being a blessing no matter how hard it is! I feel sad for mean people because I know that they’ve not practiced and seen the results of kindness in spite of their physical misery, stressful relationship or mundane life. Persistent acts of kindness and serving cheerfully is evidence of a God-infused lifestyle.
All this being said, I’m reminded of President Abraham Lincoln, One of the greatest presidents who ever lived, who endured and succeeded despite countless failures and  disappointments, shut doors and heart-aches. Amazingly, he grabbed the bull by the horn  in all his tenacity and audacity…his faith in God almighty.  He prevailed, head held high even during one of America’s most horrific times, the Civil War. Though I’m not faced with anarchy, riots and the threat of assassination, I still am facing a mountain which shall be moved by my obstinate faith in the God who restores and rewards all things.

http://www.school-for-champions.com/history/lincoln_failures.htm#.V3v21hJ4K1s

Weathering Dystonia,  (as president Lincoln faced his own giants) I know that God must have a very important job for me to do in the future and He is preparing and training me for such a time as this. Thankfully, July 5, 20016, we are still in peace here in America and life is somewhat normal. I recently watched a Christian outreach organization,  Ezra International outreach who focused their relief efforts on the refugees from cities near Ukraine. Soldiers had all but demolishes the businesses, neighborhoods and banks by bombs and machine gun fire. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I gazed at the footage of such devastation. Thousands were killed, there were bodies in the streets and many holocaust survivors were starving and left on their own. America could soon be enduring the same fate and I prayed that God would be merciful to the sick, elderly and young ones. Any of us American citizens could suddenly face the terrible war atrocities as our brethren in war-torn Ukraine and any other middle eastern city!

So… it would behoove me…and everyone to thank God that our country is still somewhat intact and not facing the atrocities and hardships of war and judgment.  Maybe for a short time, we are still the land of the free and though my own personal suffering is challenging, t’s nowhere near the suffering of people who’ve had their homes destroyed by bombs and have no where to go to get their next meal.

Dystonia reminds me of the need to be more compassionate, empathetic and giving of my resources to those who have less. Though I’d never wish anyone to endure a condition that robs and diminishes so much of our lives, the blessing in disguise is the  awareness and empathy of others sufferings and the motivation to do something about it!

Perhaps that is the gift Father looks to glean when we face a loss or bodily suffering. May father use you and I greatly to strengthen someone who has a deformity, impediment of disability

SILENCING the SONGBIRD


angel in  copper silk gown1“Lord, help me get through this. Help me, please” I kept saying as my jaw and mouth started to throb and convulse. I boldly accepted my pastor’s invitation to perform at the Jackson Baptist glory Celebration, a musical worship concert of local worship leaders and teams. A week ago, I emailed Pastor Sandra that I’d be performing His Eye is on the Sparrow and It is Well, two of my favorites that I sang to the residents of my area nursing home and the local physical rehabilitation centers. Those two songs were staples because they were a reminder of God’s promise to me that He was with me even in the valley. I had to play these two songs on my guitar almost everyday, just to remind myself that indeed, despite the incessant, tormenting pulling in my neck, the jerking of my arms and the rapid opening and closing of my mouth, one day, I would be released. It took every ounce of focus to do anything of substance. During this TMJ-Dystonia tenure, I’d programmed myself to call upon the Lord to strengthen me.. Steadfast confidence and reliance on Him was always the reward. That was who Father was,…always gracious in answering my prayer to give my best to my performances.

As more people entered the church, I could feel the excitement, which propelled me even more to be in close communion with Father. My husband Mark, saw I was in distress and massaged my neck. A girlfriend showed up, excited and encouraging and also gave me a neck massage.
People were filling into the well-lit church while the musicians and singers waited on the platform for the sound engineer to tweak their sound. My turn came and I adjusted the microphone. An older guitarist gentleman told me I could plug my guitar to his box which was a blessing so I didn’t have to set up all my effects pedals. Then I took a back seat near the edge of the church so people wouldn’t see my mouth contort. I hunched over in my seat, trying to take deep breaths to control the violent pulling and spasming in my neck. I felt an anxiety rise up, which always happened when the muscles got inflamed from the continua movement of my jaw. I continued to pray and stay alert .It was getting harder and harder to stay comfortable and I had to fight the impulse to run to the car and lay on my back for relief.

