NEAR to the BROKEN-HEARTED


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The weight was becoming so crushing that Barbara could barely  breath

I got off of my tread mill, at the telephones’ ringing and heard my precious sister Barbara’s voice, weak with grief.  She was grieving for her son, Adam and it was a very difficult time for her. I was grateful to be  available for her and listened as she poured out her heart to me. Feelings of protectiveness came over me like a mother bear seeing her cub being threatened.  I knew the enmey was trying to drag her backwards into the depths of bondage.  I waited for Holy Spirit to download instruction on how to minister to her.

I felt a very heavy burden of anguish and then I asked her to rest and be still because I was going to release a song over her. The inspiration of lyrics came to me the past Saturday because of a burden for my three younger sisters who were are battling weights from their past. As I was checking my emails, I saw a dear prophetic brother who wrote that Holy Spirit had told him I was going to write another song. I grabbed my pen and within 5 minutes I wrote  “Enter My Rest” Holy Spirit reminded me  of  Hebrews 4:11Let us therefore strive to enter into His rest.

I could feel a spiritual tug of war going on with Barbra, but I told her I felt to sing Shalom over her. the new song,  Enter my Rest and Beautiful Daughter. Holy Spirit was showing me that Abba wanted her to  let go of all the weights..and rest in him. Then He showed me a performance anxiety spirit was pulling her. So we prayed together against the spirit.    I saw that we indeed were in a tug of war. Yashuah Jesus, Barbara and I were on one side of the  rope and the  demonic spirits at the other end. We continued to pray and we took authority over the spirits. .

As we were waging warfare,  standing firm, we felt the noose was loosening. Barbara prayed and then started singing Hallelujah, we sing hallelujah. I joined in and we were singeing prophetically.

hallelujah. We sing hallelujah,  We sing hallelujah to our King

You release us to the skies, cause we are butterflies.

We are soaring into glory.. He releases us into the skies

We soar on weightless wings and look into our Father eyes,

All of a sudden, Barbara laughed and she was light with exhilaration. Father helped her to break through. It was so delightful, she suddenly burst out that she saw a vision of millions of Monarch butterflies being released. WOW! was all I could say!

Truly, Barbara’s received a glorious breakthrough and fresh  anointing of her ability to see visions. We were enthralled at the fresh unction of confidence and strength Father had given her and we marveled at how Father is so near His children when they are broken-hearted.

During my prayer over Barbara, I also  reminded her  that Yashuah had already set a banquet table for us to dine on His exquisite delicacies of mercy and grace, among many others.  Though He invites us and often we come in shabby clothes and   broken as paupers, he garbs us in  pure white wedding gowns, spotless in His blood.  Sister Barbara and all my precious brothers and sisters, let us fall back into His hammock of love after you have confessed your sins and weaknesses! Release and rest!

“Enter My Rest” Holy Spirit reminds us in  Hebrews 4:11.  Let us therefore strive to enter into His rest. For some of us, we may need to ask God’s help to discipline ourselves from the stringent bondage of work and striving. God is faithful..He hears our cries and will surely help!

WRONG CHORD, WRONG PEOPLE


Miles Davis is one of the greatest Jazz  trumpeters-composers of all time, but this blog is not so much about Mile’s transcendent talent as it is his keen insight, intuition and sensitivity.

For me to appreciate Jazz and be so influence by this eclectic and sometimes complicated genre of music, is a true testimony to God’s desire to give good gifts to his children. I had no musicians in my family, but as a young girl, I had an uncanny gift to be able to know harmony. I loved to sing but had no idea I would have such a love of composing, experimenting with chords and playing my guitar quite many years later. So this jazz thing continues to compel me and my appetite for the scrumptious diminished, flatted fifths and major/minor chords teased my ear. My jazz artistry really grew, working with the incredible Calabrese brothers David and Michael.

Jazz became more and more a part of me and even though I was nursed on rock.  As lead vocalist, fronting my first Christian hard rock band, The Promise with lead guitarist, Chris Durante, I wanted to fuse the complex, sophisticated chords of Jazz with the power of Rock. Chris happened to be on the same wavelength as I and we composed many enduring collaborations whcih fused hard rock with Blues and jazz, thanks to jazz drummer. Tom Hill. When I learned the guitar, the sky was the limit for me and I wrote my first jazz song a month after learning the guitar!

God must have created me to be a jazz girl because the more my ear yearned for the gorgeous, unconventionality of Jazz, my appetite was continued quenched by fining jazz artist on the wonderful Christian music network, Indie heaven, founded by Keith Mohr. At Indie heaven, independent Christian artists could network and find a platform for their music.  being  jkazz-0folk female singer-songwriter, I connected with two of Indie heaven’s amazing Jazz ladies, Celeste Talley,  a sweet songbird crooner and Kerensa Grey, whose sultry, thick ,molasses voice that set all the dudes at ease. We had our prime star Drew Davidson, making a big name for himself all over the east coast.

Though it’s been hard to find a place for my Joni-Mitchelly voice and guitar style, I expect to find my niche…some day

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And today, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kerensa’s post last year. Out of the blue, I remembered being so struck by Mile’s Davis band member sharing his experience of playing a wrong chord. Amazingly, through the myriads of old posts, I landed on that video.It really blew my mind when the player said Miles didn’t even lose his composure or make a face (like some of my past band mates would yell, belittle and deride our bandmate who played a sour chord, or lost there place in the song)  He improvised his chords,  making them fit with the off chord! That is genus.

Now, isn’t that so like our God, Our heavenly father who is the Jazz King. He never gets disgusted with us if we made a mistake, disrupts His plans or  veer of the road. As we abide in His leadership as our Leader of the band, he somehow works around our wrong chord!

