Liberal Wisdom and Revelation


book open pages

Liberal Wisdom and Revelation
Journal Entry Saturday January 3, 2015

It is Saturday January third 2015…a new year. In March, it will be eight years dealing with the violent Dystonia spasms of my neck and throat. Mark and I have been back from out Missouri trip: attending Pastor Mel Bond’s miracle healing service. I had positive expectations of God’s creative manifestation. Having already read his powerful book on spiritual warfare and watching his You Tube healing videos, I knew him to be a soft-spoken and gracious man, not using hype to expound God’s greatness in healing. Besides the anticipation of meeting Pastor Mel in person, countless thoughts swirled in my mind. The usual, how could I be serving Father for so long and still be in miserable physical  torment despite continually declaring His healing words and taking authority over any negative thought, event or symptom. It was very frustrating to desire more of Holy Spirit and yet still suffering intensely.

Thus my continuing quest to understand the connection between my head knowledge and Father’s divine pathway to healing.

I meditate once again upon the much-read, but never fully revealed first chapter of Ephesians. Each time I reread it, I feel energized and my spirit illuminated. How can one not read the extravagant words without stopping to meditate upon God’s fatherly resplendent love and provision. He has given us every heavenly and earthly blessing to enjoy! What a book brimming with and explaining the nuances of our appointed divine treasures that father God has ordained to us since the beginning of time! I must admit that I have read the book of Ephesians hundreds of times since 1982, (the year of my salvation re-birth) and wonder why, at this late age, it strikes me in such a powerful way, so much so that I want to compose a tract and share it with the world!

Eph. 1: 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoptions as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself according to the good pleasure of His will.

Just this opening statement in itself brims over with divine  abundance! Chapter seven continues elaborating on Father’s glorious  extravagance. blessings

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins according to the riches of his grace which he made to abound toward us in all wisdom and prudence, having made known to us the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure which He purposed in Himself.

The first chapters of Ephesians is the introduction to the entry and adoption into the family of God! What a wonderful destiny to embrace and yet so many of God’s people are suffering in body and/or enduring poverty and need.

God’s people are now living in the great expanse of knowledge, written in Daniel 12:4)  In these present end times the church is also receiving the full brunt of satan’s rage. I ponder the irony of Paul’s declaring of the glorious destiny that every child of God receives once he follows Jesus Christ. God’s people are indeed perishing from lack of knowledge (there are many ways to perish). How can we awake and walk in that glorious destiny unless we are taught the word of God. Handling the word of God. 2 tim 2:15

Live call in Prayer hosted by Pastor Janet Ellsworth.

Each night at 12:30 am, I tune into CTN Christian network program You and Me, hosted by pastor Janet Ellsworth. This amazing woman of God always has an apt word for God’s children and she is always authoritative, yet enthusiastic and compassionate. As the night goes on and many callers share their burdens, I am astounded at how man are tormented with grievous bodily afflictions. Many call for a financial blessing and still many others ask for deliverance and demons to stop harassing them. It looks to me that the majority of God’s people have not received the pre-ordained blessings as cited in Ephesians and that their pastors, bishops, priests and rabbi’s have not taught them the very basics of the Christ life! Truly, it grieves my heart that so many brothers and sisters are greatly suffering. There are requests for healing and restoration of bodies as many are bedridden, house-bound and hospitalized. Surely, satan is  busy deploying his demons to hinder the gospel from going out into the streets by keeping God’s people in bondage. Something is seriously wrong!

We read in the Gospels’ how Jesus traveled from town to town and was deeply grieved at the wandering, suffering throngs that followed him for healing. During those times, people had little defense against demonic attack or possession. We see so many examples of people being enslaved by spirits of infirmity. We read that Jesus groaned in His spirit at the masses of the precious people scattered as lost sheep without a shepherd. He became known and glorified as the gentle healer.

Pastor Janet’s You and Me call in program is greatly needed. She begins the program with scripture and ends by ministering in compassionate prayer. People need to be taught the very basics of living in Christ,  (particularly, spiritual warfare) and to know how to defend themselves against satanic attack and oppression!  Many have no idea how demons got into their homes, attached themselves to their rebellious children or even how a voo-doo curse was placed by a angry, jealous neighbor or co-worker! This is reality. This is what God’s people are enduring. Sadly, many pastors have no idea how to cast out a demon or counsel and release an enslaved brother or sister out of bondage from a generational curse. This is incomprehensible. We must move away from the tepid Methodist and lukewarm, religious circles, because we are at war with a vicious and relentless enemy!