Finally, the concert started with a vivacious acapella trio. I was third in line. Then my Pastor approached the stage and introduced herself and me. I scurried up to the platform, nonchalant about my nondescript and unglamourous appearance. I’d long ago discarded my adherence to looking beautiful and well-coifed because it took so much energy to get through each hour. It had come to the point where it took an enormous amount of focus to do basic chores, my exercise routine, my daily voice scales and guitar practice. My only concern now, was to focus  on my performance-ministering in God’s anointing. To people enduring catastrophic illness, outward, perfect beauty is the last concern. Our symptoms wear us out to the point that we can’t be concerned that our make-up is perfect. Anyway, my lipstick and mascara always smeared or wore off halfway into any activity. My face always ended up leaning on my hands as I tried to position my head and neck in a comfortable way. Such is dealing with an upper cervical-spinal issue. I felt peaceful as I faced the audience.
“I’m so blessed and thankful to be here tonight despite having a very difficult almost nine years struggling with Dystina-TMJ, a neurological disorder similar to Parkinson. I’m so glad to be here to encourage any of you who are stiffening with any kind of illness. No matter who you are, God cares about what you are going through. Indeed, His eye is on the sparrow and as He is attentive to a tiny sparrow falling to the ground, so much more so are you precious in His sight”

The strains of my guitar and voice filled the church and I felt at ease, hardly aware of any muscles neck spasms. It was amazing how relaxed I now felt,compared to the preceding hour of anguish in my neck. I knew it was all Him! At the end of His Eye Is on the Sparrow, I paused for a second.  My eyes swept across the people’s faces as they sat spell bound watching me and listening to my every word. My face softened and I said, “It is well. It is Well.”
I then felt a surge of strength and stated, “You know, no weapon formed against you shall proper and Satan is under your feet. Get a hold of that and decide to walk powerfully in God’s strength. The devil is under your feet!”

JACKSON BAPTIST Church concert June  5, 2016

The audience grabbed a hold of that one and I preceded to sing It is well. I was joyful to hear one of the drummers accompanying me and my performance came alive with God’s hope and victory for everyone who’d choose to believe that all is well because of Christ’s victory on the cross!

By the third verse, everyone was standing and joined in through the end of the song! The chorus…It is well, with my soul reverberated with the layered harmonies of many voices. It was a transcendent moment for me! Father God punctuated His daughter’s glorifying music performance with His healing presence.

As I left the stage with the applause still lingering, the wicked spasms came back with a vengeance and I told Mark and my friend I had to lay down. I rushed to our HHR car and rested, immediately feeling less pressure in my neck. After about a half an hour, I decided to go back in, in case there was anyone who wanted to talk with me or have prayer. I was immediately approaches by several people One tall lady in particular, grabbed my hand.

“Hello sister and what can I pray with you for?”I asked.

“I was so blessed…so blessed by your songs. ” She gushed with tear-filled eyes. ” I have Lupus and have been very depressed for a long time.” She went on to share a little of her story and then a pastor joined me as I prepared to pray over the sister. Quite a few more people approached me to hug me and shake my hand and then I felt weak with the excitement and challenge of the night. I retreated back to the car to rest.