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Miles Davis’ band mate learned not just an astounding music lesson that day, but a life lesson. He was blessed to sit under a gracious leader. May we who are uptight, scrutinizing and demanding of others remember that when we cover each others weaknesses, we make ourselves look gracious. It is guaranteed that everyone of us has been or will do something that looks like an idiot. My desire is to so see people as my brothers and sisters who,  like me, have praiseworthy things to find and focus on and not the bad first impression whcih stays cemented in someone’s mind. I know one thing, I will never forget this video and plan to adapt the gracious, forgiving leadership style of Miles Davis as my musical and life pattern !

THE GLORY OF KOINONIA, Part 2


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This week-end, my husband , Mark, struck up a conversation with a cook who was preparing his order. During the conversation, the pleasant young man remarked how he didn’t like the situation with the cooking oil that fried the pork also mingled with the other fried foods. He told Mark that his faith, Islam, prohibited the eating of pork. When the young man went outside for a cigarette break, Mark pointed out that he was concerned about defiling his body, yet he smoked. Then he shared about his Christian faith and his stance on dietary commandments. Then Jason told Mark he used to be a Christian.

A Facebook friend asked for prayer on her Facebook page. She was devastated about her boyfriend’s best friend committing suicide. She shared how wonderful and gifted he was and everyone’s shock about the shocking tragedy. As I basked in the warm sun, my heart suddenly ached for all the precious people who thought ending their life was the only way to end their torment. Even Christins were suicidal and I wondered what the missing link was.

Two other Christian brothers were also enduring a season of “disconnectness”.I continued to think about the various states of human emotion, embracing of life connection. The exquisite bed of soft solitude allowed me to even more deeply empathize with the emotion of alienation. I wondered what catalysts caused such separation in the spirit that ne would end their life. I continued to open my spirit to Holy Spirit for more understanding and insight. I thought of the Beatle’s Eleanor Rigby, John Lennona and Paul McCartney merely scratched the surface.

My thoughts went to a few relationships in my own life which had been severed suddenly by the other person. I felt very sad, having done all I could to reach out in love with a gifts and words of love. In both cases, the other person was a continual talker and most of the conversation was from their viewpoint. I must admit my weakness in not enjoying long, mostly one-sided long discourses . These people are insightful and intelligent, but their inability to venture out of themselves makes intimacy (and the continuation of the realtionship) difficult. Being so challenged with the TMJ- jaw-Dystonia issue, I need to limit my speaking. But if I am inspired by the equality and graciousness of the conversation, (not consisting extraneous verbiage and long-winded rambling). It can be draining and not edifying. And usually when the person talks for son long, I usually forget what I wanted to say!

Stimulation and inspiring conversationalist are rare. As I’ve often mentioned in many of my blogs and teachings walking in God’s excellence encompasses every aspect of life, particularly communicating and relationships. I believe poor communication, (with God and with each other) skills and self-centeredness is one great cause of sickness.

Stimulation and inspiring conversationalist are rare. As I’ve often mentioned in many of my blogs and teachings walking in God’s excellence encompasses every aspect of life, particularly communicating and relationships. I believe poor communication, (with God and with each other) skills and self-centeredness is one great cause of sickness.

God ordained marriage and family for His glory and companionship Today, dependence on technology, (whoever instantaneous and far-reaching) has caused a great deficiency and quality of substance. Some keep in touch through emailing and texting, but there is truly nothing as fulfilling and nurturing as one on one, face to face contact.

Koinonia, (intimate fellowship) is a very fragile and complicated skill-attribute which can only be nourished by Holy Spirit. Koinonia is more than socializing, fellow shipping or hanging out. Koinonia is an unselfish desire to reach out with genuine interest and passion . It is also humbling ones own superiority in favor of allowing another to freely express himself.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or empty pride, but in humility consider others more important than yourselves. Pual wrote in Phil 2:4 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

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Koinonia, intimacy, is a very fragile and complicated skill which can only be nourished by Holy Spirit. Koinonia is more than socializing, fellow shipping or hanging out. Koinonia is an unselfish desire to humble ones own self in favor of allowing another to freely express himself. My prayer is that this precious revelation Holy Spirit gave me today, will will more illuminate the all in the body of Christ!

The Bible describes a special relationship between David and Jonathan in I Sam. 18:1 .

The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

Do we love each other as our own souls, or do we just tolerate each other. If an experienced elder gives us advice, are we resentful of offended> Do we disdain those who are not as intelligent or educated as us? Do we even go as far to severe a  connection because of an irreconcilable difference? There are times to separate, (if the difference is spiritually or emotionally wounding) and minister from afar if there are urgent physical needs. We should keep in mind the urgency of staying together in these very dark times. The government and the non-believing world will not be the shelter when disaster hits! It is the haven of the body of Christ which will be the safe place.

Since every child of God, is adopted into the royal family, we are all called to unity Eph 4:12

The following verses are some of the most sobering verses in the Bible regarding our quality of stewardship and collectively participating with the building of God’s house!

1 Cor 3 11-15 For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ. 12 Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble; 13 Every man’s work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man’s work of what sort it is.14 If any man’s work abide which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a reward.15 If any man’s work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss: but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire.

The bottom line, I ask holy Spirit daily, am I building up Father’s house or…am I tearing it down? God’s plan is to equip the saints for works of ministry, to build up the body of Christ, When God’s people start empathizing and show genuine interest in each other, we won’t feel, unloved, isolated and rejected. We will find purpose, joy and fulfillment in family, marriage and our love walk with God.

