By His Stripes… You are Healed


My Dystonia Journey

Note: If you are suffering from Dystonia, Parkinson, MS, Lupus, Fibromyalgia or any of the host of neurological disorders, please have an open heart, research. Please don’t allow drugs to diminish the quality fo your life. Pain is a killer, yes, but Christ is Life. I have no words to convince you to seek passionately and incessantly for the root issue your illness.  If anything…after eight long, tormenting years of suffering agonizing pain and humiliation, God is our only answer and cure! BTW, still can’t find a cure? Look into spiritual Christian deliverance. According to pastor Henry Wright strongholds and generational issues could be the root of you not receiving your healing. This is all so complicated, but at Pastor Wrights Healing    seminars we learned that small insidious sins such as unforgiveness, bitterness, resentments and even innocent emotions such as deep grieving can block us from healing. Deliverance sessions with a empathetic and  Holy-Spirit-filled counselor can release your ability to receive Jesus healing! check out Henry Wright on Sid Roth. His book,  A More Excellent Way, Be In Health, is a life changer.God bless you on your healing journey. Please pass this blog on to any of your loved ones or family members who are sick. This blog may change your life forever

Journal Entry, April 3, 2016 4:50 pm

So, It’s just a little past spring and I’m delighting in the glorious  blooming of my favorite “snow-busters” crocuses. I really had expected that I would be outside brisk-walking and getting back my size four shape. The violent muscle-pulling of my neck  kept me house bound and stuck sitting most of the winter day,  fashioning my beaded chokers. Stringing the beads were just about the only therapy which kept the violent mouth-jaw-tongue and neck spasms from sending me to a nervous breakdown. Of course, my reliance has been and continues to be on my heavenly Father giving me strength and declaring my healing scriptures otherwise, I would be toast!

Mark and I continue to research and scour the internet for any treatment or new breakthroughs in Dystonia, neurological disorders or tremors. We’re researching the treatment protocol to address the mold contamination situation which started in our old home. A Christian sister prayed with me one day last year and insisted I check into the possibility that it was contributing to the Dystonia symptoms and mild seizures. She said the myco-toxins were dangerous and I shouldn’t wait to let myself get sicker.   I trusted her spiritual wisdom and insight, but Mark wasn’t sure that could be the issue, and besides  the tests to find out about mold are very hard to come by. Any doctors who did treat mold were in very exclusive areas and charged at least a grand just to get in the door. After finding out about the cost, Mark got disgusted and gave up…and I continued to get worse!

Even thought, just getting through each hour was arduous and exhausting, my empathy and compassion for those enduring devastating, chronic and unexplained sickness grew. I ‘m more passionate than ever to help others find healing and wholeness.

So many things encapsulate a movement disorder condition.  Besides, the loneliness, isolation and people unable to care and/or empathize with  the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual ramifications of Dystonia, FibroMyalgia, Parkinson’s Lupus or MS, there is the frustration and hopelessness of never  leaving the bodily prison. Worse yet, are the consequences of being addicted to pain-killers and other anti-confirmatory drugs.

I hope the following conversation I had with a freind educates other sufferers of immune and/or nerve disorders. The name is changed  for privacy

Damaris:

I just hate to see u in pain. Aside from lethargy and sluggishness, which I know all too well from my meds, do the meds help w tremors
Do u have trouble eating or swallowing. Is that how u keep your youthful, zero fat shape.
Me:

BTW, just to add, I’m waiting to get my book ready for publication. Editing takes great segacity. Excelling at my craft for the Lord far exceeds the issue of NOT being in pain. Choosing to stay alert, (Mark has great immune system challenges also) & I have to be on top of everything regrading knowledge of immune-enhancing supplements, herbs and especially keeping up with label reading,, a new priority since this evil government seeks to weaken the population thru vaccinations , GMO and our produce being tainted. Not to even elaborate on the toxicity of Splenda, Sucralose, MSG and high fructose corn syrup now being added to most foods and beverages. HFC makes makes people even fatter..Daily exercise is also a priority for me. I need to keep fit because Mark’s back has severe herniated disks and he couldn’t do any taxing physical work like chopping the wood or a lot of snow shoveling. I’m adamant about fitness and there’s the necessity of being so in case of any impenitent  EMP situation. God help those who are overweight  or physically debilitated in anyway!  You know, I would have had cancer also if  it not were for my Biblical declaration of Healing scriptures and researching everything I can about keeping my body cancer-free.
Regarding drugs for tremors, Sinemet and other muscle relaxers do little to get to the root of the  spasms. And besides, I don’t have a Parkinson or tremor problem. I have a nerve spasm issue from pinched nerves from the TMJ ligament and trying to detoxify my body from a past severe Carbon monoxide poisoning which did a number on my body.
Damaris: Any Dr mention wiring jaw wiring for what?
Damaris,  miracles abound for people getting astounding healing from Jesus, our Divine healer. Doctors know almost nothing about the body & how God created it to heal itself! I watch the 700 club, Copelend, Andrew Wommack ministries and many evangelical outreaches, German evangelist Rinehard Bonnke have prayed for miracles all over the world, especially in third-world nations. I’ve heard of testimonies on the Sid Roth Program of people whose limbs restored. Others had eyes restored where their eye sockets were empty. God created new eyes! Others gave testimonies of God giving them brand new organs like lungs, a new heart and  kidneys.
So, Mark and I don’t put too much trust in most mortal doctors who  are revered almost as gods. Mark insists they practice medicine.  Most of them could care less to passionately research new holistic and natural healing modalities. They’d not get their extra thousands from the kickback drug companies give them! Most of them are charlatans who rob poor working-class people and their greed compels them to aspire to  another Lamborghini. Remember, the drug industry is a billion dollar industry.
The Bible frowns on drugs and the overuse and dependence on them is overrated.  Drug are not conducive in any way to healing and wholeness of the body or mind and God’s people should not be so gullible and foolish to fall under the temptation to depend on them. (In rare cases, God may allow them  to stabilize a severe health issue, like blood pressure or high  blood sugar),  but we should all approach drugs with great caution and  education about side effects. they may be used We should seek the counsel and wisdom of Holy Spirit for everything and most particularly, our health and well-being.
.
In Galatian 5:20,
pharmakeia: the use of medicine, drugs or spells

Original Word: φαρμακεία, ας, ἡ
Part of Speech: Noun, Feminine
Transliteration: pharmakeia
Phonetic Spelling: (far-mak-i’-ah)
Short Definition: magic, sorcery, enchantment
Definition: magic, sorcery, enchantment.

Most of the time the drugs have more side effects than the condition itself. Sadly, many people don’t care to do their research for natural cures, (or prevention in the first place). Why aren’t physicians teaching patients how to prevent sickness? 
God’s people should ask the question and ponder the manner in which our precious healer, Jesus Yashuah suffered and bore the lashes on his back and body so we could walk in divine healing! His bruising was beyond our comprehension and manuscripts have yet to describe to true  totality of his battered body for our healing and benefit God’s children are already healed and we have the authority to be healed in His name This is another reason I walk with and serve my Lord, so what doctors offer is of little worth or help. Mark and I will have to continue to seek a Holy Spirit-filled doctor who is in touch with Christ and has the right diagnostic equipment to pinpoint  the root cause of this Dystonia.
I’m thankful for my Facebook sister with the gift of discernment who originally pointed me in a good direction. Mold poisoning , (Myco-Toxins)  often mimic neurological disorders, so besides sharing my other blogs about possible causes, I pray this one will help also.

BEAUTIFUL hand-beaded, one-of-a-kind Chokers


fall,2014 136

About Artist,Anita Ivette Ferrer

Anita Ivette Ferrer thought her unexpected health affliction would be short-lived. She didn’t expect to be still struggling over seven years later from Dystonia, a mysterious movement disorder which doctors say has no known cause nor cure. Anita is used to engaging challenging circumstances, but her latest has brought her to the forefront of uncharted territory Faith in Jesus Christ in hand coupled with an iron will propels her to new heights of spiritual self-discovery, supernatural trust in God and ultra creativity.

fall,2014 139

When she wakes up each morning, she inwardly dreads another day coping with the pain and fatigue which could restrict her ability to live a normal life. But as she gets up from her bed, she relies upon Christ to empower her with strength and hope for the day! Her prayers are always answered as she tackles her house chores, outreach to the bedridden, elderly and dying and her creative endeavors.

fall,2014 128 my collection of Beautiful chokers
Quite by accident, Anita found a temporary respite from her violent facial twitching while repairing some old broken beaded chokers. She found that focusing upon the fine beadwork caused the muscles to cease pulling! The next thing she knew, she was spending more and more time at the craft stores purchasing unique, beautiful beads for her new passion!