We read in the gospels about Jesus astounding (Exousia) authority! He promised that after He rose from the dead we would also be walking in both Dunimus) and w. Are pastors teaching the flock how to wield heavenly armament? How many Christians even know what dunimus and exousia are in the first place? I just recently heard a powerful teaching by John Paul Jackson. he elaborated on the power and authority we have in Christ. Yet, I see God’s people doing worse than non-believers! Again, I say something is wrong. We may have a testing period where we are struggling financially, but poverty and need should not be a permanent lifestyle, otherwise we’d be unable  to provide for the needs of the orphans, widows and the poor in our circle?

For the new year, pastors , church leaders and elders need to start getting with the program. It is time for the church to walk and abide in the great callings Paul taught in the book of Ephesians. He asks that we obtain the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of God and that our eyes be enlightened about the hope of His calling! Wow, that sounds like divine living. In that kind of living, there is joy unspeakable and full of glory. We are able to endure difficult times and circumstances in full hope that Jesus is always with us, even in the storm! Are God’s people so full of joy that the world sees it and rejoices? Does our joyful countenance make people compelled to taste and see that the Lord is good and invite them to be their Lord and Savior?.

But the church is too busy going on a witch hunt and scrutinizing small matters of personal conviction rather than teaching the glorious and edifying ways of Christ.

We can no longer abide in a place of lack or ignorance regarding achieving the full array of the glorious promises Father wants us to have. He wishes us to be prosperous and in good health. Yes, there will be times of testing when we may have to endure sickness for a while for His glory, in expectation of healing and restoration. There will be times when Father will allow a satanic attack to buffet us (as in Paul’s case when he asked God three times to take away the thorn in his flesh) , but use it as spiritual muscle-building test so Father is glorified.

The church is directed to build up each other in faith, in gifts and in callings. Love and edifying are the chief goals, but next in line is successful spiritual warfare and knowing our adversary the devil is about seeking to destroy. . Love and wisdom must walk hand in hand.

This January begins a fresh year where I’ll enter the next phase of God’s divine destiny, power, wisdom and prosperity. We must not think prosperity is limited to financial wealth, but wholeness in every area). Father invites us to ask Him for wisdom and we must not stop at where we are, but ask Him to continue imbue us with dunamis (dynamite) wisdom and exousia (authoritative) wisdom!

God bless you!

BEAUTIFUL hand-beaded, one-of-a-kind Chokers


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About Artist,Anita Ivette Ferrer

Anita Ivette Ferrer thought her unexpected health affliction would be short-lived. She didn’t expect to be still struggling over seven years later from Dystonia, a mysterious movement disorder which doctors say has no known cause nor cure. Anita is used to engaging challenging circumstances, but her latest has brought her to the forefront of uncharted territory Faith in Jesus Christ in hand coupled with an iron will propels her to new heights of spiritual self-discovery, supernatural trust in God and ultra creativity.

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When she wakes up each morning, she inwardly dreads another day coping with the pain and fatigue which could restrict her ability to live a normal life. But as she gets up from her bed, she relies upon Christ to empower her with strength and hope for the day! Her prayers are always answered as she tackles her house chores, outreach to the bedridden, elderly and dying and her creative endeavors.

fall,2014 128 my collection of Beautiful chokers
Quite by accident, Anita found a temporary respite from her violent facial twitching while repairing some old broken beaded chokers. She found that focusing upon the fine beadwork caused the muscles to cease pulling! The next thing she knew, she was spending more and more time at the craft stores purchasing unique, beautiful beads for her new passion!

Anita, 1989 Magna Cum Laude Brookdale Community College graduate whose major studies were in the humanities and social services, never imagined that a condition like Dystonia would lead her back to her childhood talent, designing!

fall,2014 139Anita believes with all her heart that her healing could be just a heart beat away. Though each day continues to be a struggle, God inspires her to keep the momentum going! She has learned through overcoming battle with chronic Lyme Disease, poverty, child abuse and domestic violence that in order to grow, one must re-invent themselves! Though she’s had to greatly curtail her performing and song-writing due to the spasms, her beaded jewelry design has taken her to new levels of exciting creativity and an opportunity to share her craft with the world. She also hopes to educate the public about Dystonia and movement disorders which are increasing. As yet the only treatments for Dystonia are Botox injections and DPS Deep Brain stimulation which Anita feels would not help her symptoms.

Anita resides with her husband and their cats in Browns Mills, NJ. She is also available to minister in music at your church or special event.

close up anita OG

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Purchase of Anita’s creations helps her to continue ministering to the elderly, disable and hospice patient. You can find out more about Anita via her http://www.anitaivetteferrer.wordpress.com blogsite

Anita Ivette Ferrer
Anita Ivette Ferrer One of a Kind Designs
Brave Flame Productions & Outreach
Po Box 102, Bradley Beach, NJ 07720
609-893-2397

Prices range from $25 to $70

Christmas special two for one price `

Proceeds to Dystonia research and Brave Flame Productions & Outreach

In the Waiting Room


 

Standing in Faith for Divine Restoration

I’m in the waiting room. It is the same room where Job wrestled with himself and God. This waiting room is a spiritual area where an afflicted and suffering child of God straddles , (and struggles with) the blurred line of complete faith and trepidatious pain.)