Heavenly Father, please pour you sweet Holy Spirit in even more glorious ways upon your body. So many lonely people are isolated, misunderstood and disregarded. Each one of us is special, fashioned by your won majestic hands, Father, let us continually forgive and let those who who hurt or offend us, also consider and ask forgiveness, so your family can be the LIGHT of the world You called her to be. Father mend the broken hearts in all of us and help us to be honest with You first and then with each other. Help us to take the lower seat, to get out of ourselves and to be interested in the interests of others! That will be a connective bond to draw us closer. Let us all, realize that none of us knows everything and if we humble ourselves and calls ourselves students of life, we will enjoy the wonderful of friendship and Koinonia. In Jesus name, amen.

God bless you beloved and may this post bring you into growth!

About Daughters


Pre adolecent and adolescent can be fragile  beings, driving their parents and especially fathers almost to the nuthouse. I’m a grown woman now and have weathered many family  tragedies, (including the latest, the death of my beloved Papito and my mother’s sudden plummet into Dementia…all within three months).

Today, I was very fragile and distressed, thinking about how the lack of listening with the heart has led many marriages and families to fragment. I cried out to Father for strength to make sense of the relationships in my life and realized I hadn’t read a wonderful letter from Pastor Jeff Lane, from CTN’s  call in prayer network America’s Prayer Meeting from 12;30 to 3:30 am. One sentience leaped out at me. ” My freind, you have been hurt, mistreated and unfairly judged.”  A torrent of tears burst from my eyes. Pastor Jeff’s letter continued. Blessed are the pure in heart.. in other words, blessed are those whose hearts have been cleansed from the bitterness of the world.

My issue has been being greatly wounded and traumatized by those closest to me or those who are supposed to be  my inner circle. When these are emotionally close-hearted or refused to listen and understand my weakness or person, it can be an area like  an unhealed sore. So Pastor Jeff’s  words were spot on and I asked Father to continually bless and forgive my friends who have unfairly refused to hear me out.

I hadn’t expected to compose a blog today, but  Holy Spirit used this deep, inner hurt to issue to explore this necessity of allowing heart felt communication and understanding to flow, particularity between fathers and daughters. My thoughts went back to challenging times in my father’s life where he didn’t have the support of my mother. He always turned to me, ( as his firstborn daughter). Deep down, he’d wanted his firstborn to be a son and so he never allowed my female gender to stop him from teaching me “male” attributives of leadership, discipline, resourcefulness and high education. I graciously respected and received his  guidance and all, except his insistence that we not express our frailties and emotions.

Having taken many years to heal from Papito’s demand that we never cry, all of my sisters and I paid a heavy price and the results were damaging and devastating in many ways, particularity our serious health issues. As I continue to ask Holy Spirit for the grace and healing, wisdom in understanding the psyche, (in this case, the female adolescent psyche) I hope fathers, (and mothers)  humble themselves in asking  Holy Spirit how to raise confident, androgynous, aspiring  and relaxed young women.

I’m no expert on raising great families or on having the ideal marriage, but I can definitely share what  will weaken or destroy the fiber of a marriage or family.

I’m still sorting out my feelings about my beloved father, Papito Teofilo Ferrer Cepeda, (daddy wore the name of both his mother and father proudly). His mother was a spiritually, disciplined and fiery half Latino-half  Indian who was no-nonsense, educated and taught her children well regarding self-sufficiency and excellence. When her husband, (my grandfather, Valentine) contracted a serious lung ailment, she took on the responsibility of raising nine children on her own and running her farm!

Last year, when I received a phone call from my younger,  physically-challenged sister that we needed to visit daddy in the hospital, I was shocked that yet again, there was a possibility of losing my beloved mentor. As the elevator doors opened to reveal that Mark and I were on the oncology ward of the hospital, my  heart skipped a beat. My mouth dropped open as I saw a skeletal Papito half-covered in his bed. His voice was barely audible as I took my guitar from out of its case to sing his favorite Spanish ballad, Eres Tu. I sang Amazing Grace and then my youngest sister Margarita, entered the room,  holding on to her beaus arm. Like me, she battled a neurological disorder. Hers was MS, (Multiple Sclerosis).  It was surreal, as I asked Mark to pray with my father so I could ask the nurses what was going on with him. A lovely young nurse raved about how charming and non-complaining my father was. She had never seen anyone suffering from such painful throat cancer as Teo! I started to weep, wondering what emotional ghost had brought him to this point. Even now as I write this blog, my prayer is that spouses and families will not make the same mistakes as mine.

Papito’s second wife, my step-mother was not present during my sister and my visit. I couldn’t make sense of the fact that he was in a hospital,  a three-hour driving trip away. I would have preferred for him to have hospice care near all of us girls. I played my father’s two favorite songs at his funeral and though most were moved by my testimony of my relationship with him, I was left with unrequited sorrow and no explanation of why he died the way he did.

Having learned so much the past two decades regarding the relationship between unresolved grief, bitterness and resentment precipitating cancer and other  traumatic conditions, I deduce that spouses and families must allow each other to freely express themselves! When people are faced with a traumatic episode, the shock and grief is assuaged by empathetic and non-judgmental listening  and comforting.I believe most  cases of domestic violence, child abuse and even dysfunctional-strained relationships are  caused by the person not being listened to and understood.

In my father’s case, I beloved he died of a broken heart. My mother was staunchly unsupportive of my father’s dreams and endeavors and my step-mother  had a very strong personality. Daddy preferred to keep the peace because he had developed such a fragile situation with his blood pressure over the years. Any conflict or argument would have sent him to the hospital. So, my father kept his disagreements to himself during his second marriage. I’m sure, his sorrow about his failings as a father during his and mom’s divorce and the inability to  protect his adolescent daughters was an unhealed wound.  I reckon that at least  he may have fondly remembered his dependence on us when all four of us girls helped him renovate the old, dilapidated farm  house on Shafto Road.

