WISDOM (Choosing Life)


Image result for free christian pictures of all races in harmony

A week after Election day, Facebook posts blare crisis headlines of rioting protesters across our nation. My heart sinks regarding the senselessness . I start to weep, grieving for the hard-working business people who would have to bear the financial brunt of the damage to their businesses.. I have never been able to deal well with fits of rage, anger and rebellion. As I pondered our national crisis, I thought of the verse,

The fear (reverence of the Lord) is the beginning of all wisdom.

I was raised by an old-school, Puerto-Rican, Catholic Father. Despite his overly harsh disciplining, I can truly say, that now, as a grown woman, I am grateful for the most important attributes my father taught me. Number one, was serving God in Faith, number two, being resourceful, and three was being honorable. Daddy did not tolerate laziness, rebellion or faithlessness. .His own mother cherished and instilled the same values and raised all her nine sons and daughters to embrace these noble characteristic. In Puerto-Rico, at that time, with a disabled husband, she managed to thrive under  great financial hardship and the stress of her husband’s  Tuberculous. Now, I hope I don’t appear superior to others, but there is much to be said to ask for the wisdom to choose life! Life is not  the circumstances whcih affect us, but how we respond. Our Lord Jesus said,  The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have [it] more abundantly. John 10:10. KJV

Wisdom is the key element and I love how the book of proverbs, (on of my favorite Biblical books, as well as Doctor Ben Carson’s) brims over with the essentials to prosperous and contented living. I can attest to heeding the guidelines of the book of proverbs as to the formula of victoring (and thriving) over the many trials and traumas of my life. I have also had to tearfully watch many of my friends and loved ones reject the wisdom of Proverbs and have suffered much misery and defeat.

riot

Seeing all the mindless, brutal assassinations of our policemen, frenzied violence, destruction of property and hatred towards those who have a differing opinion, I weep and mourning for what could be. Many have embraced a deluded and self-centered entitlement mindset and have truly lost the ability to ascertain wise living. Most fault goes to many in leadership and authority. They misguide the people through their own deception, illogic and greed for the almighty dollar. As I elaborated in a former blog, many have lost their moral compass and thus are spiraling outward into the raging waves of chaos. This is what America is experiencing today.

So how can we ascertain what is right and what is wrong? First, we need to research and learn from history and past leaders, (most important, the life of Christ, of which untold countless archeological discoveries prove His existence). History is a great teacher, but sadly, many refuse to ackowledge the horrific results of murderous dictators who have imposed their brutal ideologies, ( Socialism & communism for emaple) upon their people. Sadder still, are college professors, ( who are supposed to be the elite in education) who are the most uninformed and/or deluded. Delusion is a dangerous thing for any nation or people seeking enlightenment.

Through my seeking, reasoning with God and my countless personal expereinbces with  people from all walks of life , I have found that only God’s truth is the righteous compass. Some may say the Bible contradicts itself and that God is capricious and vengeful. Many things are frightening, damning or unloving, but one thing is absolute, God is love. We may lash out at him for killing whole populations, (Sodom and Gomorrah) . but if we do our research and study,  revelation will come. History will always tell her story.

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good:

…And it was good… Everything that God does is good. He is love…and what is love? .. love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. No one coming under the influence of these attributes would be fruitless or non-productive.  And if anyone has any sense or wisdom at all, they would see that  violent, angry demonstrators are in no way contributing anything of any value or goodness to society.  More than ever, today, we need wise mentors with divine strategies to solve the issue of racial division and strife. This is a glorious time where God’s people is the answer and where their role is to outreach with compassion. We need more American ministries to work in the urban and inner cities areas to duplicate what  Reverend  Graham, Pastor Jentezen and Pastor Jim Robison, (among many others)  are doing

Let’s take a look at some of the wonderful Christian ministries, (who have helped victims of disaster) rebuild their lives and produced the precious harvest of productivity, entrepreneurship and creativity in their benefactors..

Christianity is good.

Pastor Jentezen Franklin’s team has brought great relief and joy to Haiti.

https://www.jentezenfranklin.org/posts/outreach-update-haiti

Billy Graham’s son, Franklin Graham has also lead his amazing team of relief outreach workers worldwide

Jim and Betty Robison are another Christian couple who have brought relief to many thousands of orphans, single moms and victims of sex-trafficking all across the globe. Their effort and the support of their partners have taken many our of the depths of poverty, starvation and hopelessness to prosperity and peace..

http://lifetoday.org/outreaches/

These are the faces of God. These are the faces of wisdom, humility and love.
This is good and this is God.

The aforementioned are in extreme contrast to leaders whose actions and decisions have caused their people to suffer torment, pestilence, starvation and horrific death.