In the waiting room, I’m reading the book of cures for all conditions, despite the fact that I dread the fact that I may wake up to yet another day where this stabbing in my Jaw joint will relentless pummel me to the point of sobbing out loud for relief. I may not be scraping erupting boils off my skins with a sharp piece of pottery, but I am fighting thoughts of being in never-never land with my heavenly father, where there will be no more tears or suffering. What keeps me going is the truth that my Redeemer lives.

God has sent me off downhill on the front seat of a racing rail car in to uncharted territory. For those of us dealing with acute chronic pain without medication, I’ve spent years wracking my brain trying to pinpoint the source of my distress. I’ve also exhausted every option of treatment, to no avail and have also been through countless doctors who’ve treated me with every healing modality available.

I stand here, scratching my head, wondering what to do with myself. I follow Jesus with a devoted heart and know of a certainly that Father God is not the giver of this tormenting disease, but my enemy satan who has sent out one or several of his minions to torment me.

I’m pretty much exhausted and disgusted by all the years of driving to doctors and trying this and that with no relief. I wonder every day how other children of God deal with their excruciating pain. I’ve amassed a library of books on deliverance and getting myself free.

I’ve experienced and learned quite a bit since my other Dystonia blogs from several years ago. I hope this latest one will give a little more insight and a little more hope to the hopeless!

Prayer avails much and the more yo know about the specifics of your condition, the more confidently you can pray in full assurance that Yashuah, or healer shall heal or sickness! Always put prayer at the top of your list, asking Father for supernatural wisdom and whether you’ll need to be treated by a good doctor.

First off, here are a few links that yo may want to check into. My issue has been violent twitching of the neck, mouth, tongue and throat areas, particularity the Platysma muscles and Temporo Mandibular Jaw joint, TMJ. I have done all kinds of research to find a way to sooth the pain in that area.

Dystonia of the lower face cold be cased by Trigeminal Neuyraligia

http://neurosurgery.uthscsa.edu/display_patients.php?ps_id=61&pg

You may also want to pray and ask Father if your resistant Lyme or Dystonia could be linked to a spiritual root. My husband and I just finished a week-long stint of powerful teachings on the spiritual roots of Disease. Although I am very acquainted with the scriptures, I was very surprised to learn about how satan can afflict God’s people with disease and sickness through open doorways of sin or generational curses. Many pastors and denominations insist that once we accept Christ as our Savior it’s a done deal. But there are too many Christians who love Christ and are trying to live godly lives who are suffering greatly from the effects of things that happened during their childhood, in early adolescence and even in the womb! I would leave no stone upturned when it comes to walking in total healing and deliverance.

Doctor Henry Wright, founder of BE IN Health teaching ministries and author of his book, says much about sin being a cause of our stubborn and chronic sickness.

http://www.beinhealth.com/public/

Here are some excellent ministries who specialize in deliverance if you find your symptoms are not improving.

Robert Heldler
http://www.amazon.com/Set-Yourself-Free-Deliverance-Manual/dp/0979167809

Pastor Derek Prince

I also highly recommend detoxifying your body as best as you can. Since Lyme is also connected with mercury start today on a dedicated detoxifying regimen. You’ll still have to deal with pain or discomfort but the less toxins, bacteria and fungi you have the more energetic you’ll be.

Doctor sherry Rogers, book “DETOXIFY or DIE”

http://organicconnectmag.com/sherry-rogers-md-god-designed-the-body-to-heal/#.U0cKRlOwXrY

Above all, Dr Jesus is your chief physician, so pray, declare those scriptures and rejoice, even if you’re sobbing in agony! My life has been so complicated, as many of you also have. May we love each other and fervently pray for each other as Jesus commands us and share the secrets of healing and restoration with each other. The world truly knows we are Christian when we love and cherish each other.

Slow But Steady Progress


Journal Entry, October 3, 2013
My Journey recovering from Lyme, Dystonia and heavy-metal, mercury Poisoning

I am redeemed from the curse and by Jesus’ stripes I am healed! This is the truth I hold on to each day as I grasp the Lord for my complete wholeness. I continue to make the many changes needed for my complete restoration. This morning, I wake up, thanking Him and praising Him for all He has done. I learned that God loves to her our praises and we appreciate all He has done for us. God despises complainers and I try my best, in spite of the great pain and discomfort, to endure each day.