Honestly, that wasn’t a memorable time for me as I was suddenly transferred from a wonderful catholic school where I thrived, to a public school where I became the outcast and was bullied daily. I was not allowed to speak about my terror of the three bully girls who made me feel like dirt. I endured many painful things duirng my high school years. My sisters and I did not have the freedom to express any negative things that troubled us and thus we learned to shut up and stuff it. Anyway, what kid has the  permission to voice how miserable they are with a strong or domineering father obsessed by his dream? Many families (and many marriages) today are fragmented and dysfunctional because of lack of honesty and empathy.

Looking back, I want to bravely share my thoughts on reading a diary as a fifteen year old. My love and devotion for my father since being born-again in 1982 has always been endearing and I was shocked to read the many  turbulent and devastated emotions detailed in my journal entries.Two events in particular caused me to be ostracized for the rest of high school.My parents refused to buy me a razor to shave my legs. I was nick-named bear legs by the boys. My father also refused me to wear any blue jeans because he deduced them to be anti-establishment! So I had to wear my corny Catholic school, pleated knee length skirt and loafer shoes. My parents also never came to my defense when a large bully girl accosted me daily because I was of mixed heritage. It took decades for me to shed the skin of being unworthy and insufficient.

All this being shared, I long to see children and adolescents  soaring into their  divine destiny, their parents being well-equipped to empathetically nurture, (and appropriately discipline when needed) their kids. Children do not belong to parents. Parents are temporary stewards of God’s little people, who he is seeking to one day bless their destiny!

If my father were still alive today and asked me to honestly tell him what he could have changed about the way he raised me, this is the letter I would write to him as a grown and healing woman of God:

Dear Daddy!

Words cannot express the gratitude I have for the great things you’ve taught me. Thank you for the special times  I had with you as you taught me all about sign-painting and making silk screen templates for your job. Though I was skinny and had awful hay fever allergies and hating you taking Leslie and I to doctor Pfum to get twelve allergy shots twice a year in my arm, I was able to help you dig holes for the sign posts  Thank you for insisting that I not run the streets after boys because they would get me pregnant. Thank you for playing those amazing Spanish Flamenco albums. My love for all kinds of great music contributed to me being the eclectic and innovative composer I am today.

As a grown woman, I have truly appreciate all of who you are. You are such a charming, highly intelligent and gifted man. Thank you that even while you worked full time as a graphic designer for the US government, you earned your bachelors degree in political science so you could earn a better living for mommy and us girls!

My few regrets about our relationship was that you never allowed me to cry, to complain if I were exhausted. I would have loved for you to take seriously my greif and  shame at being half Puerto-Rican and half German, ( a weirdo and not accepted  as equal by the other kids). I also wished you had appreciated  and supported my talent in sewing, fashion design and creative writing and not say they are useless! Also, please respect that I have my own mind, I am a free spirit, (non-conformist) and  not interested in doing anything rebellious of crazy!  I know you have plans for me, but allow me to make my own choices:)  The  most painful rejection from you was when the two times I needed you most, you reneged.

When I was a boarder in the house of that alcoholic man and his blind wife and he tried to kick down my door and rape me. You said, “Be strong, honey, do the best you can.” You have no idea how that devastated me. And then when my fiance was emotionally stalking and traumatizing me and threatened me with death if I didn’t marry him. You wearily said to me,  “I’m sorry, honey. I can’t help you. I’m a sick man.”

I love you and forgive you and my Heavenly father has made right all the wrongs. I ask you to forgive me for anything I’ve hurt you with and please forgive yourself. Abba God has forgiven you, Papito.

Fathers (and mothers)..Healing and reconciliation comes from  looking deep inside yourself and remembering what you said, how you responded to your daughters cries, complaints and questions! Daughters are very complex and fragile beings, (with all these chemicals and hormonal changes). Please fathers, do your intense research early, before your little girl starts to show her womanhood. Old as I am, i am still my Papito’s little girl. I yearn every day for his hug and his “I love You, Anita.” Every day. I curse that demonic man-made tradition  men don’t cry or don’t your emotions! Pride is a killer and it’s terribly wounded and destroyed many relationships with their children. Thank you for allowing me to share about my relationship with my dear father and may you learn from his and my mistakes and help heal your relationship with your princess today!

Heavenly father, thank you for your unmerited and abundant wisdom which we have avail…if we humbly ask. Let there be healing in the fathers and daughters who read this testimony. Lord, help father to build bridges of compassion, tenderness and wisdom as they raise up, confident, trusting and joyous daughters. It’s not shameful for dads to make mistakes, but the three words, “I am Sorry” heals a multitudes of bitterness, resentment, shame and unforgiveness strongholds which could take decades to uproot in our daughters. From this day forward, Father, help us daughters to also appreciate our fathers and honor them so that our lives are long and prosperous. In Jesus name, amen

KOINONIA, The Glory of Unity


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The Koinonia, the gathering of the true saints of God, as depicted in the book of Acts, was one of the most glorious periods in the history of the early church.  Meeting together was not obligatory, but filled with the anticipation of intimate fellowship. No wonder saint Paul urged God’s people to not forsake the gathering together of believers. There is something very powerful about sitting face to face and eye to eye with our Christian brothers and sisters.  Our Heavenly father delights in the richness of our spiritual communion and Jesus said that where two or three joined together agreeing on anything in prayer, Father would be delighted to give it.

We often hear about lone rangers who prefer to live solitary lives perhaps because of having been hurt or betrayed in a past relationship. I tell them to expect that when crisis calls, you will need the help of others.

Fellow shipping with the saints, (Koinonia from the Greek), is the environment where we can sharpen our love walks.  In the midst of many personalities will be found opportunities to hone ourselves in the fruits of the spirit. As iron sharpens iron, so sharpen we each other. In the presence of many personalities we will find reasons for the number one fruit of the spirit to be in action.