Socialism-Communism is bad

Read about President Maduro;’s style of governing his people in Venezuela http://readynutrition.com/resources/bartering-to-eat-how-people-on-the-streets-of-venezuela-are-surviving_05102016/#

Here is a report about Kim Jong-un and his leadership over North Korea.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/7878451/North-Koreas-suffering-revealed-in-new-study-of-defectors.html

Alcohol consumption-abuse has not been a positive influence for Russians:

http://www.bbc.com/news/health-25961063

Here is the infamous legacy of another Latin American dictator, one of the most cruel, Augusto Pinochet,

http://listverse.com/2014/01/23/10-disturbing-facts-about-latin-americas-cruelest-dictator/       And most sobering of all is this list of the deadliest leaders of all. http://www.thedailybeast.com/galleries/2011/10/21/the-20th-century-s-deadliest-dictators-photos.html    The annals of history has clearly proven that Socialism-Sommunism does nothing but enslave, depress and kill the spirits of the citizens who are forced to live under them. Notice that the regimes of these brutal dictators were Communist, Fascist or militarian and notice how millions upon millions were massacred! College professors, their students and every American citizen needs to take note of the difference between socialism-communism and the liberty that we enjoy here in America. Liberty of good. Liberty is from God and liberty came from God’s wisdom because it nurtures, benefits and brings life, health and prosperity to him who lives under it.

These aforementioned leaders’ legacies were the opposite of Jesus Christ’s teachings of “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.Mat 5:44 and “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Mat Mat 5:9

Wisdom knowing the benefits and abiding prosperously in the God-ordained mandate of democracy-freedom. The world needs a true revelation of godly wisdom and only then can all this rage, anarchy and destruction end. This would also apply to individual who are at war with themselves: being possessed by inner demons of lust, substance abuse, self-hate, fear, rage, unforgiveness and bitterness. Many good people also need to a divine revelation regarding their sonship-daughtership to their loving heavenly father. This absence, (of  Father-son, Father-daughter bond) is  the crux of the angst, alienation and hopelessness many demonstrators are expressing.  The church needs to understand this and implement a healing-transformative outreach!.

May we ask our higher power to reveal those things which are destroying us and after laying aside our pride, we receive the revelation of self-love,  healing and father’s transcend ant love. May we we all educate ourselves by visiting the annals of history and especially, the Bible)  and it’s results so we can ascertain the path to wise.

My People Perish For Lack of Knowledge


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My People Perish for Lack of Knowledge.
A Journey of Spiritual Recovery and Revelation

It’s been quite a roller coaster ride being in the throes of my intense healing regimen as well as looking on helplessly as friends and loved ones struggle for their lives in hospitals and at home. Since my last blog, a friend lost her battle with cancer and another friend survived a brain-tumor surgery leading to his losing his faculties and lying in a pitch-black room with his covers completely shrouding him! My father has been transferred to yet another hospital. His doctors are still at a loss on how to stabilize his high blood pressure which would often suddenly elevate for no reason. At present. he is clinging to his life regarding a clot in his leg. Yesterday, another dear spiritual sister called me from the hospital suffering with an unknown malady.

I wake up each morning and say my special healing prayer with assurance that God hears my declaration of faith! But I’m heart-broken that so many of my Christian friends and family members are enduring great struggles with health and healing. I keep asking Father God for answers and I keep hearing the same refrain… “My people perish for lack of knowledge!

Thinking about all these sickness and the diminished of their quality of lives, I determine to seek wisdom and understanding. I’ve never been one to just accept adverse circumstances, especially when they deal with the break-down of our bodies. Christ remind us that surely we will have trials and afflictions, but He has given us the covenant of healing and restoration. It is His perfect will to be in good health. 3rd John 1& 2

I continue to chronicle and meditate on my spiritual and physical progress. As I research the Bible and medical sites, I continue to seek Holy Spirit’s guidance. I notice one thing in common with all my friends and loved ones when a doctor diagnoses their condition. Most of them implicitly trust in whatever the doctor prescribes, however risky or life-threatening. Now I must reiterate the problem here is not just succumbing to a serious illness, but most of these people made no effort previously to prevent the disease coming on in the first place!

Sadly, my loved ones and friends acquiesced to orthodox medicine’s way of treating disease…with drugs. I refuse to go that route, preferring to allow God’s healing to restore me. Upon seeking Him whole-heartedly, because I know He knows best, I’m gaining more understanding each day. He has been faithful because I have surrendered to His wisdom. It has been a very difficult feat to unravel the mystery of my past emotional traumas and sins meshing with the environmental constituent. Holy Spirit reminds me that body, soul and spirit are all connected. The medical community sorely lacks the understanding of this truth and millions of people are dying. Millions of people have also gotten worse because of prescription drugs. Don’t take my word for it, do your own research.

As I continue to forge forward dissecting truth from the confusing maze of information and spiritual understanding. I pray that you too will uncover the error and wrong mindsets that brought you to this place of physical and emotional breakdown in the first place! Your path and choices may be very different from mine, but I pray that the books, links and materials I share in
The number one area of healing should be to ask God first. Pray and seek Him as never before. He loves you and His Bible has all the answers you need. There are also great Bible teachers who teach the perfect way of Healing through scripture verses. They are your spiritual medicine and must be declared several times a day.

Pray and ask God about medicines the doctor prescribes. I came upon the scripture verses in Gal., 5 19-21. In almost every case, pharmaceuticals are not the best choice for healing. Some may help a serious condition, but after that, other options should be investigated. The following links are very helpful regarding what the Bible has to say about healing.

http://www.victorysdachurch.org/4-01-06ChristianModMed.doc

Another outstanding and Biblically sound link:
http://heavenshelpers.org/?id=133

http://www.truthmagazine.com/archives/volume15/TM015091.html

I want to stress the most important aspect of this blog…your thinking! Your mind is the key element to your restoration. The Bible says:

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”.2 Tim 1:7

The NLT (New Living Translation) translate a sound mind KJV as self-discipline.