Yesterday was a day from hell. My appointment to be fitted for a crown with Dr Elizabeth Piela, my holistic dentist. arrived. I don’t have to worry about more toxins entering my body with dental repairs. Dr Piela is thorough, not only highly knowledgeable, but also compassionate. She listens to me when I share my concerns and we brainstorm together for a solution. Quite unlike an arrogant Lyme Disease doctor in Stockton who rebuked my husband when he asked for confirmation that EDTA was good for mercury/heavy metal poisoning chelation. Such is the reality with most doctors, who are very arrogant regarding patients who are well-educated about their illness or condition.

I awoke to yet another beautiful, warm Indian summer day. My right jaw was still sore from over two and a half hours of being pried open for preparation of my crown. I was in agony and almost broke down in tears as my throat and jaw nerves kept convulsed. I couldn’t believe the procedure was taking so long, but doctor assured me it was necessary for the procedure. She gave me several shots in my gums so I wouldn’t feel the pain. I was glad I called a spiritual mother earlier in the day for prayer and agreement that I would have no horrendous pain afterwards. I thanked Jesus over and over each second we counted down for the mold to harden for my molar crown. Many thoughts flooded my mind as Dr worked on me. I was angry that the enemy had so attacked my body and teeth over the years and that my progress was so slow.

Continuing her work, Dr mentioned that magnetic detox clay did wonders for mercury. I could have slapped myself, because hubby Mark had purchased a supply for me, but I was always so overwhelmed with my protocol that I kept forgetting! I vowed to apply my clay as soon as I got home to speed up the detox process of my jaw, gums and neck.

There were a myriad of issues I had to deal with every day. The pain factor was the greatest, with the Right jaw being almost dislocated. Then I had the anxiety of not knowing when my teeth were going to chomp down on my poor tongue. Most days, both sides of my tongue were riddled with bumps from where the teeth cut through. Those times that the tooth cut deep and I bled profusely. I screamed at the top of my lungs and cried out loud for about ten minutes. I seemed to take forever for the pain to subside. Every time it happened, I asked God. “Why is this body behaving this way? Is there anybody else on earth enduring such a hell where her mouth, teeth and teeth are her worst enemy? And when will this end?”

I faithfully prayed in faith, wept and searched online for testimonies or stories of other Dystonia, Lyme and heavy metal poisoning victims experiences with recovery. I’ve yet to find anyone with these bizarre and tormenting symptoms, making me all the more isolated and disheartened. I could easily deal with the toxicity, but daily dealing with such pain every moment is almost excruciating. If it weren’t for my relationship with my Heavenly father, Jesus and Holy Spirit I surely would have fallen deeply into depression or been committed.

So, after enduring over two and a half hours of my mouth being pried open, Dr Piela fitted my molar with a temporary crown. I felt so weak from the procedure, that I asked Father God for extra help again to drive home.

So this morning, as I wake up to face yet another day, I start weeping, asking for God’s help and seeking to look deep within myself to free up my body, mind and spirit from any toxic residue. My research about mind-body connection continues as I learn from Dr Caroline Leaf how negative thoughts and emotions from the past take deep root in even our subconscious mind! I know as I continue to soul-search search and address old attitudes with the Holy Spirit, I’m getting freer and freer. But, it’s a taxing process. I vow to completely conquer rejection, abuse and trauma issues from my past. I am going upward and moving forward because Christ has paved the way for me to be fully delivered and vibrant!

Despite all this agonizing, “turtle-slow” progress, I declare

“Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

I’m called to be the poster child of mysterious, undiagnosed and environmental illness being totally healed by the stripes of Jesus Christ. I’m paving the way in the new frontier of illness that may be bio-engineered in nature.

Many questions remain unanswered as I fumble towards total wellness. I know for a certainty that My Heavenly father will never give me more than I can handle. This challenge entails a steadfast trust, faith and action in Him! This battle is not only a physical, but a spiritual where I must be in position to merge all the Biblical truths-promises with the medical-scientific components! This is truly challenging for one who has no mentor to learn from!

This blog-journal entry is quite different and even more specific than any I have ever written, probably because there is so much at stake. We are in such times where many hapless people and children are suffering greatly and where orthodox medicine has failed in it attempts to heal!

Truly, today, this generation desperately needs the most spiritually (Christ-enlightened) holistic healers. Only the pure, refined temperance of the Holy Spirit can completely make whole those with spiritually rooted or bio-engineered illnesses. Christ warns us in Matthew chapter 24 of the hosts of darkness which will come and deceive the nations, doctors and scientists to ensnare and trick the population into thinking they will be healed and free. There is no darkness in Christ at all, for His wisdom is pure. New Age has beguiled us into thinking we are our own healers.