As I meditate and chronicle this pivotal evening of my life, I ponder the mystery of my battle-journey.  This TMJ-Dystonia condition has affected me in so many ways, some bad, but mostly good. Anyone diagnosed with a chronic illness will first ask, “Why me, God?” Then they will become angry at the injustice of it all and then resign themselves, either to resentment-bitterness or they decide that they will fight back and make the best of it! I have chosen to be the victorer and make the best of this daunting trial and trust that father will get all the glory from it!l

My encouragement to anyone enduring a daily or terminal illness is to weight your thoughts, dreams, standards and hopes by God’s word and His living presence. The Bible doesn’t answer all the the Jobian mysteries of a catastrophic health condition. For me it’s been groping my way through a dark maze and then leaving the “out” door onto a terrain riddled with land mines. Failure and death lurks beside every mine and one wrong step could propel you into the cemetery of resignation. I’ve often asked myself why I forge forward in my research, knowledge of Biblical healing and preventative medicine, (natural healing) when I’m daily almost overwhelmed with these devastating muscle-neurological and bio-chemical abnormalities.

I’ve learned from Dr Caroline Leaf (brain scientist) about the utter complexity of how the brain and the nuero-transmitters react to stress and trauma. From her research I’ve gleaned amazing insight on the importance of learning, meditating and relying on God’s divine and superior knowledge. After all, He did create and fashion our bodies in the most unfathomable ways ways!

Coming from a background of extreme abuse (bullying and domestic violence) and suffering much rejection because of generational sins, and then being redeemed  and transformed by Christ’s Yashuha’s love and freedom, reminds me  of my vow to the evil powers that be, that I will never again live in bondage. Though these devastating symptoms threaten me each day to hold me captive, I’ve relied on God’s Holy Spirit to empower me with His all-abiding strength, resilience and the possibility of total healing-restoration! Who else can promise that? Neither doctors, nor the toxic drugs they push can promise the prefect healing of our physician, Christ the messiah whose very stripes enabled us to walk in restoration!

close up anita OG

I, for one, need nothing else, but Him. The irony of my health journey has been that my enemy has tried to silence me by afflicting the very tools of my ministry. A worship leader-psalmist-speaker’s mouth and voice are the instruments with which she/he expounds God’s healing words, promises and anointed presence. Only in God’s presence is healing, so my enemy has chosen to viciously attack me, ( in my neck, vocal chords, throat and jaw) so that he can shut me down and shut off God’s healing works through me!

Ten years ago, somewhat vivacious and passionately aspired to get signed and go on tour, I never would have imagined to join the ranks of the “disabled” population.  Any pride or self-reliance I had is now completely extinguished and I’ve been brought to the place of humble submission…total reliance on Him alone!. This is Father’s refining process for me. I’m on his potters’ wheel and He is shaping me to what he wishes me to be. (Now, I can’t say that I’m always still and yielding) but mostly, I trust that He knows what He is doing.

He is using a chosen instrument, not of my parents ilk. None of my parents were musicians, nether were any composers or played instruments! It has been a testimony for God to teach me how to play guitar and compose the beautiful Psalms he has given me. It will be seven years since beginning the recording of my album MOD PROPHET and then my worship CD,  The Anointing, His Presence. They are nearing completion, getting more polished and glorious with each song. I will not stop and neither shall my enemy stop my mouth from praising Him and teaching the world of His great promises and Love.

The songbird will sing!

 

By His Stripes… You are Healed


My Dystonia Journey

Note: If you are suffering from Dystonia, Parkinson, MS, Lupus, Fibromyalgia or any of the host of neurological disorders, please have an open heart, research. Please don’t allow drugs to diminish the quality fo your life. Pain is a killer, yes, but Christ is Life. I have no words to convince you to seek passionately and incessantly for the root issue your illness.  If anything…after eight long, tormenting years of suffering agonizing pain and humiliation, God is our only answer and cure! BTW, still can’t find a cure? Look into spiritual Christian deliverance. According to pastor Henry Wright strongholds and generational issues could be the root of you not receiving your healing. This is all so complicated, but at Pastor Wrights Healing    seminars we learned that small insidious sins such as unforgiveness, bitterness, resentments and even innocent emotions such as deep grieving can block us from healing. Deliverance sessions with a empathetic and  Holy-Spirit-filled counselor can release your ability to receive Jesus healing! check out Henry Wright on Sid Roth. His book,  A More Excellent Way, Be In Health, is a life changer.God bless you on your healing journey. Please pass this blog on to any of your loved ones or family members who are sick. This blog may change your life forever