Walking in divine health certainly does entail discipline. Daniel and his 3 friends declined eating the fine food and wine at the king’s table and asked to subsist on vegetables and water. Their pure dietary regimen which affected their health proved to the king their wisdom and discipline was beneficial to His service. God allow his people to use their free will.

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is beneficial. 1 Cor 10:23 NLT (New Living Translation)

That included choosing what to put in their temples! Many of God’s precious people suffer from illness and die because they refuse to discipline themselves in good nutrition! That is truth and that is fact. We reap what we sow. I am thankful that because of my desire to please my Heavenly Father in all ways, I sought to discipline myself by eating organic, becoming vegetarian, drinking pure water and exercising

Henry W. Wright’s book, “A More Excellent Way to Be in Health, has been an astounding treasure chest of spiritual healing information I have ever read! Henry delves into deepest recesses of our minds, bodies and spirit’s. Here is where I discovered the reference of my emotional mind-sets and how they influenced my health and immune system capability! I discovered that my mind was very sick because of how my mother raised me, how I responded to trauma and how doors were opened for evil spirits to gradually wear me down! Fear is one of the most powerful emotions and invite a host of other damaging perspectives and behaviors.Henry also explains how some people inherit negative behaviors and mind-sets from their parents and ancestors. The only way to realign healthy perspectives and thought patterns is to permeate the mind with the powerful Biblical scriptures. This is how God’s people overcome sickness, disease and death…through a regenerated mind!

Dr Caroline Leaf, Communication Pathologist, who holds a doctorate in Speech and Communication pathology proves that destructive thoughts can cause damage to the dendrites in our brain! Her page, Though Life show how powerful our brains are and what we can accomplish when we choose to think positively!

http://drleaf.com/thought_life.php

I’ve also broken some ground through the powerful and anointed ministry resources from Derek Prince ministries. The late Derek Prince, is a highly anointed and compassionate man of God whose demeanor is always straightforward, yet gentle. Because of his ministry, I’m coming to grips with many unconscious traumas from my past that have kept me from walking in all of God’s fullness. Many Christians seem not to struggle with ancestral curses or strongholds, but there are indeed many hapless and innocent children of God who have been enslaved by the sins and transgressions of their parents and grandparents.

Derek’s booklet “Pulling Down Strongholds” is an excellent resource as well as his DVD teaching, “How to be Delivered”. You’ll be very surprised to know that even evangelical, born-again people of God can be demonized, (oppressed) although they cannot be possessed by demons. I highly recommend these materials for anyone who is desperate to heal from an abusive past.
http://www.derekprince.org/Store/Products/1000058198/DPM_Store/Spiritual_Warfare/Spiritual_Conflict_Warfare/Pulling_Down_Strongholds.aspx

One of the best books on Divine healing, “Healing the Sick” by T.L. Osborne is resplendent with uplifting scriptures, testimonies and Bible truths for the sick or dying.

If you have given up on traditional ways of healing, I guarantee your hope will be rekindled when you surrender your life to the Lord! These resources I’ve shared have so enlightened me regarding the issue of healing. Each day, presents itself with renewed hope as the Holy Spirit remove all my past heartaches, old negative thought patterns and traumatic incidents that scarred me for so long. Discipline yourself to start a new regimen, starting with prayer, praise and quiet time with the Lord. Stay focused. You have to remind yourself, you are forming a new positive, Christ lifestyle. The Holy Spirit will give you new revelation and you find yourself invigorated as His word recharges your drained spiritual batteries!

I have only love, compassion and great excitement for your new life in Christ through His divine healing pattern. I must admit also, that pursuing a music career used to be my focus, but Father God allowed the breakdown of my health to seek Him with all my heart!

I’ve been drawn to the book of Proverbs, one of my favorite books and chock full of ageless wisdom. But Jer. 6:16 fits in with many of the Proverbs

“Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the
good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.

God tell us, “My ways are not your ways and your thought not my thoughts.” Nothing we could do, think or say could compare with God’s magnitude of wisdom and understanding. The wonderful thing about our heavenly Father is that He is eager and willing to share all of His knowledge and guidance…if we ask Him first!

5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5 NIV

If a child of God wants to be successful, he must make it a practice to ask God first…about everything. The ancient, (Hebrew translation is must seek for the ancient paths ( the original translation of ancient is “heavenly.” So then, everything about God and what he wants to give us is divine…from above. As we allow Christ to transform our minds into His mind,we unlearn the old, futile and negative ways from the world, our parents upbringing and our own ideas. How urgent then it is for parents and teachers to guide children in the ways of God so they can prosper!

As you heal, remember to thank Him…even if it hurts.

It’s kind of funny, that having had a very successful tenure as a teacher of youth at Youth Advocate Program, Eatontown, NJ and behavior modification counselor at Nutri-System weight-loss centers, I am presently apprenticing under the Lord. I’m starting over and re-learning God’s pattern of life, health and success!