There are not enough pastors who expound the necessity and richness of  abiding in true Christian Koinonia. to their flock.  Rewards abound regarding the growth process and seeing each others lives unfolds as the petals of a flower! Growing together and nurturing each other makes for powerful marriages, families and communities. There will always be hurt, rejection or misunderstandings when relating to others, but if we continue to be open and take risks emotionally, God will connect us with people who love and accept us unconditionally. All of us should aspire to  fine tune our love walks. If  the fruits of the spirit are not evident in our lives, something is wrong.

My unconventional outlook on life as artist-musician-journalist bursting with  spontaneity and vision had caused misunderstanding and miscommunication with a few friends who misunderstood my motive and heart. These broken relationship hurt deeply but Father God has been gracious in helping me develop a forgiving spirit. I learned the importance of  addressing my grief and disappointment and then moving on.No matter what good intentions we have,  we will always  have to deal with rejection or misunderstanding. We have to learn from our mistakes and move on. God has blessed me with a small circle of people who love me unconditionally, even if they do not understand where I’m coming from. Treat all relationships with tenderness and respect. We can learn from everyone, no matter what their background or age, and even little children can teach us amazing, deep things!

God always wants us to walk in forgiveness and understanding. Somewhere down the line, regardless of our best intentions, we too will hurt or disappoint our friends and loved ones.

The law of love is one the most important aspects of living in Christ and yet love sometimes can be the least important thing on our agenda. We live in such a fast-paced world that we depend on  the convenience of  technology to fill the gap of emptiness. It has instead numbed our need for human fellowship. We lose the ability to be sensitive, thoughtful and heaven-minded! Love must always reign in our hearts and motives and everyone, from the newbie babe in Christ to the oldest, mature bishop needs that one on one Koinonia.

One asked Jesus, “When did we feed you, give you water, clothe you or visit you in prison?” mat 25:37&38 Jesus answered that if we did it to the least, we have done it unto Him.  Thus, we are required to fill a need when we are suddenly presented with it.

God loves when we serve and give alms. Mat 19:@. The church is in a weak place today because of a lack of unity and a sincere desire to be in fellowship with each other.  Only by intimate connection with each other can we learn to cherish and nourish each other, not only with the material but also with the spiritual bread. Paul tells us in Eph.5:1 to live our lives as a fragrant offering.

When you are with another brother or sister, are they blessed and nourished by your presence or do you repel them?  Do we try to live peaceably with others or are we always debating or scrutinizing the small stuff, (grey areas of living our lives) ? Rom. 14:13 ? God has called us be humble and not to think of ourselves higher than others or to despise others who are weak or young in their faith. The fruit of love is patient kind, long-suffering

We can find all we need to know about love in 1 Corin.14. It doesn’t matter how many languages we are fluent in, how amazingly we prophesy or sing like an angel, if we love not we are nothing.
When Koinonia is operating, there is a spilling over, an overflow of love. Koinonia first begins when we humbly sit at the feet of our Abba Father. Sometimes, sitting at Father’s feet, first thing after I wake up,  my spirit soars acknowledging how much He loves me! I count my blessings and sing praises to Him.  You can’t help but be full of love and that loves flows out of yo as you rub elbows with those around you.

The killers of Koinonia are spirits of religion, gossip, envy, strife, bitterness and debate. We must carefully guard our hearts and our relationships so that God’s love can flourish. Blessed are the peacemakers for they are the children of God! Let us be wary of any spirit that divides and causes suspicion, so Father can bless our endeavors and soul-winning! Beware of suspicion, criticism or harshness. A thoughtful pause before a soft answers heals a multitude of otherwise  negative consequences. Correct  with a spirit of meekness. when we are rebuke, we should mete grace to ourselves. How often we take a correction or rebuke very harshly and condemn ourselves.

Koinonia also rejoices in all the supernatural gifts of the Spirit and is not fearful or offended by those who speak in other tongues or express themselves in the prophetic. Paul himself said, “I would like for every one of you to speak in tongues” 1 Cor 14:5

In these violent, self-centered and arrogant times, we more than ever need the power of the supernatural Holy Ghost. Only that dynamite power can  change and overcome the all-compassing evil of our enemy. It’s to the church’s and the world advantage that every child of God be so divinely equipped!

Kononia is truly one of the most glorious gift Father God endowed us with. When the Bride is walking in true love, they are walking in true unity and power. When laughter, joy, thankfulness and compassion flow, there is healing and victory!
Ask Father to connect you with vibrant believers today!

PEOPLE 101


I’ve finished reading “My Time In Heaven, A True Story of Dying and Coming Back” by Richard Sigmund. It is inspirational. timely and healing after having a major falling out with a person who I thought was a confidant. Betrayal, being misunderstand and falsely accused is never a pleasant experience, but I know that the sooner I “get over it,” the sooner I move forward in my life.I’m always refreshed after I’ve poured out my honest feelings to the Lord, forgiven and prayed for the person who hurt me.

From chapter to chapter, Richard shares his experiences in heaven and in the presence of God. There are unimaginable treasures in Heaven that God has meticulously crafted just for us. According to his book, nothing on earth could compare to such amazing perfection and joy! As a “people” person, I wished that everyone could read this book and feel compelled to reach out to Jesus Christ and to enjoy their eternal destiny with Him I

I came to Chapter 19, “The Other Place.” Jesus took Richard to hell. I couldn’t imagine the horrific demons, their torturing methods and the stench that would await those who have rejected the great sacrifice Jesus gave us on the cross. I stared to weep as he focused on a poor soul and his torment. I had to put the book down for a while, I wept so hard. It was difficult reading and even more painful to imagine torment was forever. I asked God to allow me to be share the Gospel salvation message with as many as I could. I also thanked Him allotted us a yet another tiny window of time to accomplish the urgent task of evangelizing more souls. I wondered why anyone wouldn’t do anything possible to avoid going there.The enormity of this reality and the after life continued to move my spirit to weeping. I know it breaks God’s heart to see so many of His precious creation go to a place never meant for them.