(This blog seems to be writing itself) so, I share this journal entry with parents whose children are suffering from autism, with grown children whose parent is dying from PSP, (another degenerative and incurable movement disorder) and with those who have neurological conditions of which there is no cure or relief. These are medical-spiritual maladies that we must delve deeply into and unravel, rather than putting on a useless band-aid of pharmaceuticals which only mask the symptoms. I believe healers are entering an age of enlightenment never before entered. Natural healers and physicians must be very careful about who they are learning from.

Yahweh God has all the answers despite the claims of the “Illuminated Ones.” angels from the dark side are disquieted as angels of light. Yahweh never reveal His uncontaminated wisdom to the arrogant, selfish and demonic who wish to market and sell (in the black markets) at huge profits. Those pure ones in the medical community who truly seek the healing of the hopeless suffering will be the ones whom our Creator God will grant great successful medical and spiritual exploits!

http://yahwehisking.com/new-age-healing/

It is for this reason, I share my journey with you!

I pray you, (gifted and compassionate physicians) and patients suffering a catastrophic illness will ask Father God and Jesus Christ, who created your body, mind and spirit in perfect union with Him. It is only in Him where we will find perfect rest and peace. It is only in the shelter of His wings where we will find true refuge, Psalm 91 1&2 Those who put their full trust in Him shall not ever find themselves in slavery to dark influences. Christ said “Come to me all you that are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.” mat 11:28

Are you weary today? Are you suffering with a mysterious or bio-engineered illness? Jesus Christ, the ultimate healer is the answer! Only through Him are all mysteries revealed and perfect healing manifested. God bless you as you give him the ropes, follow His leading, adjust your lifestyle-emotional habits and diet do everything in your power to be whole!

Expect a miracle…in Jesus’ name!

A Tailor’s Journey With Her Taylor


private party sparta GOLF CLUB,b

A Tailor’s Journey With Her Taylor

Before I fell in Love with music, I was a skilled tailor by trade. As a young girl, I watched my mother sew with thread and needle. I tried my hand and found I was skilled. By sixth grade, I was designing the medieval costumes for school plays and continued to take fashion and seamstress courses in high school. After graduation, to make ends meet, I tailored for various local seamstress shops and even at Abraham and Strauss.

After several years, I grew restless sitting at a sewing machine all day. I hoped for an out and got one a few months after my new job at a fine ladies dress shop. I altered very expensive clothing and was very stressed. One day, a month into my stint at a fine ladies dress shop, I was working on a suit. My mind drifted. I wasn’t paying attention to the heat of my iron. To my horror, the iron touched the lining of the suit’s sleeve and melted a noticeable hole. My supervisor discovered it the next day and I was fired.

I became very depressed and for over a year, I languished directionless and unmotivated, going to different neighborhoods for garden work and leaf raking. It was a very difficult and uncreative time, but I had to pay my rent. I prayed to God for a miracle and knew that He had something very special for me.

In 1989, I befriended a talented guitar player who asked me to front his Christian heavy metal/hard rock band. Chris liked my voice and I ended up writing lyrics for him and his drummer. We fell in love, soon discovered we had some differences and less than a year later, we broke up. The band also fell apart.

Time healed our wounds. Chris and I resumed our friendship and he has remained my long-time song-writing partner, contributing greatly to my recorded songs. he is one of the most creative lead guitarists I’ve ever worked with.

Fast forward, a few years later, a surprising and unexpected door opened! My friend and spiritual mother and I were enjoying a crisp, fall day at the Collingswood Auction flea market. We were searching the small stores for treasures. At one store, she noticed a handsome, pony-tailed guy eying something in a counter. “Mom” Winnie tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he was a guitar player.

“I’m helping my friend find a suitable guitarist to accompany her for her gigs,” she explained.

Jeff was so gracious and asked her if I had any music he could buy. He followed us to my car where I had a copy of my first, recently printed CD, “I’ll Fly High”. Then we exchanged numbers. Imagine my surprise when I arrived home and found his message on my answering machine!

“That voice! That voice” he gloated. I called him.

“With that gorgeous voice you need to be accompanying your own self on guitar,” Jeff urged.

The next week, Jeff came over with his guitar, sat me down and showed me the fingerings of a few basic chords. He urged me to get comfortable with it and play every day.

By the end of the week, I’d fallen in love with his guitar. Two weeks later, I wrote my first song, an acoustic ballad, Receive.” A month later, I felt confident enough to play my own guitar at a church coffeehouse and a woman even accepted the Lord as her Savior at the end of the concert as we prayed together! People responded so well to my voice, that I bought a jazz chord book so I could experiment with different chords. I wrote “Basket Case” a week later!

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Jeff was so impressed that he planned to take me on a shopping spree for my own guitar. We made plans to visit Nothing New Music store, Lakehurst, NJ, Taylor guitars were advertised. When the owner, Ken Sturcke. offered to show his three Taylors he wanted to sell, Jeff’s eyes lit up. He was especially impressed by a certain model because of her rich-bodied tome and cherry wood. After playing a few more leads, Jeff smiled, “Well that settles it, Ken, Anita’s gonna take this Taylor.”