I hope to obey God’s word to be tender-hearted and nurture you all in wisdom and love. Many of you have been deeply wounded and have no idea how to break out of your old prison May of you have poor or no information. Many of you have had harsh parents, teachers, pastors, priests or rabbis who led you down the wrong path…of legalistic religion.

I hope to remind teachers to be very careful in our ministry to the fragile souls, (and even with ourselves) as we address deep unconscious areas that need God’s special healing!

We are to be tender-hearted (1 Peter 3:8, 1 Tim 5:1, Eph 4:32) to all. We are called to tell the truth in love.. Oh, how we need good, anointed teaching and good nurturing. Choose carefully who you will learn under. Most of what I’ve learned the hard way is by making my own mistakes The areas of dating/courting, nutrition, health-medicine are sorely lacking.

Know that to be blessed with knowledge and understanding is to be like searching for hidden treasure. Prov. 2 3&4

Derek Prince mentioned in his book that God’s people need to learn to think. That is the mistake most of us make when we become Christians. We seem to lose the ability to think for ourselves when we get under a pastor. That is why it is so important to study God’s word under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and to ask God to learn and grow under a loving and wise pastor! We have to learn to get deep and ask God for the very specifics.

Father I ask for your divine wisdom today for the reader of this post. I declare a divine connection between them and You, Lord. Open up the well springs of your wisdom and knowledge so they can declare your works and majesty. Holy Spirit, guide and enlighten them with all truth. Cleanse every area of their minds and help them to walk in the path of Divine healing starting now. In Jesus’ name, I thank you and pray. Amen!

For the Love of People


Pee-Wee loves to minister!

Pee-Wee loves to minister!

For the LOVE of People

Coming from a broken family, enduring bullying as a teen and surviving domestic violence and divorce, Anita Ferrer, went on a quest to understand human behavior and relationships.

After accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of her life in 1982, Anita was introduced to ministering to the elderly in nursing homes and later speaking to the incarcerated at Correctional facilities and maximum security prisons. Her faith walk drew her into a compassionate love affair with hurting, broken and ailing people. The pain, loss and failures of her own life gave her a passion to understand and help restore the lives of people who had lost their way or were alone.
Anita’s praying and seeking for more schooling in the areas of social sciences led her to study the humanities at Brookdale Community College, Lincroft, NJ. Under the tutelage of supportive professors who helped her to explore the dynamics of being human, she blossomed. “On Death and Dying,(Hospice)” “Writing from the Female Experience” and her “Advance Creative Writing Projects” with Dr Carl Calender continued to hone and meld her writing with outreach/ministry.

Immediately after graduating magna-cum-laude with a 3.85 GPA, Anita was hired as a Behavior Modification counselor at Nutri-System Weight Loss Center and as a youth mentor for the Youth Advocate Program in Eatontown, NJ. These two positions gave her the hands-on experience to teach, encourage and “help “soul sculpt” people from many ages and backgrounds struggling with challenges in their lives.

Pee-Wee loves momma Betty!

Pee-Wee loves momma Betty!

In 1998, Anita was hired as program coordinator of “Just the Right Touch, ” a ministry of “Love in the Name of Christ”, Eatontown, NJ. The unique program for misplaced and young women entering the job force from the welfare rolls, primed her for running a ministry boutique for the poor of Monmouth County, NJ. She cherishes deeply, the people she meet and helped to get back on their feet.

Presently, Anita is finishing up the recording of her two CD’s, “Mod Prophet” a hard rock “message” tinged work and The Anointing, her first worship and Praise CD. In between looking after her husband, cats, designing photography books and home, she regularly ministers to her favorite people, the elderly at Buttonwood Hospital, Burlington, NJ and her mom and other residents at Brandywine assisted Living center, Bricktown NJ. Her ministry cat Pee-Wee, who accompanies her, always brings smiles to the residents!

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Anita smiles, “ I’m so blessed to do my ministry outreach to those with so many more problems than me as I recuperate from a long period of :Lyme Disease, Dystonia, (a neurological disorder) and mercury I’m recovering soon and doing even more. I love seeing others restored! I look to Jesus and depend on Him, moment to moment for the strength to be as creative and productive each day. No matter how bad I feel, He’s always there. And I also couldn’t do it all without my precious husband, Mark!”

Performing at Buttonwood

LIVING UNDER the GUN and BREAKING FREE, Part 1


I awoke with a start to tough hands grabbing the hair at the back of my neck.
“Get up and make love to me,” my three-hundred pound husband growled viciously.

“No!”

Before I knew what was happening,  Steven threw his full weight upon my head and shoulders. He was trying to smother me. Something that I’d held in check for the  year and a half of his stalking and emotionally violating  me welled inside of me and exploded into a burst of energy.  My upper body arched upwards with a strength I’d never experienced and he was thrown off balance. I then jumped on his chest and grabbed his hair.

“If you ever touch me again, I’ll kill you.”

That ended the year and a half of courtship and marriage in hell. I will never forget that night. I’d endured demonic fits of rage and hatred directed towards me and anyone who was my friend or family member. Steven threatened to kill my sisters if they didn’t stay out of our business and reminded me  if I didn’t marry him, he would track me down to the far ends of the earth and kill me. I walked on egg shells everyday in fear of upsetting him. He forbade me to wear anything attractive and God forbid a man should lay eyes on me. They would also be threatened. Everything set  Steve off.