I took a break from reading the book, but continued pondering the afterlife. Jesus said, “Many or called, but few chosen.” I sadly marveled about evil, hatred and calamity enveloping America and the world. God reminded me that His people were to be the shining lights that bring healing to the nations! Many of His people are mean and condemning. Many have also back-slidden and left the fold because of brutish pastors and elders who spiritually abused or misunderstood them.

Jesus is the gentle shepherd who says, “Come to me, Ye who are heavy-laden and I will give you rest.” He was the greatest teacher, soul-sculptor and counselor. He hand-picked his disciples, patiently grooming them in His own special way. Do you want to know the secrets of “soul-sculpting”? Sit and listen at Jesus feet. Are you a pastor, an elder, a husband or father? Sit quietly at Jesus feet and learn of Him, for He is lowly and humble. Every servant-leader realizes that if he wants people to receive of him, He must be willing to be as a servant first!

Jesus hated hypocrisy and venomously rebuked the Pharisees. They loved to scrutinize and condemn…thus their tactics brought few into the kingdom. He scolded,

“The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. 3 So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. 4 They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.”
Mat 23 2-4

The amazing thing about the Jewish leaders were that they highly educated and memorized even the smallest issues of the law. They were intoxicated by their own self-importance and intellect. So are many modern Christians today. Instead of the lost being attracted to the Gospel, they are repelled. Many of today’s pastors, priests and Rabbi’s are no different that the Pharisees of old, who loved to control their converts. Their hearts were closed to what Holy Spirit has to say. When loves is omitted, the letter of the law kills…but the Spirit brings life. 2 Cor 3:6.

Follower or Christ, I’d run in the opposite direction if your pastor hammered you with restrictions of his own making and limitations not in the Bible. God allow you to think for yourself and question. Test the spirits. 1 Jn 4:1

Recently, the Lord allowed me to learn a new lesson. My health had taken a dive and I was desperate for relief. I was introduced to a highly skilled christian health practitioner who was adamant about 100% committment to her strict protocol. I was sent long letters with long lists of supplements and healing machines and costly herbs. I was already grappling with strained family relationships, caring for my house and husband. Our budget was strained with the cost of the ladies’ protocol. On list of my protocol had 29 things to do and eat! I felt very weighed down. progress was slow, but I felt better as the weeks went by. A few months later, she mailed me a ten-paged letter blasted me as being rebellious, disobedient and unthankful! I was so shocked, I had to fall on my face in deep prayer and seeking wisdom from the harsh words.

It took me about a week to address all the emotion in that letter. I took it to prayer and asked Father God what the lesson was. This Sunday, my pastor preached about what true freedom in christ was and the light came on! God was giving me a taste of what it’s like to be under spiritual bondage. I was depressed and entrapped by the law and walking under condemnation. Continuing in prayer and sharing the contents of the letter with other godly, wise women, I realized my relationship with this woman was not communicated in love, for Christ always calls us into loving correction and restoration.

This lesson was needful and worthy to be included with my other my other areas of expertise. I’ve mentored people from all walks of life. I’ve learned that people have deeply ingrained patterns of thinking, habits and mindsets modeled by dysfunctional parents, teachers, relatives and pastors. During Jesus’ ministry, he met many wounded and misunderstood people. Encountering them face to face, His goal was to set them at ease. He instantly knew their struggles, shame and hopelessness.

As we follow Jesus last directing to make disciples of all men, Are we attracting the lost to Father? I’ve heard many non believers say that Christians are mean. They preach one thing, yet do the opposite. In general, the unsaved are repelled by condemnation. Jesus said, “I’ve not come to condemn the world but to save it.”

Peter is our example of Jesus’ loving discipleship. Jesus responded to Peter’s impulsiveness and zeal with patience and guidance. As I recall the Peter/Jesus discourses. In one episode Jesus marvels at Peter’s willingness to step out of the boat and walk on water. In another, He rebuked Peter for wielding the sword to cut off the high priest’s servants ear.
The Lord reminds me of His patience with me as I minister to people He’s brought my way and will bring my way in the future.

As a youth counselor for Youth Advocate Program in Eatontown, NJ from 1989 to 1992, I mentored up to seven kids, (aged 8 to 17) from a variety of family crisis situations. One seventeen year old was Hispanic and lived at home with his mother, (who spoke no English) and his two younger sisters. Both of the girls were clinically depressed and their father was incarcerated. There was a great stronghold of depression in that house. Under my mentoring, this young man’s demeanor changed. I asked him to help me keep the kids in line and he flourished in that leadership capacity! I also remember God’s faithfulness with all seven kids kids safety and welfare while they rode with me. I gained great understanding and compassion and learned much about family dynamics and relationship order. The kids learned to honor, respect and help each other and it was amazing to see them connect regarding all the activities and workshops I planned for them. They knew I cared for them and I could feel their love for me! Looking back, I marvel gratefully, for God gifting me with the ability to so potential and greatness in all the kids.

Around the same time, I enjoyed a six month stint as a Behavior Modification counselor for Nutri-System Weight Loss centers. My clients were professional adults: policemen, professors, judges and CEOs who clamored to enroll in my crowded classes. My reputation preceded me. They’d heard the testimonies of previous clients’ weight-loss and lifestyle successes. I remember the passion and excitement I had each morning, getting ready for work. It was amazing that God gave me such a platform having just graduated from Brookdale Community College! I was humbled to positively influence, these financially successful, but unhealthy people. After only several weeks, our regional supervisor came from out-of-state to sit in on one of classes to see what the ado was about!
Though I wasn’t allowed to preach or mention Jesus, I was allowed freedom to bring my own creativity and victory stories to support the curriculum. The client was attentive and felt my interest and concern as they sought my guidance for their new, healthy lifestyle. I asked God everyday to bless my work and He answered many prayers. My main tool was connection by looking each person in the eye with love, gave many hugs and listened with my heart.