I balked at the list price, but Ken said he would give me a great deal on the Taylor.

“Your angelic voice must be accompanied by this Taylor,” Ken assured me.

I was so excited, I knew this was a God thing! Ken prayed with me that God would bless my artistry and ministry with the Taylor. I knew in my heart that we’d soon be making wonderful history.with her. When I got home, I pondered the sudden timeliness of purchasing such an expensive thing as a guitar, I knew God would make a way for me to pay for her…and He was faithful

Within a month, I had the full thousand dollars. I didn’t even have to pay for the seventy-five dollars tax because I served with a non-profit organization. Our executive director said that my singing/ministering was a part of the organization ministry.

I’ll never forget that day I walked out of Ken’s store with my exquisite Taylor. The following year, I was continually inspired to write new songs, experimenting along the way with the unique jazz chords I’d found in my book. The Taylor kept up her true tuning despite humidity and the cold. My Taylor was so well-crafted that I never suffered the embarrassment of an out-of-tune guitar at the start of my set. My Taylor continued to give me excellent, service for all my gigs as well as funeral/wake service.

Opening for Highway 9, STONE PONY

Fast forward again, a few years later, I had to make an impromptu visit to a friend who was dying of cancer. I’d just came home from grocery shopping and had left my Taylor outside, next to the rear of my car. After dusk, I hurried to start my car and proceeded to back out. Each time I tried to go in reverse, the car would stop. Something was caught by the wheel. As I tried backing out the third time, I suddenly remembered I’d left my Taylor outside. When I got out of my car, I shrieked in horror. The top part of the Taylor’s case was mangled! I almost passed as I bent down to take a closer look. I felt weak with shock as I gingerly opened the case to inspect the damage. The upper neck was in bad shape. Tears fell from my eyes as I ran back to my apartment to call my boyfriend about the terrible news. He calmed me down and then I called my pastor. He prayed with me that the Taylor was not so badly damaged that she couldn’t be played again.

I called Ken, told him what had happened with my Taylor. He suggested a friend who owned a luthier shop in Toms River. I brought the Taylor to Paul Unkert and he said the Taylor was repairable. He couldn’t guarantee that she’d stay in tune, but he would do the best he could. It turned out that the truss rod had not been damaged.

My Taylor had another accident again, about three years ago. She was in her case, standing vertical. The case just fell over, slamming violently to the floor. Again, the upper neck came apart. Again, Paul Unkert came to rescue and again, Amazingly, The Taylor still kept her tune!

Soon after the Taylor’s second accident and repair, I fell ill with a mysterious condition which affected my neurological system. Fearful, my husband and I saw a doctor who diagnosed me with Dystonia. He had no idea what caused it nor a cure to give me relief. My neck & throat muscles pulled and twitched violently. I made strange-looking facial grimaces and was exhausted by mid-day. I lost all interest in socializing, my hobbies, eating, song-writing and gigging. The Dystonia also affected my mouth, teeth and tongue. I felt like a freak. I was always anxious that at any moment, my teeth would comp down hard on my tongue and I’d be a bleeding mess.I was miserable!

Anita strummin' fall 2009
I forced myself to leave the house and make something of my life. I ended up visiting the elderly, ailing and handicapped seniors at Buttonwood Hospital. I found when I made the sacrifice, I was so rewarded giving joy and music to those suffering more than me! Amazingly, when I sang with her, my tremors lessened!

Dystonia has been vicious to me, often robbing me of creativity, motivation and joy BUT God…has always provided me with strength and hope each day as I continue to seek a cure and restore my former life. There’s no room for bitterness or resentment when I see people in worse shape. God is my strength and I live moment by moment, one day at a time.

Playing Christmas Hymms on my guitar with Pastor Matt

As I continued struggling with my symptoms, the beautiful Taylor seems to take on her own voice. Often, I’m in such distress I can’t stop crying. I’d suddenly stop as lyrics flowed through my mind. I grabbed my Taylor and wrote beautiful laments-songs, sometimes within 15 minutes! From this painful year came enough material for a my first worship Psalms CD, “The Anointing.”

“I’ve Come Here To Worship” is one such song that unendurable;e pain inspired me to write. Weeping is always followed by praise and worship when I acquiesce to His presence and get out of my self! Many more songs have come from this place of suffering.