I got the shock of my life when after our wedding ceremony and dinner, he took every check and cash gift and deposited in his account. I never saw a dime.  His heartless control of every aspect of my life made me want to kill myself, but I had my two precious cats I didn’t want to leave behind. I was certain God hated me to put me in bondage to this monster of a man I was forced to marry.  It became more and more debilitating to daily deal with Steven’s  extreme  moods and equally traumatic to realize I was vulnerable and defenseless. Wherever I turned, there was no help. Even my pentecostal pastor and his elders were useless in their prayers to stop  Stevens violence and hatred. My weight plummeted and I lost all hope that God cared.

Looking back, I realize that even though totally unequipped and ignorant about demon-possession, God had a purpose in allowing such a trial. It was a lesson that would give me confidence and strength for the years to come.

My journey to spiritual freedom and confidence would take almost two decades.  As I share my journey with you, I pray that you can avoid unnecessary pitfalls of spiritual bondage and a defeated Christian lifestyle. I’m thankful to Yeshua, Jesus Christ, for His gentle healing and especially God’s word which have truly established my being and identity! I am forever grateful that I stuck it out with Him through my many blazing fiery trials.

How it came to the point of marrying such a disturbed man can be traced back to my early girlhood. I always had a very timid demeanor and was easily frightened by my mother and father’s  displays of anger and disapproval. I remember well two of my earliest traumas.

My father was trying to teach me how to tell time.  As my father repositioned the hands of the clock and I answered wrong, he knocked me with his strong fist on my forehead.  I cried each time and couldn’t wait for my lesson to end.  Though he didn’t criticize  me, I was still wounded with shame that I couldn’t understand how time worked.

Years later, when I was about twelve another devastating incident forever solidified my fearful temperament. My six-year-old sister was running around the house noisily and my mother exploded in a rage.  She lunged towards my little sister and  pushed her to the floor. I  screamed hysterically as she was stomping on my little sisters legs.

“Mommy, “Mommy, please, stop!”

I grabbed my little sister and dragged her to my room, where I tried to comfort her.  From that point on, I became easily nauseated every time I sensed my mother’s mood was  darkening.

When my father enrolled us in Catholic school, my younger sister and I had a  ten block trip each morning. A few times, bully girls from the bad side of town, saw us, circled us and asked us what we were doing in their neighborhood.

“Weird-looking, half-white bitches, get outta here,” they spat and kicked us hard in our rear ends. We hurried to school tearfully and when we got home to tell our mother, she just scorned us. “What do you want me to do about it? Tell your father.”

My fear of angry, disapproving people continued to establish itself, but one thing for sure, I was very creative. I learned to sew very well by watching my mother and designed beautiful costumes. Teachers also complimented me about my illustrating talent. I could draw anything. My first love though, was fashion and I made beautiful paper dolls with outfits of their native land. My mother wasn’t impressed though, for one night, while the family watched the Osmond brothers perform on the Ed Sullivan show, she looked at us with disgust, “Look at those talented boys…and all I have are stupid bums who play with paper dolls.” Her words stung like a bee bite and all of us realized we could never be able to please her, no matter what we did.

Another  memory  that shamed me happened on my first day attending seventh grade art class. I had transferred from Catholic school and was the new kid.  Difficult as it was to transition from being the teacher’s pet and having adoring friends, I focused on my creativity.

That day, my classmates were immersed in a painting project. As I admired my handiwork, a tall, dark-skinned girl stood over me with a piece of black construction paper. Her coal-black eyes, glittered as she sneered as I looked into her eyes. I sensed she did not like me and my stomach lurched with anxiety.

“You see this,  here?”she hissed with disdain, “You are as black as this paper and don’t you ever forget it'”

Her utter scorn for me took me by such surprise that I was never the same. From that day forward, I’d questioned my worth and wondered did I deserve to take space on the earth.

My parents relationship got worse as I entered high school. The tension was  unbearable as my sisters and I heard my parents yelling and belittling each other nightly. I doubted my moms sanity as she threatened to call DYFS, (Division of Youth and Family Services) on the grounds that daddy and I were severely disturbed! Ddaddy moved out and soon after, a social worker came by one day to pick my younger sister who was sixteen months younger than me for placement in a foster home.  A few months later, six months before graduation, my mother called the police on me and I was ordered out of the house. My whole life was unraveling before my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it.

Anxiety, fear and self-loathing followed  me through high school. Though I managed to graduate, I knew that I had so much more potential.  All the tremendous stress, rejection and hostility of my life squelched my desires to be a professional musician and fashion designer. I grew restless and depressed and over ate bread and pasta.  When I put on ten pounds, mostly in my hips and thighs, I despised myself even more. I developed a shame complex to the point of my heart skipping a beat anytime women (or men) stared at my shape or  gazed into my features.  I often wondered what was wrong with me that I was so disrespected and scorned.