My boot camp of PEOPLE 101 continued several years later. Executive Director, Carolyn Eyerman and project Coordinator, Joan Hodum faced me during my interview for the position of Program Coordinator of a new ministry, (Love In the Name of Christ). The program would prepare single moms, dislocated and poor women returning to the work force from the welfare rolls. I’d also oversee a business clothing boutique and business mentoring outreach. I didn’t feel ready, (just coming out of another long illness) but obediently followed God’s leading to apply and accept the position. My six years at Love Inc, fine-tuned my people/mentoring skills for my present responsibilities as a an ordained minister/hospice councilor and worship leader. I also learned so much from the supportive staff members at Love Inc. They were always there for me and taught me all about walking in God’s love, power and guidance.

I don’t believe any pastor, leader or teacher should be in a position of leadership unless they have extensive experience with (“soul sculpting).” How can one truly mete out the divine love, patience and counseling Jesus gave unless one has truly spent time in the Lord’s presence and quality one on one time with people God sends? Sometimes broken hearts can be so deep, they have to be excavated.

Jesus said, “As many as I love I rebuke and chasten, be zealous therefor and repent” Rev 3:19 True discipleship must be balanced by Holy Spirit compassion and the discipline of guidance and correction. Jesus never beat his disciples as many pastor beat their sheep too harshly. We know the necessity discipline, for it’s no different from our earthly parents and teachers. This grooms us for the partaking of His holiness, Heb 12:3-11.

The best servant/leader straddles successfully nurturing with discipline. Under these conditions, a person will be whole, full of joy, peace, purpose and the Holy Spirit. They do great exploits. Dan 11:32

Until the non believers see Christians loving each other in America, they will scorn and laugh at our powerlessness and disunity. They’ll also be mesmerized by the occult, witchcraft and New Age gurus.

On thing is most needful. Near the end of Richard Sigmund’s book, Jesus said,

" My people have lost their compassion, I highly desire compassion in my children. In this they show my Father's love"

I pray that we all look in the mirror and ask ourselves, do we truly have the Father's compassion. Are we more concerned about our Facebook social status, designing and maintaining our websites and soliciting funds for our new building or soup kitchen. God is not concerned about any of that. He is concerned about the condition of broken souls. He is seeking willing and compassionate servants to heal, transform and restore. He has a plan for everyone. Jer 29, 11

Are you listening and acting with love in your heart today?

LIVING UNDER the GUN and BREAKING FREE, Part 1


I awoke with a start to tough hands grabbing the hair at the back of my neck.
“Get up and make love to me,” my three-hundred pound husband growled viciously.

“No!”

Before I knew what was happening,  Steven threw his full weight upon my head and shoulders. He was trying to smother me. Something that I’d held in check for the  year and a half of his stalking and emotionally violating  me welled inside of me and exploded into a burst of energy.  My upper body arched upwards with a strength I’d never experienced and he was thrown off balance. I then jumped on his chest and grabbed his hair.

“If you ever touch me again, I’ll kill you.”

That ended the year and a half of courtship and marriage in hell. I will never forget that night. I’d endured demonic fits of rage and hatred directed towards me and anyone who was my friend or family member. Steven threatened to kill my sisters if they didn’t stay out of our business and reminded me  if I didn’t marry him, he would track me down to the far ends of the earth and kill me. I walked on egg shells everyday in fear of upsetting him. He forbade me to wear anything attractive and God forbid a man should lay eyes on me. They would also be threatened. Everything set  Steve off.

I got the shock of my life when after our wedding ceremony and dinner, he took every check and cash gift and deposited in his account. I never saw a dime.  His heartless control of every aspect of my life made me want to kill myself, but I had my two precious cats I didn’t want to leave behind. I was certain God hated me to put me in bondage to this monster of a man I was forced to marry.  It became more and more debilitating to daily deal with Steven’s  extreme  moods and equally traumatic to realize I was vulnerable and defenseless. Wherever I turned, there was no help. Even my pentecostal pastor and his elders were useless in their prayers to stop  Stevens violence and hatred. My weight plummeted and I lost all hope that God cared.

Looking back, I realize that even though totally unequipped and ignorant about demon-possession, God had a purpose in allowing such a trial. It was a lesson that would give me confidence and strength for the years to come.

My journey to spiritual freedom and confidence would take almost two decades.  As I share my journey with you, I pray that you can avoid unnecessary pitfalls of spiritual bondage and a defeated Christian lifestyle. I’m thankful to Yeshua, Jesus Christ, for His gentle healing and especially God’s word which have truly established my being and identity! I am forever grateful that I stuck it out with Him through my many blazing fiery trials.

How it came to the point of marrying such a disturbed man can be traced back to my early girlhood. I always had a very timid demeanor and was easily frightened by my mother and father’s  displays of anger and disapproval. I remember well two of my earliest traumas.

My father was trying to teach me how to tell time.  As my father repositioned the hands of the clock and I answered wrong, he knocked me with his strong fist on my forehead.  I cried each time and couldn’t wait for my lesson to end.  Though he didn’t criticize  me, I was still wounded with shame that I couldn’t understand how time worked.

Years later, when I was about twelve another devastating incident forever solidified my fearful temperament. My six-year-old sister was running around the house noisily and my mother exploded in a rage.  She lunged towards my little sister and  pushed her to the floor. I  screamed hysterically as she was stomping on my little sisters legs.

“Mommy, “Mommy, please, stop!”