My Taylor possesses another special quality: a magnetic attraction to nature and wildlife. One such episode was when I stopped to relax on a park bench in Marine Park, Red Bank, NJ for some solitude.I faced the undulating, peaceful Navesink river, The skies were blue with puffy white clouds. I noticed a school of fish congregating to where I was. At first, I thought it was coincidence that they lingered right there in front of me. Every time I stopped playing to take a short break, they swan away. As soon as they heard the strains of my voice and guitar, they floated back towards me. It was pretty amazing! I felt like the Pied Piper. Birds and dragon flies are also prone to linger whenever I play and sing.

The most transcendent episode with my Taylor though, has been when I had to minister at a funeral service. She accompanied me at the bedside of a my husband’s best friend’s dying father. I sang amazing Grace and my Psalm 91 and encouraged him not to be afraid of where he was going. I felt like Monica of “Touched By an Angel’

“Do you know how much God loves you,” I tenderly whispered to Claude’s father as I held his hand.

He died a few days later and I was asked to sing a song for his memorial service. I sang Psalm 91 again.

When my husband and I arrived at the Catholic church, we were surprised to find out the cantor had not even expected me to sing. Nonetheless, God gave me favor and the cantor told me where I would be in the program. As I walked to the podium to sing my solo. I noticed the sublime ambiance of the stain-glassed surroundings of the church. My pristine soprano reverberated and I felt like an angel singing glory to God. After the service, family and friends met at the banquet hall nearby. When I went to the ladies room, I noticed a woman pulling my husband aside. When I met him at our table, he told me the woman was an old family friend and had to tell him something.

“I must tell you that your wife has a beautiful voice… the voice of an angel My gift is seeing into the supernatural realm. As your wife was singing,I saw cherubim gathered around her shoulder. They were dancing gleefully and celebrating!”

I was very surpassed to hear that from my husband but it made sense in light of the precious way, the Taylor and music entered my life. It was so extra-ordinary, no one could deny God’s hand in this magical and sublime gift. My Taylor and I were a mesmerizing pair! Another amazing thing is that no one in my family was a musician or had a calling for ministry.

Performing at Buttonwood
At present I am without my Taylor. This spring’s unusual humidity caused my Taylor’s neck to come apart again, so she is waiting for a miracle. I’ve been performing and ministering with Jeff’s guitar and though she is wonderful sounding, nothing compares to my Taylor.

I’m praying to continue ministering at the hospitals, finish the recording of my “Anointing” Cd and to be ready when there is a need for people to come into God’s presence. I know I’m called to continue recording and performing the exquisite psalms my heavenly Father inspires me to write. I wait expectantly to see the next miracle with my Taylor!

MOVING ALONG at a SNAIL’S PACE


Journal Entry, Tuesday,  September 6, 2011

Well, to me Summer is over. The leaves on my favorite little tree in our backyard has already changed to speckled orange and cranberry. I’m wistful as I look out the window to a grey, cool and rainy Tuesday, the day after Labor Day. Mark had to work again & I had I regretted that I got no visits or calls from friends or family.

Today marks four years and a half years since my Dystonia diagnosis,  I’ve come a long way, spiritually, but my progress in other areas have been intelligible. I read the blogs of fellow Dystonia sufferers and I just start to weep. Many shake violently. Some have given up their favorite hobbies. Most have become so dependent on their loved ones and families that they have lost their sense of  affirmation. That’s what a catastrophic illness does.

To be totally honest, watching Alex, (a 27 year-old Dystonia sufferer)  on the Montel William’s show was heart-rending.  I couldn’t  get through the first minute without crying this still-beautiful young woman shares that she had planned to be a dancer. Sharing this poignant struggle and journey, I wonder how others like her deal with Dystonia.  Regardless, she has become an inspiration to those of us suffering from movement disorders.

http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/content/Alexs_Story

Each day, thoughts and emotions about mortality, usefulness, attractiveness and career aspirations flood my mind. It seems the quality of my life has diminished drastically since graduation from Brookdale College  in 1989.  So seeing Alex struggle through life, I ponder how she gets along each day. I feel compelled to join the an advocacy crusade to help people like her continue to live productive and fulfilling lives.

The focus of any difficult condition is living as normal a life as possible and I’ve worked very hard to do so in spite of such vicious discomfort and exhaustion.  Hiding in my house was is not the plan God has for me.  There is a purpose  and I’m determined to make the best of it so that others can look to Him to thrive and shine.

Few conditions so steal so much as Dystonia because our bodies are totally out of control. The constant movement drains the life, energy and any creative desire. All I want to do is be unconscious and right now, my teeth  has already clenched down hundreds of times. The muscles at the nape of my neck are already very tight and my tongue is sore from scabs where my teeth have bitten right through. Is there anyone out there who has a tongue swollen with bite marks?