Anita, 1989 Magna Cum Laude Brookdale Community College graduate whose major studies were in the humanities and social services, never imagined that a condition like Dystonia would lead her back to her childhood talent, designing!

fall,2014 139Anita believes with all her heart that her healing could be just a heart beat away. Though each day continues to be a struggle, God inspires her to keep the momentum going! She has learned through overcoming battle with chronic Lyme Disease, poverty, child abuse and domestic violence that in order to grow, one must re-invent themselves! Though she’s had to greatly curtail her performing and song-writing due to the spasms, her beaded jewelry design has taken her to new levels of exciting creativity and an opportunity to share her craft with the world. She also hopes to educate the public about Dystonia and movement disorders which are increasing. As yet the only treatments for Dystonia are Botox injections and DPS Deep Brain stimulation which Anita feels would not help her symptoms.

Anita resides with her husband and their cats in Browns Mills, NJ. She is also available to minister in music at your church or special event.

close up anita OG

fall,2014 106

 

 

 

 

 

Purchase of Anita’s creations helps her to continue ministering to the elderly, disable and hospice patient. You can find out more about Anita via her http://www.anitaivetteferrer.wordpress.com blogsite

Anita Ivette Ferrer
Anita Ivette Ferrer One of a Kind Designs
Brave Flame Productions & Outreach
Po Box 102, Bradley Beach, NJ 07720
609-893-2397

Prices range from $25 to $70

Christmas special two for one price `

Proceeds to Dystonia research and Brave Flame Productions & Outreach

A Tailor’s Journey With Her Taylor


private party sparta GOLF CLUB,b

A Tailor’s Journey With Her Taylor

Before I fell in Love with music, I was a skilled tailor by trade. As a young girl, I watched my mother sew with thread and needle. I tried my hand and found I was skilled. By sixth grade, I was designing the medieval costumes for school plays and continued to take fashion and seamstress courses in high school. After graduation, to make ends meet, I tailored for various local seamstress shops and even at Abraham and Strauss.

After several years, I grew restless sitting at a sewing machine all day. I hoped for an out and got one a few months after my new job at a fine ladies dress shop. I altered very expensive clothing and was very stressed. One day, a month into my stint at a fine ladies dress shop, I was working on a suit. My mind drifted. I wasn’t paying attention to the heat of my iron. To my horror, the iron touched the lining of the suit’s sleeve and melted a noticeable hole. My supervisor discovered it the next day and I was fired.

I became very depressed and for over a year, I languished directionless and unmotivated, going to different neighborhoods for garden work and leaf raking. It was a very difficult and uncreative time, but I had to pay my rent. I prayed to God for a miracle and knew that He had something very special for me.

In 1989, I befriended a talented guitar player who asked me to front his Christian heavy metal/hard rock band. Chris liked my voice and I ended up writing lyrics for him and his drummer. We fell in love, soon discovered we had some differences and less than a year later, we broke up. The band also fell apart.

Time healed our wounds. Chris and I resumed our friendship and he has remained my long-time song-writing partner, contributing greatly to my recorded songs. he is one of the most creative lead guitarists I’ve ever worked with.

Fast forward, a few years later, a surprising and unexpected door opened! My friend and spiritual mother and I were enjoying a crisp, fall day at the Collingswood Auction flea market. We were searching the small stores for treasures. At one store, she noticed a handsome, pony-tailed guy eying something in a counter. “Mom” Winnie tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if he was a guitar player.

“I’m helping my friend find a suitable guitarist to accompany her for her gigs,” she explained.

Jeff was so gracious and asked her if I had any music he could buy. He followed us to my car where I had a copy of my first, recently printed CD, “I’ll Fly High”. Then we exchanged numbers. Imagine my surprise when I arrived home and found his message on my answering machine!

“That voice! That voice” he gloated. I called him.

“With that gorgeous voice you need to be accompanying your own self on guitar,” Jeff urged.

The next week, Jeff came over with his guitar, sat me down and showed me the fingerings of a few basic chords. He urged me to get comfortable with it and play every day.