Journal Entry, April 3, 2016 4:50 pm

So, It’s just a little past spring and I’m delighting in the glorious  blooming of my favorite “snow-busters” crocuses. I really had expected that I would be outside brisk-walking and getting back my size four shape. The violent muscle-pulling of my neck  kept me house bound and stuck sitting most of the winter day,  fashioning my beaded chokers. Stringing the beads were just about the only therapy which kept the violent mouth-jaw-tongue and neck spasms from sending me to a nervous breakdown. Of course, my reliance has been and continues to be on my heavenly Father giving me strength and declaring my healing scriptures otherwise, I would be toast!

Mark and I continue to research and scour the internet for any treatment or new breakthroughs in Dystonia, neurological disorders or tremors. We’re researching the treatment protocol to address the mold contamination situation which started in our old home. A Christian sister prayed with me one day last year and insisted I check into the possibility that it was contributing to the Dystonia symptoms and mild seizures. She said the myco-toxins were dangerous and I shouldn’t wait to let myself get sicker.   I trusted her spiritual wisdom and insight, but Mark wasn’t sure that could be the issue, and besides  the tests to find out about mold are very hard to come by. Any doctors who did treat mold were in very exclusive areas and charged at least a grand just to get in the door. After finding out about the cost, Mark got disgusted and gave up…and I continued to get worse!

Even thought, just getting through each hour was arduous and exhausting, my empathy and compassion for those enduring devastating, chronic and unexplained sickness grew. I ‘m more passionate than ever to help others find healing and wholeness.

So many things encapsulate a movement disorder condition.  Besides, the loneliness, isolation and people unable to care and/or empathize with  the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual ramifications of Dystonia, FibroMyalgia, Parkinson’s Lupus or MS, there is the frustration and hopelessness of never  leaving the bodily prison. Worse yet, are the consequences of being addicted to pain-killers and other anti-confirmatory drugs.

I hope the following conversation I had with a freind educates other sufferers of immune and/or nerve disorders. The name is changed  for privacy

Damaris:

I just hate to see u in pain. Aside from lethargy and sluggishness, which I know all too well from my meds, do the meds help w tremors
Do u have trouble eating or swallowing. Is that how u keep your youthful, zero fat shape.
Me:

BTW, just to add, I’m waiting to get my book ready for publication. Editing takes great segacity. Excelling at my craft for the Lord far exceeds the issue of NOT being in pain. Choosing to stay alert, (Mark has great immune system challenges also) & I have to be on top of everything regrading knowledge of immune-enhancing supplements, herbs and especially keeping up with label reading,, a new priority since this evil government seeks to weaken the population thru vaccinations , GMO and our produce being tainted. Not to even elaborate on the toxicity of Splenda, Sucralose, MSG and high fructose corn syrup now being added to most foods and beverages. HFC makes makes people even fatter..Daily exercise is also a priority for me. I need to keep fit because Mark’s back has severe herniated disks and he couldn’t do any taxing physical work like chopping the wood or a lot of snow shoveling. I’m adamant about fitness and there’s the necessity of being so in case of any impenitent  EMP situation. God help those who are overweight  or physically debilitated in anyway!  You know, I would have had cancer also if  it not were for my Biblical declaration of Healing scriptures and researching everything I can about keeping my body cancer-free.
Regarding drugs for tremors, Sinemet and other muscle relaxers do little to get to the root of the  spasms. And besides, I don’t have a Parkinson or tremor problem. I have a nerve spasm issue from pinched nerves from the TMJ ligament and trying to detoxify my body from a past severe Carbon monoxide poisoning which did a number on my body.
Damaris: Any Dr mention wiring jaw wiring for what?
Damaris,  miracles abound for people getting astounding healing from Jesus, our Divine healer. Doctors know almost nothing about the body & how God created it to heal itself! I watch the 700 club, Copelend, Andrew Wommack ministries and many evangelical outreaches, German evangelist Rinehard Bonnke have prayed for miracles all over the world, especially in third-world nations. I’ve heard of testimonies on the Sid Roth Program of people whose limbs restored. Others had eyes restored where their eye sockets were empty. God created new eyes! Others gave testimonies of God giving them brand new organs like lungs, a new heart and  kidneys.
So, Mark and I don’t put too much trust in most mortal doctors who  are revered almost as gods. Mark insists they practice medicine.  Most of them could care less to passionately research new holistic and natural healing modalities. They’d not get their extra thousands from the kickback drug companies give them! Most of them are charlatans who rob poor working-class people and their greed compels them to aspire to  another Lamborghini. Remember, the drug industry is a billion dollar industry.
The Bible frowns on drugs and the overuse and dependence on them is overrated.  Drug are not conducive in any way to healing and wholeness of the body or mind and God’s people should not be so gullible and foolish to fall under the temptation to depend on them. (In rare cases, God may allow them  to stabilize a severe health issue, like blood pressure or high  blood sugar),  but we should all approach drugs with great caution and  education about side effects. they may be used We should seek the counsel and wisdom of Holy Spirit for everything and most particularly, our health and well-being.
.
In Galatian 5:20,
pharmakeia: the use of medicine, drugs or spells