I managed to find  some gainful employment, but found few encouraging connections with the women.  Usually the urban women would stare at my backside and laugh behind my back.  I read an article in a fashion magazine about some college women controlling their weight through vomiting, so I tried it after my starvation diets  made me weak and desperate. Some of us don’t like to admit such a thing, but coming out of the closet will help some precious young girl or woman heal from abuse.

By 1981, I was a desperate sad human being.  But God knew I was ready for a change!

I settled into a rut, sharing my apartment with my best friend and room-mate.  Our only excitement was  hustling pool games at the Race Place, with our favorite handsome pool aficionados every week-end.  We befriended a nice guy who always preached about Jesus. Every week, he’s asked us, “When are you gonna get saved?”

We laughed and said, “Soon.”

After graduation, my room-mate went our separate ways and lost touch.  One week-end, I went back to visit the Race Place and bumped into Billy. He invited me to his church.

That night Billy picked me up, he explained that church would be a little different that what I would expect at a Catholic mass.

To this day, I’ll always remember my first experience at a Holy Ghost, Pentecostal, foot-stomping’ church service that scared the  life out of me.  Billy was right, my stoic Catholic worship experience didn’t quite prepare me for my first evening at Pastor Fox’s service.

The former marine, with the Jesus tattoo adorning his huge biceps and southern drawl  made me tremble with fear. He slammed his fist on his wooden pulpit and screamed, “If you die tonight…are you gonna go to heaven….or hell?” His glittering black eyes bore into my soul. My head was bowed down as I timidly tip-toed to the front of the room. I said the “sinners prayer” and became born-again that night.

I must admit, it was a bumpy start, but after I got accustomed to the hooting and hollering and the special connections I made with my sisters and brothers, I settled in. For the first time in my life, I felt part of an accepting and loving family. I felt more secure. Several of the sisters were musical and invited me to be part of their music ministry to the areas nursing home patients. I was exhilarated singing three-part harmony with the church twins.  I was blooming like a rose and it seemed all the shame of my past disappeared. My life was so full and exciting, I had no interest in eating carbs. I soon lost fifteen pounds and was  delighted with my very slim shape.  So what happened?

A year into being a part of my new spiritual family, a church sister called me one afternoon to tell me that our pastor was in jail for child molestation of several children in our congregation. Our assistant pastor also charged him with adulterous relationships with several women and he was involved with  one of the twenty year old men. I was shell-shocked for a week. I loved and trusted my pastor. I couldn’t believe that while he preached holiness he was making love to a young man who himself bragged about staying pure until he married!

The devil must have had it out for me and/or God may have  groomed these traumatic incidents  I didn’t know. Something had to give.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion and how Jesus Christ intervened to begin transforming and establishing me to be His glorious workmanship. You’ll be amazed at the myriad  more trials that I had to endure before I finally became the spiritual Pit-bull I am today!

God bless you and if you’re in an abusive relationship, think about taking Jesus’ hand and letting Him heal you!

IT’S a HACKING AFFAIR


No weapon formed against me shall prosper

Journal Entry, Tuesday, December 27, 2011

It’s been a horrendous week-end, stressful beyond belief. Why? A pitiful human  being with nothing better to do with his life,  decided to cause utter chaos. Or at least he thought he would rock my spiritual boat.

Little does he/they know that although they plundered my Verizon account  and then went to my Hotmail account, changed my  email address and locked me out, I’m still standing and fighting the good fight.

These people are pitiful. What goes through their minds as they wipe out peoples emails, folders and other important online materials. I had folders and  more folders in both accounts. Special emails, receipts from my online booking agency payments, artwork, links that I’d researched for Cancer and Dystonia, music MP3s. What make these people delight in hacking an account?

Upon Googling info on hackers, I’d found many people suffering from this modern scourge disease. Pitiful people. Directionless, angry,  destructive. What causes them to do such a thing and take pleasure in it?!

The hacking of my accounts and being locked out from even the latest makes me kind of nervous that someone is hell-bent on causing me utter sorrow and unrest.

I have news for you, hacker, you have not won!!

I am a child of God and He saw what you did. My Bible says that my heavenly Fathers says, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay” saith the Lord.

I lay awake the night before Christmas, thinking to myself what a miserable Christmas. The worse I’ve ever had. While everyone is enjoying their family, sitting around a Christmas tree and eating treats, all my 8 years of work researching health/holistic and  medical subjects is gone. As well as my beautiful emails from friends encouraging me as I struggle to recuperate from this Dystonia nightmare. All my artwork, writings, lyrics, poetry and music MP3s …gone!

All my private stuff has been violated. I have never experienced such a violation.  Quite a different one from being bullied in school and abused by a lover or ex husband. Why did my heavenly father allow this horrendous nightmare to happen to me while I’m still trying to recover from the 24/7 seizures? Every night, I declare out loud that no weapon formed against my husband, house, pets, property, bank accounts, websites family shall prosper.

Imagine waking up and getting two messages from friends who rarely call. They say they got a strange email. Then you go  to check your emails and find your account VOID of ALL correspondence!  I was shell-shocked, I must admit. I sat sobbing hysterically for 20 minutes and then called my spiritual mom for prayer. Her powerful prayer did comfort me a bit. Then straight to my Prayer Warriors Group on Face book.  I let everyone know what happened and asked for their prayers.