I grabbed my little sister and dragged her to my room, where I tried to comfort her.  From that point on, I became easily nauseated every time I sensed my mother’s mood was  darkening.

When my father enrolled us in Catholic school, my younger sister and I had a  ten block trip each morning. A few times, bully girls from the bad side of town, saw us, circled us and asked us what we were doing in their neighborhood.

“Weird-looking, half-white bitches, get outta here,” they spat and kicked us hard in our rear ends. We hurried to school tearfully and when we got home to tell our mother, she just scorned us. “What do you want me to do about it? Tell your father.”

My fear of angry, disapproving people continued to establish itself, but one thing for sure, I was very creative. I learned to sew very well by watching my mother and designed beautiful costumes. Teachers also complimented me about my illustrating talent. I could draw anything. My first love though, was fashion and I made beautiful paper dolls with outfits of their native land. My mother wasn’t impressed though, for one night, while the family watched the Osmond brothers perform on the Ed Sullivan show, she looked at us with disgust, “Look at those talented boys…and all I have are stupid bums who play with paper dolls.” Her words stung like a bee bite and all of us realized we could never be able to please her, no matter what we did.

Another  memory  that shamed me happened on my first day attending seventh grade art class. I had transferred from Catholic school and was the new kid.  Difficult as it was to transition from being the teacher’s pet and having adoring friends, I focused on my creativity.

That day, my classmates were immersed in a painting project. As I admired my handiwork, a tall, dark-skinned girl stood over me with a piece of black construction paper. Her coal-black eyes, glittered as she sneered as I looked into her eyes. I sensed she did not like me and my stomach lurched with anxiety.

“You see this,  here?”she hissed with disdain, “You are as black as this paper and don’t you ever forget it'”

Her utter scorn for me took me by such surprise that I was never the same. From that day forward, I’d questioned my worth and wondered did I deserve to take space on the earth.

My parents relationship got worse as I entered high school. The tension was  unbearable as my sisters and I heard my parents yelling and belittling each other nightly. I doubted my moms sanity as she threatened to call DYFS, (Division of Youth and Family Services) on the grounds that daddy and I were severely disturbed! Ddaddy moved out and soon after, a social worker came by one day to pick my younger sister who was sixteen months younger than me for placement in a foster home.  A few months later, six months before graduation, my mother called the police on me and I was ordered out of the house. My whole life was unraveling before my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it.

Anxiety, fear and self-loathing followed  me through high school. Though I managed to graduate, I knew that I had so much more potential.  All the tremendous stress, rejection and hostility of my life squelched my desires to be a professional musician and fashion designer. I grew restless and depressed and over ate bread and pasta.  When I put on ten pounds, mostly in my hips and thighs, I despised myself even more. I developed a shame complex to the point of my heart skipping a beat anytime women (or men) stared at my shape or  gazed into my features.  I often wondered what was wrong with me that I was so disrespected and scorned.

I managed to find  some gainful employment, but found few encouraging connections with the women.  Usually the urban women would stare at my backside and laugh behind my back.  I read an article in a fashion magazine about some college women controlling their weight through vomiting, so I tried it after my starvation diets  made me weak and desperate. Some of us don’t like to admit such a thing, but coming out of the closet will help some precious young girl or woman heal from abuse.

By 1981, I was a desperate sad human being.  But God knew I was ready for a change!

I settled into a rut, sharing my apartment with my best friend and room-mate.  Our only excitement was  hustling pool games at the Race Place, with our favorite handsome pool aficionados every week-end.  We befriended a nice guy who always preached about Jesus. Every week, he’s asked us, “When are you gonna get saved?”

We laughed and said, “Soon.”

After graduation, my room-mate went our separate ways and lost touch.  One week-end, I went back to visit the Race Place and bumped into Billy. He invited me to his church.

That night Billy picked me up, he explained that church would be a little different that what I would expect at a Catholic mass.

To this day, I’ll always remember my first experience at a Holy Ghost, Pentecostal, foot-stomping’ church service that scared the  life out of me.  Billy was right, my stoic Catholic worship experience didn’t quite prepare me for my first evening at Pastor Fox’s service.

The former marine, with the Jesus tattoo adorning his huge biceps and southern drawl  made me tremble with fear. He slammed his fist on his wooden pulpit and screamed, “If you die tonight…are you gonna go to heaven….or hell?” His glittering black eyes bore into my soul. My head was bowed down as I timidly tip-toed to the front of the room. I said the “sinners prayer” and became born-again that night.

I must admit, it was a bumpy start, but after I got accustomed to the hooting and hollering and the special connections I made with my sisters and brothers, I settled in. For the first time in my life, I felt part of an accepting and loving family. I felt more secure. Several of the sisters were musical and invited me to be part of their music ministry to the areas nursing home patients. I was exhilarated singing three-part harmony with the church twins.  I was blooming like a rose and it seemed all the shame of my past disappeared. My life was so full and exciting, I had no interest in eating carbs. I soon lost fifteen pounds and was  delighted with my very slim shape.  So what happened?

A year into being a part of my new spiritual family, a church sister called me one afternoon to tell me that our pastor was in jail for child molestation of several children in our congregation. Our assistant pastor also charged him with adulterous relationships with several women and he was involved with  one of the twenty year old men. I was shell-shocked for a week. I loved and trusted my pastor. I couldn’t believe that while he preached holiness he was making love to a young man who himself bragged about staying pure until he married!

The devil must have had it out for me and/or God may have  groomed these traumatic incidents  I didn’t know. Something had to give.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion and how Jesus Christ intervened to begin transforming and establishing me to be His glorious workmanship. You’ll be amazed at the myriad  more trials that I had to endure before I finally became the spiritual Pit-bull I am today!

God bless you and if you’re in an abusive relationship, think about taking Jesus’ hand and letting Him heal you!

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