Original Word: φαρμακεία, ας, ἡ
Part of Speech: Noun, Feminine
Transliteration: pharmakeia
Phonetic Spelling: (far-mak-i’-ah)
Short Definition: magic, sorcery, enchantment
Definition: magic, sorcery, enchantment.

Most of the time the drugs have more side effects than the condition itself. Sadly, many people don’t care to do their research for natural cures, (or prevention in the first place). Why aren’t physicians teaching patients how to prevent sickness? 
God’s people should ask the question and ponder the manner in which our precious healer, Jesus Yashuah suffered and bore the lashes on his back and body so we could walk in divine healing! His bruising was beyond our comprehension and manuscripts have yet to describe to true  totality of his battered body for our healing and benefit God’s children are already healed and we have the authority to be healed in His name This is another reason I walk with and serve my Lord, so what doctors offer is of little worth or help. Mark and I will have to continue to seek a Holy Spirit-filled doctor who is in touch with Christ and has the right diagnostic equipment to pinpoint  the root cause of this Dystonia.
I’m thankful for my Facebook sister with the gift of discernment who originally pointed me in a good direction. Mold poisoning , (Myco-Toxins)  often mimic neurological disorders, so besides sharing my other blogs about possible causes, I pray this one will help also.

A DAY in the LIFE of DYSTONIA, (Eight Years)


Eight years and counting…but trusting and believing that I am HEALED by Jesus stripes. I refuse to disbelieve that Christ also endured  the beating for Dystonia, Lupus, ALS  and PSP. These are all satanic attacks and I continue to declare my healing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCo82bv5lRM

Dear Jim, my dear precious man, My heart goes OUT to you also. I’m a lovely gal whose life has been severely humbled and humiliated also. My struggle with mouth, tongue and throat Dystonia has been a living hell every waking moment. Others couldn’t imagine the heartbreak and anguish having to deal with CERVICAL issues which affect almost every area of our body’s and even the organs and brain neurotransmitter activity. Doctors DO NOT care about doing deeper studies on Dystonia because thy get their kickbacks from the DRUG companies. I for one CANNOT take drugs because my calling as an artist, worship leader, composer and journalist depends on my mind being high mental acuity. So my choice is suffering from great pain from a misaligned JAW joint (TMJ) to bitten my tongue til it bleeds and my lower face and mouth making the ugliest grimaces. For a woman, this is demeaning…so I’m housebound almost all of the week. the only time I get out is when I drive myself to my Chriro for my adjustment which does nothing to stop the facial movements. Driving is grueling because my nervous system reacts violently to the engine power, so my mouth goes Berserk!