A dear asked me where was I? He had fallen  for the crooks email, ( that stated I’d gotten mugged in London and had no money or credit cards). My friend came to my aid and wired his savings!  Ooh , la, la is all I can say.

Verizon support was worthless and a waste of time. Forget about HOTMAIL. no support or phone number at all. The next day, I wondered and asked my Heavenly father, “What good could possibly come out of this cruel and cold-hearted violation?

I spent the whole Christmas week-end ill at ease and sick to my stomach.

Fast-forward Tuesday, December 27, I discover my You-Tube channel has also ben hacked and all my emails, subscriptions etc are GONE! I guess this person/persons didn’t have enough fun with me.

Honestly, I know that my nemesis,is very threatened by me.  Hubby Mark and I support our dear Pastor Ray and his internet radio broadcast  ministry, www. hiaradio.com. Pastor Ray is a whistle-blower and a Watchman on the wall. He is speaking God’s message to prepare His people for what its to come. It’s all a strategic attack .

So…the message to you hackers, …God loves you. I am NOT defeated and  you have not dampened my love for God. I forgive you and pray that you will come to repentance and accept what Christ has done for you on Calvary. He will reveal the awesome plan for your life and you’ll have no reason to hack people’s accounts just for the fun of it. God will give you so much more relevant and inspiring work to do. you’ll see that your hacking has been vanity and foolishness.  My God is bigger than your hacking fiasco of my accounts and my internet treasures because these temporary and tangible losses are NOT worthy to be compared to the eternal rewards that My Heavenly father has set aside for me in the  afterlife. My god is a mighty fortress. You meant it for evil, but he will bring it fruitful for good! That is my Heavenly father. He is good!

So, you have lost!

MARCHING TO THE BEAT OF A DIFFERENT DRUM


Part One

Journal Entry, November 22, 2011

Since that bold day of reckoning as a thirteen year old, galumphing up the short stairway onto the bus in silver platform boots, I was declaring that I was not like all the other straight-haired, alabaster-skinned and bell-bottomed pretty girls attending Monmouth regional high school.  Though many saw me as a nondescript mixed girl with long curly hair, cafe-au-lait skin and a downward, shy gaze. I possessed a powerful imagination where I often retreated to find shelter from the alienation of being unnoticed. The pretty white girls always were laughing and surrounded by the cool, cute guys. I longed to be like one of them.

And so, I designed trendy, colorful fashions, composed my poetry and daydreamed that one day I’d be surrounded by a bevy of admiring, important VIPs and was sought after for my skills.

My mother’s lady friend bought over a bag of used clothing filled treasures that I  claimed as my own, two pairs of size 7 bell-bottoms,  stretcher  tops and the brand new silver  platform boots. I was going to wear them and prove I was brave and unique.  My heart beat as the bus stopped for my sister and I and I prayed I wouldn’t trip as I made my way up the stairs to my seat near the front.

I was never the same after that day. All the pretty, long-haired popular girls who sat at the  rear of the bus giggled and stared at my feet. Though I was shaking in my boots, I made my point. I was going to be different and never again be ashamed of who I was.

Now the other kids would see that I wasn’t a shy, bi-racial geek. Thus began my life-long struggle to be accepted and cherished

My journey to wholeness took over three decades and opened my heart and mind to the many injustices and inequalities that plagued society, but especially creative and “different” girls and women. I’m still trying to figure out why we women are still not taken as seriously as men, but I do know that I’ve  had my share of men who were not enamored by my free-spiriedness and passion to create non-conventional art and music.

Perhaps because of being of mixed ancestry, I loved merging opposing and unique  components and this creative tendency brought out some very interesting creations.

I was also famished for any  non mainstream knowledge and information to better the world around me and change perceptions of people who generally  thought the same way.  I kept looking upward, listening to that still, small voice and understanding some very highly advance ways of doing things.

I wanted to gather all things healing empowering and beautiful and force people to taste and see how good they were, but realized that receiving, applying and understanding them was a difficult endeavor. I lived in a fast-paced and materialistic society and people were not excited about waiting for results.

Continuing my quest to understand the societal chaos that has resulted from this micro-wave  mentality, I trudge seeking to be emotionally and spiritually transformed in my thinking and perception in the hopes that some I connect with in my travels will listen and heed.

People who march to the beat of a different drum seem to always be greatly misunderstood and maligned.  They have to suffer great loneliness and criticism from others who, rather than barnstorm and share ideas,  ignore, mock or attack.  Some are inwardly jealous to see the freedom and joy of those who aspire to living creative, exceptional and fulfilling lives. Some are fearful that they don’t have the courage to step out in faith and freedom and others are hateful and attack viciously.

I see our materialistic society, addicted to cold technology  as fast losing  its soul, divine potential and beauty.  I belong to a dying breed, but I vow to live a transparent and unfettered  life which offers life, healing and inward transformation.  My calling has brought me to some unimaginable places of the heart and soul, but often it’s like pushing against a massive boulder. I’ve worn myself out in the process, but this passion to attain the spiritually expansive has led me to venturing to steep cliffs. there, I free-fall into the cavernous expanse of an unfathomable God who has revealed to me hidden treasures of the heart and soul.