By the end of the week, I’d fallen in love with his guitar. Two weeks later, I wrote my first song, an acoustic ballad, Receive.” A month later, I felt confident enough to play my own guitar at a church coffeehouse and a woman even accepted the Lord as her Savior at the end of the concert as we prayed together! People responded so well to my voice, that I bought a jazz chord book so I could experiment with different chords. I wrote “Basket Case” a week later!

DSCN1786

Jeff was so impressed that he planned to take me on a shopping spree for my own guitar. We made plans to visit Nothing New Music store, Lakehurst, NJ, Taylor guitars were advertised. When the owner, Ken Sturcke. offered to show his three Taylors he wanted to sell, Jeff’s eyes lit up. He was especially impressed by a certain model because of her rich-bodied tome and cherry wood. After playing a few more leads, Jeff smiled, “Well that settles it, Ken, Anita’s gonna take this Taylor.”

I balked at the list price, but Ken said he would give me a great deal on the Taylor.

“Your angelic voice must be accompanied by this Taylor,” Ken assured me.

I was so excited, I knew this was a God thing! Ken prayed with me that God would bless my artistry and ministry with the Taylor. I knew in my heart that we’d soon be making wonderful history.with her. When I got home, I pondered the sudden timeliness of purchasing such an expensive thing as a guitar, I knew God would make a way for me to pay for her…and He was faithful

Within a month, I had the full thousand dollars. I didn’t even have to pay for the seventy-five dollars tax because I served with a non-profit organization. Our executive director said that my singing/ministering was a part of the organization ministry.

I’ll never forget that day I walked out of Ken’s store with my exquisite Taylor. The following year, I was continually inspired to write new songs, experimenting along the way with the unique jazz chords I’d found in my book. The Taylor kept up her true tuning despite humidity and the cold. My Taylor was so well-crafted that I never suffered the embarrassment of an out-of-tune guitar at the start of my set. My Taylor continued to give me excellent, service for all my gigs as well as funeral/wake service.

Opening for Highway 9, STONE PONY

Fast forward again, a few years later, I had to make an impromptu visit to a friend who was dying of cancer. I’d just came home from grocery shopping and had left my Taylor outside, next to the rear of my car. After dusk, I hurried to start my car and proceeded to back out. Each time I tried to go in reverse, the car would stop. Something was caught by the wheel. As I tried backing out the third time, I suddenly remembered I’d left my Taylor outside. When I got out of my car, I shrieked in horror. The top part of the Taylor’s case was mangled! I almost passed as I bent down to take a closer look. I felt weak with shock as I gingerly opened the case to inspect the damage. The upper neck was in bad shape. Tears fell from my eyes as I ran back to my apartment to call my boyfriend about the terrible news. He calmed me down and then I called my pastor. He prayed with me that the Taylor was not so badly damaged that she couldn’t be played again.

I called Ken, told him what had happened with my Taylor. He suggested a friend who owned a luthier shop in Toms River. I brought the Taylor to Paul Unkert and he said the Taylor was repairable. He couldn’t guarantee that she’d stay in tune, but he would do the best he could. It turned out that the truss rod had not been damaged.

My Taylor had another accident again, about three years ago. She was in her case, standing vertical. The case just fell over, slamming violently to the floor. Again, the upper neck came apart. Again, Paul Unkert came to rescue and again, Amazingly, The Taylor still kept her tune!

Soon after the Taylor’s second accident and repair, I fell ill with a mysterious condition which affected my neurological system. Fearful, my husband and I saw a doctor who diagnosed me with Dystonia. He had no idea what caused it nor a cure to give me relief. My neck & throat muscles pulled and twitched violently. I made strange-looking facial grimaces and was exhausted by mid-day. I lost all interest in socializing, my hobbies, eating, song-writing and gigging. The Dystonia also affected my mouth, teeth and tongue. I felt like a freak. I was always anxious that at any moment, my teeth would comp down hard on my tongue and I’d be a bleeding mess.I was miserable!

Anita strummin' fall 2009
I forced myself to leave the house and make something of my life. I ended up visiting the elderly, ailing and handicapped seniors at Buttonwood Hospital. I found when I made the sacrifice, I was so rewarded giving joy and music to those suffering more than me! Amazingly, when I sang with her, my tremors lessened!