So…what good things can I say about my battle with Dystonia?  I continue to express my sadness and hopes for the future through my blogs and journaling. They’ve helped greatly to daily assuage the anger and frustration of hating to wake up and to address my longing for  my life to return to normal again.  I’m impassioned about mentoring people in the health/nutrition advocacy and hope to  educate the public about the seriousness of our tainted air, food and water supply and how it contributes to neurological disorders like MS, PPS Alzheimer and Parkinson’s Disease.

I yearn to understand how my body works and how the immune system can break down from outside poisoning assaults.  Movement disorder victims are increasing and they will continue to increase until we health advocates demand clean food and water! Our bodies can’t work efficiently when we are constantly inundated with pollution, fluoride, heavy metals and artificial chemicals.  The liver, kidneys and gall bladder become blocked. Victims of MS and movement disorders have lost most of their Myelin  sheath because of heavy metals. I believe the key to my healing will be to purge my body of metals and accumulated toxins, not drugs.

How have I really coped the past four and half years?  Not well, because I’m such a creative and curious person who loves to produce and learn about everything wonderful. I feel as if my emotions are muffled and find it almost impossible to connect deeply with anyone. Dystonia has also affected my femininity and assessment of who I am as a child of God.  I must rely heavily on God’s promises that assure my worth through His love and grace for me. That is difficult when all my life I’ve strived to stay fit, poised, trim, focused and intuitive.  All these have fallen to the wayside. I can’t even try to look attractive. It takes too much effort.  Right now, just getting through the next hour is a challenge

I’ve also become clumsy and drop things continually. At times it’s been so unbearable, all I can do is weep until I can’t weep anymore.  The hard part sometimes, is no one wants to talk about their struggles, especially Christians. Most of them give a trite scripture verse.  Sure no one wants to hear complaining or talk all the time about how bad you feel, but dog-gone-it, tell me how you deal with  honestly!

On the plus side, I’m blessed to share every tear, angry outburst and prayer with my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ, my dear spiritual family on Facebook and Indie heaven. My wonderful husband, Mark has been my defender and companion and  courageously bears with me in out battle together. Without the Lord,  though, I know I would have killed myself.

Thankfully Dystonia has  not affected my pure Soprano singing  voice or my fingers when I play guitar or do deft handwork on the hand-made cards I design. I take advantage of days where I’m not overly spamming.

Dystonia has ddefinitely dampened my desire to aggressively promote my music and books.  It takes tremendous amounts of energy,  time and focus and the draining and continuous movements leave me few hours of productivity.

I started my 4th original CD, Mod Prophet in 2007, shortly before the first spasms. Since then, I’ve had a severe curtailment of inspiration to write new songs. Once in a great while, during moments of  overwhelming grief, a new song will burst out of me.  “I’ve Come Here to Worship” is one such song that was borne during such a time and a dear friend has created a beautiful video which can be seen on You-tube.!

The most wonderful thing I can share about this painful  time is the reality of God’s sweet presence that has always sustained me throughout my life, but most especially these past four and a half years.  He always come in at the weakest times like a fresh, soothing rain to cool my parched and weary spirit. Perhaps that is the miracle of suffering!

My blogging/journey writing has also blossomed amazingly, allowing me the comfort and unrestricted platform to express my grief, sadness, regrets and joys.  In spite of the great and taxing weight of such a condition, God has truly  used me as His conduit,  (surprisingly) the areas of hospice, hospital visitation and at funerals.

I was told by a woman attending my husband’s best friend’s father’s funeral, that while I was singing my song, she saw giggling cherubs surrounding me. The woman was able to see into the spiritual realm. She insisted that I pay attention to my gift of healing to the sick and dying!

Expectations must be greatly lowered when you grapple with Dystonia. A neat, orderly house, beautiful trim, figure and a focused faith walk all fall apart and are often inconstant and sporadic. I often feel like I failed in my attempts to please God with my good behavior and faithful spiritual service. Since a young girl, much was expected of me by my father, my pastor, employers s and closest friends.

I try to make as much sense of it all as I can, but in the end, it is the Lord who sustains my balance and sanity.  Perhaps He is using this illness to make me dependent on Him and to show me I must learn to ignore people’s scrutiny, harsh judgments and  criticism, however well-intentioned. The Dystonia may have even be caused by years and years of conflict, hostile interactions and  too-high expectations placed on a fragile, and sensitive young woman trying to find her way in the world.

Dystonia may be just a complete break-down of my immune system and God wants to completely overhaul my whole body!

When ever I weep about the lost person I was because of this illness, God gently reminds me of His wonderful and tender promises. His grace is sufficient for me gauging my spiritual walk with others who enjoy good health is no longer an option. When I ‘m drained mentally and emotionally from trying to cope with the myriad  and mundane small tasks and chores I need to do each day, Jesus is there  to remind me, “lay your burdens upon for my burden is light. People have placed too many demands that have broken me and now I await my precious Savior to restore me.

Come quickly Lord Jesus.

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