That  is why I write the songs I write, sing the songs I sing and believe in a God who most do not, (or refuse to) see. It has been a very lonely existence, but that inner voice within me would have it no other way.  I must write about suffering and sorrow, loss and hope, dying and being resurrected. I f I have not hope, I have nothing.

My journey encompasses all the groanings and celebrations of one not ashamed to reveal the ugliness and shame of the unredeemed, but  also the glories of one willing to submit to the soul surgery by the Creator of the universe. In only this I can relish my existence. It is this hope that I continue to forge forward in transparency as I express the devastation of those caught in bondage and suffering. You will not find your destiny in your Blackberry, I-pod or Facebook games.  Modern technology has beguiled you and trapped you in her vise. Can you ever escape? I doubt it, unless you delve into your humanity deeply, daily and seriously. Death is not the ending of physical life, but the squelching constricting of a mind devoid of empathy, natural beauty and hope.

This is a dying world, but there are still some dinosaurs who are still resilient and willing to stand amidst the machine gun fire.

I hope some will listen as I share this precious gift with the few willing to humble themselves of themselves. Truths’ obscure whisper  can still be heard despite all the clamor going on. I will continue to write my  poems, lyrics and essays in the hopes that darkened, jealous, greedy and bitter minds be illuminated.

Please listen. Truth is calling.

NO BETTER THAN VERMIN


Genocide, a word few want to envision at least not in their own country.

Each time I hear about another nation in the throes of genocide, I grieve that leaders of the developed nations have still not yet found a solution to this barbaric slaughter. Many still act as if it doesn’t exist.

“The”Attack of Darfur,”  like “Hotel Rwanda” and Schindlers List stirred me to do more than just grieve and complain.  The three movie were well made,  powerful and devastatingly provocative.   I realize I must do something about genocide.

These types of movies draw me into the terror,  hopelessness and cruelty the victims of genocide  suffer.  Most of us rarely do anything about an injustice until it happens to us personally.  I could only imagine the shell-shock of the victims as they saw their nemisis coming their way.  One by one, day by day  the people of the towns and villages were ambushed and overpowered by the machete-wielding marauders..

I wonder what God thinks as this happens. Does His holy angels and His people care? I wonder why the UN and the United States and all the developed Nations hesitated to unite and stop all of the atrocities.  Did any nations care to protest or intervene?

I never sleep after seeing any movies of such devastating consequences and especially the cruel slaughter of human beings as if they were no better than vermin.  Why was Genocide still happening and when would people start paying attention and doing something to end it once and for all?

My husband Mark and I went to hear  Elie Wiesel, Nobel Laureate and Holocaust survivor, speak at Congregation Torat El, 301 Monmouth Road, Oakhurst on Sunday, September 18 at 7 p.m. The soft-spoken man addressed us with humility, but with such emotional persuasion regarding the most  devastating experience he could endure as a young boy in a concentration camp.  He lost his mother, father and three sisters at the hands of the Nazis. As he addressed the audience, in almost a whisper at times  I thought all his  humiliation and pain he suffered being all in vain. Antisemitism was growing again against Jews all over the world. I dreaded that such a thing could happen to elderly holocaust survivors. Hadn’t they suffered enough already?

So many feeling and questions and wondering where are the impassioned to stop the continuing massacres? Would justice ever established? Why weren’t the perpetrators punished for their crimes and when?

Raphael Lempkin was one such man who could not stay silent about the rampaging evil. He was a Polish lawyer who held a  European Law doctorate.  Raphael had a humble background, his father being a farmer, but his mother was a highly intellectual woman who a linguist, painter and philosophy student.  As a youngster, he mastered ten languages, including French, Spanish, Hebrew, Yiddish and Russian.

As a young man, Raphael was responsible for coining the term in 1943 genocide from two words, the Greek, Genos (family, tribe or race and the Latin cide, (killing). His impassioned advocacy for Genocide came from learning about the Armenians being massacred in Iraq in 1933. He later became very involved with his work regarding international law relating to group exterminations.

Thank God for passionate journalists and human rights advocates who refuse to be apathetic and stay silent about the atrocity of ethnic cleansing. Genocide will not end by itself. It will take a massive  and coordinated effort of many.

Surely we will not be alarmed enough to take action unless it occurs close to home. One powerful scene in “Attack on Darfur” was when one of the male journalists could not  just leave the people of the village they had just visited.  He knew he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t make some effort to stop the impending slaughter. As the other journalists tried to stop him, he asked,

“What if it were your wife and children back there? What would you do?”

That is the question. What if it were our spouses, children or parents? We Americans live in safety, with police protection at our beck and call.

Another compassionate and brave women opposing Genocide is Natasa Kandic. The sociologist, turned Human Rights Advocate presented a devastating video both to  tribunal prosecutors and the world. She gave them a brazen glimpse into the barbaric world of the ethnic cleansing. I believe all of us should get a good dose of these types of footage so we are not numbed by our own comfort. I pray that compassionate folks around the world take a good look at Genocide and realize…it could happen to us. We must not allow our TV and computers to lull us into a false world of apathy and  nonchalance about suffering people across the globe.

God has created each and every unique person to enjoy dignity and the right to life.

Why don’t we think about it. Rise up as an enlightened people and begin stopping Genocide today.