Dystonia has been vicious to me, often robbing me of creativity, motivation and joy BUT God…has always provided me with strength and hope each day as I continue to seek a cure and restore my former life. There’s no room for bitterness or resentment when I see people in worse shape. God is my strength and I live moment by moment, one day at a time.

Playing Christmas Hymms on my guitar with Pastor Matt

As I continued struggling with my symptoms, the beautiful Taylor seems to take on her own voice. Often, I’m in such distress I can’t stop crying. I’d suddenly stop as lyrics flowed through my mind. I grabbed my Taylor and wrote beautiful laments-songs, sometimes within 15 minutes! From this painful year came enough material for a my first worship Psalms CD, “The Anointing.”

“I’ve Come Here To Worship” is one such song that unendurable;e pain inspired me to write. Weeping is always followed by praise and worship when I acquiesce to His presence and get out of my self! Many more songs have come from this place of suffering.

My Taylor possesses another special quality: a magnetic attraction to nature and wildlife. One such episode was when I stopped to relax on a park bench in Marine Park, Red Bank, NJ for some solitude.I faced the undulating, peaceful Navesink river, The skies were blue with puffy white clouds. I noticed a school of fish congregating to where I was. At first, I thought it was coincidence that they lingered right there in front of me. Every time I stopped playing to take a short break, they swan away. As soon as they heard the strains of my voice and guitar, they floated back towards me. It was pretty amazing! I felt like the Pied Piper. Birds and dragon flies are also prone to linger whenever I play and sing.

The most transcendent episode with my Taylor though, has been when I had to minister at a funeral service. She accompanied me at the bedside of a my husband’s best friend’s dying father. I sang amazing Grace and my Psalm 91 and encouraged him not to be afraid of where he was going. I felt like Monica of “Touched By an Angel’

“Do you know how much God loves you,” I tenderly whispered to Claude’s father as I held his hand.

He died a few days later and I was asked to sing a song for his memorial service. I sang Psalm 91 again.

When my husband and I arrived at the Catholic church, we were surprised to find out the cantor had not even expected me to sing. Nonetheless, God gave me favor and the cantor told me where I would be in the program. As I walked to the podium to sing my solo. I noticed the sublime ambiance of the stain-glassed surroundings of the church. My pristine soprano reverberated and I felt like an angel singing glory to God. After the service, family and friends met at the banquet hall nearby. When I went to the ladies room, I noticed a woman pulling my husband aside. When I met him at our table, he told me the woman was an old family friend and had to tell him something.

“I must tell you that your wife has a beautiful voice… the voice of an angel My gift is seeing into the supernatural realm. As your wife was singing,I saw cherubim gathered around her shoulder. They were dancing gleefully and celebrating!”

I was very surpassed to hear that from my husband but it made sense in light of the precious way, the Taylor and music entered my life. It was so extra-ordinary, no one could deny God’s hand in this magical and sublime gift. My Taylor and I were a mesmerizing pair! Another amazing thing is that no one in my family was a musician or had a calling for ministry.

Performing at Buttonwood
At present I am without my Taylor. This spring’s unusual humidity caused my Taylor’s neck to come apart again, so she is waiting for a miracle. I’ve been performing and ministering with Jeff’s guitar and though she is wonderful sounding, nothing compares to my Taylor.

I’m praying to continue ministering at the hospitals, finish the recording of my “Anointing” Cd and to be ready when there is a need for people to come into God’s presence. I know I’m called to continue recording and performing the exquisite psalms my heavenly Father inspires me to write. I wait expectantly to see the next miracle with my Taylor!

For the Love of People


Pee-Wee loves to minister!

Pee-Wee loves to minister!

For the LOVE of People

Coming from a broken family, enduring bullying as a teen and surviving domestic violence and divorce, Anita Ferrer, went on a quest to understand human behavior and relationships.

After accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of her life in 1982, Anita was introduced to ministering to the elderly in nursing homes and later speaking to the incarcerated at Correctional facilities and maximum security prisons. Her faith walk drew her into a compassionate love affair with hurting, broken and ailing people. The pain, loss and failures of her own life gave her a passion to understand and help restore the lives of people who had lost their way or were alone.
Anita’s praying and seeking for more schooling in the areas of social sciences led her to study the humanities at Brookdale Community College, Lincroft, NJ. Under the tutelage of supportive professors who helped her to explore the dynamics of being human, she blossomed. “On Death and Dying,(Hospice)” “Writing from the Female Experience” and her “Advance Creative Writing Projects” with Dr Carl Calender continued to hone and meld her writing with outreach/ministry.

Immediately after graduating magna-cum-laude with a 3.85 GPA, Anita was hired as a Behavior Modification counselor at Nutri-System Weight Loss Center and as a youth mentor for the Youth Advocate Program in Eatontown, NJ. These two positions gave her the hands-on experience to teach, encourage and “help “soul sculpt” people from many ages and backgrounds struggling with challenges in their lives.

Pee-Wee loves momma Betty!

Pee-Wee loves momma Betty!

In 1998, Anita was hired as program coordinator of “Just the Right Touch, ” a ministry of “Love in the Name of Christ”, Eatontown, NJ. The unique program for misplaced and young women entering the job force from the welfare rolls, primed her for running a ministry boutique for the poor of Monmouth County, NJ. She cherishes deeply, the people she meet and helped to get back on their feet.

Presently, Anita is finishing up the recording of her two CD’s, “Mod Prophet” a hard rock “message” tinged work and The Anointing, her first worship and Praise CD. In between looking after her husband, cats, designing photography books and home, she regularly ministers to her favorite people, the elderly at Buttonwood Hospital, Burlington, NJ and her mom and other residents at Brandywine assisted Living center, Bricktown NJ. Her ministry cat Pee-Wee, who accompanies her, always brings smiles to the residents!

DSCN2164

Anita smiles, “ I’m so blessed to do my ministry outreach to those with so many more problems than me as I recuperate from a long period of :Lyme Disease, Dystonia, (a neurological disorder) and mercury I’m recovering soon and doing even more. I love seeing others restored! I look to Jesus and depend on Him, moment to moment for the strength to be as creative and productive each day. No matter how bad I feel, He’s always there. And I also couldn’t do it all without my precious husband, Mark!”

Performing at Buttonwood

GOD’S DREAMS


Journal Entry, May 8, 2010

The gown in the window of “Elegant Alternative” bridal shop caught my eyes, at a canary yellow confection that made me stop in my tracks. I inched closer to take a better look. My fried flounder at next door’s MR Shrimp would have to wait. Slightly in back of the featured yellow gown was another glorious gown of white with sweeping turquoise & lime green swirls and flowers outlined in matching sequins. I imagined myself sitting at a sewing machine whipping up one of these for  myself and as an internationally known and loved fashion designer.

I took a fifteen minute  meal break from my back-breaking job delivering telephone books. As a fifteen year old with aspirations of  designing outrageously glitzy gowns for Cher, I  never would have imagined I’d be battling horrendous traffic to the loading dock and then spending the day dragging phone books up and down hills with my hand cart in Shark River Hills, Neptune, NJ.

A far cry from a glamorous life sewing in a beautiful downtown Manhattan showroom and having the upper echelon of wealthy rock stars, models and actresses hurrying to make appointments to see my collection and buy! Each latest design would be featured in the top Fifth Avenue  fashion publications. Over the years, one or two opportunities came my way, but because of so many oppositions and mishaps facing me, all fell through. Like Joseph languishing in prison, professionals, (Christian and non-Christian)  in my desired fields of music and fashion all forgot about me. Over many years, I struggled greatly with depression, wondering why God never allowed me to be internationally known.

When overwhelmed and tired from the physical strain of my job, I’m often tempted to regret and mourn about what could have been. I know the enemy is constantly directing our thoughts to the past, hurts and mistakes. But I know that God has planned my life and is orchestrating circumstances for His glory!  I don’t always remember, But I know that praising Him and thanking Him for all circumstances keeps me close to Him and in His will. I can’t blame God for old unwise choices or for fears that stopped me from taking a step of faith.  Fear is a great killer of God’s dreams., but He is a God of second chances. Thankfully, when we shirk from a great opportunity because we think we aren’t ready and we lose a chance for a breakthrough, He still has a plan B or C.