This next video is about Sara’s battle with Dystonia (TMJ disorder) She’s another hero of mine and her symptoms are very similiar of what my body has suffered. Following is a list of her symptoms.  I highly recommend anyone enduring Dystonia to get a good MRI of your jaw area to see if your misaligned tooth bite is the problem. I tore my jaw ligament while singing a high E note while singing. I heard  something that sounded like a crack or tear and a week later, my problem started. Unfortunately, doctors and neurologists focused on the brain area and spine, but did NOT focus on the  jaw area:) Also consider any head trauma or car accidents . I pray my blog will open up some more areas for you to find relief for your Dystonia.

The following are Sara’s symptom

Secondary/Acquired Paroxysmal Dystonia moving to Generalised Dystonia, Dystonic Storms, Tremor, Teeth clenching, Migraines
Jaw pain, Temple pain left side, Neck Pain, Back Pain, Shoulder Pain, Low back pain, Headaches, Faint/Lightheaded, Concentration issues, Occasional stutter/slurring, Vertigo, Memory impairment, Hearing impairment right side, Balance problems, Chronic Fatigue
Visual disturbances, Light sensitivity, Sound sensitivity, Smell sensitivity and lack of smell, Ear ache intermittent, Dulling of hearing, Tinnitus (occasionally), Loss of taste (I was just adding lots of salt and didn’t realise!), Toothache, Breathing difficulties, Sinus issues, Snoring
Difficult to wake up/drowsiness, Weak muscles – especially arms/legs/ unable to easily hold phone or brush hair, Sharp and Chronic hand/finger pain, Fine motor control issues -writing/eating/DIY, Slowed movement/ability to move, Biting back/sides of tongue all the time, Sensitive teeth (sometimes), Raynaud’s Syndrome (cold feet and hands), Knee pain, Hip pain, Upper arm and upper thigh (lymph) pain

 

I give all glory and thanks to the Lord for ANY creative endeavor I attempt to finish, (my recording of my albums and my 5-part series book! the incessant & violent pulling on my neck and thraot muscles DRAINS any motivation out of me, so I’m constantly crying out to Father for strength. I pray that all my beloved ones, thank God everyday for being able to enjoy your relationship with your precious heavenly Father, Jesus & Holy Spirit. You have NO idea how much easier it is to life life hen you’re not in agony every waking moment. Thank Him everyday for your health and mobility. Many are disabled by DYSTONIA or suicidal. I give ALL thanks to my wonderful Father for helping me endure this daily cross.  all and Please be patient and compassionate to those who have disability. It’s twice as hard to KEEP your marbles together! blessings to you all!

 

Here is another young lady suffering from a TMJ disorder.

Liberal Wisdom and Revelation


book open pages

Liberal Wisdom and Revelation
Journal Entry Saturday January 3, 2015

It is Saturday January third 2015…a new year. In March, it will be eight years dealing with the violent Dystonia spasms of my neck and throat. Mark and I have been back from out Missouri trip: attending Pastor Mel Bond’s miracle healing service. I had positive expectations of God’s creative manifestation. Having already read his powerful book on spiritual warfare and watching his You Tube healing videos, I knew him to be a soft-spoken and gracious man, not using hype to expound God’s greatness in healing. Besides the anticipation of meeting Pastor Mel in person, countless thoughts swirled in my mind. The usual, how could I be serving Father for so long and still be in miserable physical  torment despite continually declaring His healing words and taking authority over any negative thought, event or symptom. It was very frustrating to desire more of Holy Spirit and yet still suffering intensely.

Thus my continuing quest to understand the connection between my head knowledge and Father’s divine pathway to healing.

I meditate once again upon the much-read, but never fully revealed first chapter of Ephesians. Each time I reread it, I feel energized and my spirit illuminated. How can one not read the extravagant words without stopping to meditate upon God’s fatherly resplendent love and provision. He has given us every heavenly and earthly blessing to enjoy! What a book brimming with and explaining the nuances of our appointed divine treasures that father God has ordained to us since the beginning of time! I must admit that I have read the book of Ephesians hundreds of times since 1982, (the year of my salvation re-birth) and wonder why, at this late age, it strikes me in such a powerful way, so much so that I want to compose a tract and share it with the world!

Eph. 1: 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoptions as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself according to the good pleasure of His will.

Just this opening statement in itself brims over with divine  abundance! Chapter seven continues elaborating on Father’s glorious  extravagance. blessings

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins according to the riches of his grace which he made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself.

The first chapters of Ephesians is the introduction to the entry and adoption into the family of God! What a wonderful destiny to embrace and yet so many of God’s people are suffering in body and/or enduring poverty and need.

God’s people are now living in the great expanse of knowledge, written in Daniel 12:4)  In these present end times the church is also receiving the full brunt of satan’s rage. I ponder the irony of Paul’s declaring of the glorious destiny that every child of God receives once he follows Jesus Christ. God’s people are indeed perishing from lack of knowledge (there are many ways to perish). How can we awake and walk in that glorious destiny unless we are taught the word of God. Handling the word of God. 2 tim 2:15

Live call in Prayer hosted by Pastor Janet Ellsworth.

Each night at 12:30 am, I tune into CTN Christian network program You and Me, hosted by pastor Janet Ellsworth. This amazing woman of God always has an apt word for God’s children and she is always authoritative, yet enthusiastic and compassionate. As the night goes on and many callers share their burdens, I am astounded at how man are tormented with grievous bodily afflictions. Many call for a financial blessing and still many others ask for deliverance and demons to stop harassing them. It looks to me that the majority of God’s people have not received the pre-ordained blessings as cited in Ephesians and that their pastors, bishops, priests and rabbi’s have not taught them the very basics of the Christ life! Truly, it grieves my heart that so many brothers and sisters are greatly suffering. There are requests for healing and restoration of bodies as many are bedridden, house-bound and hospitalized. Surely, satan is  busy deploying his demons to hinder the gospel from going out into the streets by keeping God’s people in bondage. Something is seriously wrong!

We read in the Gospels’ how Jesus traveled from town to town and was deeply grieved at the wandering, suffering throngs that followed him for healing. During those times, people had little defense against demonic attack or possession. We see so many examples of people being enslaved by spirits of infirmity. We read that Jesus groaned in His spirit at the masses of the precious people scattered as lost sheep without a shepherd. He became known and glorified as the gentle healer.

Pastor Janet’s You and Me call in program is greatly needed. She begins the program with scripture and ends by ministering in compassionate prayer. People need to be taught the very basics of living in Christ,  (particularly, spiritual warfare) and to know how to defend themselves against satanic attack and oppression!  Many have no idea how demons got into their homes, attached themselves to their rebellious children or even how a voo-doo curse was placed by a angry, jealous neighbor or co-worker! This is reality. This is what God’s people are enduring. Sadly, many pastors have no idea how to cast out a demon or counsel and release an enslaved brother or sister out of bondage from a generational curse. This is incomprehensible. We must move away from the tepid Methodist and lukewarm, religious circles, because we are at war with a vicious and relentless enemy!

We read in the gospels about Jesus astounding (Exousia) authority! He promised that after He rose from the dead we would also be walking in both Dunimus) and w. Are pastors teaching the flock how to wield heavenly armament? How many Christians even know what dunimus and exousia are in the first place? I just recently heard a powerful teaching by John Paul Jackson. he elaborated on the power and authority we have in Christ. Yet, I see God’s people doing worse than non-believers! Again, I say something is wrong. We may have a testing period where we are struggling financially, but poverty and need should not be a permanent lifestyle, otherwise we’d be unable  to provide for the needs of the orphans, widows and the poor in our circle?

For the new year, pastors , church leaders and elders need to start getting with the program. It is time for the church to walk and abide in the great callings Paul taught in the book of Ephesians. He asks that we obtain the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of God and that our eyes be enlightened about the hope of His calling! Wow, that sounds like divine living. In that kind of living, there is joy unspeakable and full of glory. We are able to endure difficult times and circumstances in full hope that Jesus is always with us, even in the storm! Are God’s people so full of joy that the world sees it and rejoices? Does our joyful countenance make people compelled to taste and see that the Lord is good and invite them to be their Lord and Savior?.

But the church is too busy going on a witch hunt and scrutinizing small matters of personal conviction rather than teaching the glorious and edifying ways of Christ.

We can no longer abide in a place of lack or ignorance regarding achieving the full array of the glorious promises Father wants us to have. He wishes us to be prosperous and in good health. Yes, there will be times of testing when we may have to endure sickness for a while for His glory, in expectation of healing and restoration. There will be times when Father will allow a satanic attack to buffet us (as in Paul’s case when he asked God three times to take away the thorn in his flesh) , but use it as spiritual muscle-building test so Father is glorified.

The church is directed to build up each other in faith, in gifts and in callings. Love and edifying are the chief goals, but next in line is successful spiritual warfare and knowing our adversary the devil is about seeking to destroy. . Love and wisdom must walk hand in hand.

This January begins a fresh year where I’ll enter the next phase of God’s divine destiny, power, wisdom and prosperity. We must not think prosperity is limited to financial wealth, but wholeness in every area). Father invites us to ask Him for wisdom and we must not stop at where we are, but ask Him to continue imbue us with dunamis (dynamite) wisdom and exousia (authoritative) wisdom!

God bless you!

BEAUTIFUL hand-beaded, one-of-a-kind Chokers


fall,2014 136

About Artist,Anita Ivette Ferrer

Anita Ivette Ferrer thought her unexpected health affliction would be short-lived. She didn’t expect to be still struggling over seven years later from Dystonia, a mysterious movement disorder which doctors say has no known cause nor cure. Anita is used to engaging challenging circumstances, but her latest has brought her to the forefront of uncharted territory Faith in Jesus Christ in hand coupled with an iron will propels her to new heights of spiritual self-discovery, supernatural trust in God and ultra creativity.

fall,2014 139

When she wakes up each morning, she inwardly dreads another day coping with the pain and fatigue which could restrict her ability to live a normal life. But as she gets up from her bed, she relies upon Christ to empower her with strength and hope for the day! Her prayers are always answered as she tackles her house chores, outreach to the bedridden, elderly and dying and her creative endeavors.

fall,2014 128 my collection of Beautiful chokers
Quite by accident, Anita found a temporary respite from her violent facial twitching while repairing some old broken beaded chokers. She found that focusing upon the fine beadwork caused the muscles to cease pulling! The next thing she knew, she was spending more and more time at the craft stores purchasing unique, beautiful beads for her new passion!

Anita, 1989 Magna Cum Laude Brookdale Community College graduate whose major studies were in the humanities and social services, never imagined that a condition like Dystonia would lead her back to her childhood talent, designing!

fall,2014 139Anita believes with all her heart that her healing could be just a heart beat away. Though each day continues to be a struggle, God inspires her to keep the momentum going! She has learned through overcoming battle with chronic Lyme Disease, poverty, child abuse and domestic violence that in order to grow, one must re-invent themselves! Though she’s had to greatly curtail her performing and song-writing due to the spasms, her beaded jewelry design has taken her to new levels of exciting creativity and an opportunity to share her craft with the world. She also hopes to educate the public about Dystonia and movement disorders which are increasing. As yet the only treatments for Dystonia are Botox injections and DPS Deep Brain stimulation which Anita feels would not help her symptoms.

Anita resides with her husband and their cats in Browns Mills, NJ. She is also available to minister in music at your church or special event.

close up anita OG

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Purchase of Anita’s creations helps her to continue ministering to the elderly, disable and hospice patient. You can find out more about Anita via her http://www.anitaivetteferrer.wordpress.com blogsite

Anita Ivette Ferrer
Anita Ivette Ferrer One of a Kind Designs
Brave Flame Productions & Outreach
Po Box 102, Bradley Beach, NJ 07720
609-893-2397

Prices range from $25 to $70

Christmas special two for one price `

Proceeds to Dystonia research and Brave Flame Productions & Outreach

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