My dream may have been to madly pursue a Fashion Design career, but God has already promoted me to a new calling. I’ve accepted and look expectantly and with diligence to the next great thing He’s already ordained. I hope I can encourage others who’s progress and dreams have been thwarted because of fear. It is never too late for God to restore and exalt. We must wait upon Him and then we will soar with wings as eagles.

MOVING ALONG at a SNAIL’S PACE


Journal Entry, Tuesday,  September 6, 2011

Well, to me Summer is over. The leaves on my favorite little tree in our backyard has already changed to speckled orange and cranberry. I’m wistful as I look out the window to a grey, cool and rainy Tuesday, the day after Labor Day. Mark had to work again & I had I regretted that I got no visits or calls from friends or family.

Today marks four years and a half years since my Dystonia diagnosis,  I’ve come a long way, spiritually, but my progress in other areas have been intelligible. I read the blogs of fellow Dystonia sufferers and I just start to weep. Many shake violently. Some have given up their favorite hobbies. Most have become so dependent on their loved ones and families that they have lost their sense of  affirmation. That’s what a catastrophic illness does.

To be totally honest, watching Alex, (a 27 year-old Dystonia sufferer)  on the Montel William’s show was heart-rending.  I couldn’t  get through the first minute without crying this still-beautiful young woman shares that she had planned to be a dancer. Sharing this poignant struggle and journey, I wonder how others like her deal with Dystonia.  Regardless, she has become an inspiration to those of us suffering from movement disorders.

http://www.thedoctorstv.com/main/content/Alexs_Story

Each day, thoughts and emotions about mortality, usefulness, attractiveness and career aspirations flood my mind. It seems the quality of my life has diminished drastically since graduation from Brookdale College  in 1989.  So seeing Alex struggle through life, I ponder how she gets along each day. I feel compelled to join the an advocacy crusade to help people like her continue to live productive and fulfilling lives.

The focus of any difficult condition is living as normal a life as possible and I’ve worked very hard to do so in spite of such vicious discomfort and exhaustion.  Hiding in my house was is not the plan God has for me.  There is a purpose  and I’m determined to make the best of it so that others can look to Him to thrive and shine.

Few conditions so steal so much as Dystonia because our bodies are totally out of control. The constant movement drains the life, energy and any creative desire. All I want to do is be unconscious and right now, my teeth  has already clenched down hundreds of times. The muscles at the nape of my neck are already very tight and my tongue is sore from scabs where my teeth have bitten right through. Is there anyone out there who has a tongue swollen with bite marks?

So…what good things can I say about my battle with Dystonia?  I continue to express my sadness and hopes for the future through my blogs and journaling. They’ve helped greatly to daily assuage the anger and frustration of hating to wake up and to address my longing for  my life to return to normal again.  I’m impassioned about mentoring people in the health/nutrition advocacy and hope to  educate the public about the seriousness of our tainted air, food and water supply and how it contributes to neurological disorders like MS, PPS Alzheimer and Parkinson’s Disease.

I yearn to understand how my body works and how the immune system can break down from outside poisoning assaults.  Movement disorder victims are increasing and they will continue to increase until we health advocates demand clean food and water! Our bodies can’t work efficiently when we are constantly inundated with pollution, fluoride, heavy metals and artificial chemicals.  The liver, kidneys and gall bladder become blocked. Victims of MS and movement disorders have lost most of their Myelin  sheath because of heavy metals. I believe the key to my healing will be to purge my body of metals and accumulated toxins, not drugs.

How have I really coped the past four and half years?  Not well, because I’m such a creative and curious person who loves to produce and learn about everything wonderful. I feel as if my emotions are muffled and find it almost impossible to connect deeply with anyone. Dystonia has also affected my femininity and assessment of who I am as a child of God.  I must rely heavily on God’s promises that assure my worth through His love and grace for me. That is difficult when all my life I’ve strived to stay fit, poised, trim, focused and intuitive.  All these have fallen to the wayside. I can’t even try to look attractive. It takes too much effort.  Right now, just getting through the next hour is a challenge

I’ve also become clumsy and drop things continually. At times it’s been so unbearable, all I can do is weep until I can’t weep anymore.  The hard part sometimes, is no one wants to talk about their struggles, especially Christians. Most of them give a trite scripture verse.  Sure no one wants to hear complaining or talk all the time about how bad you feel, but dog-gone-it, tell me how you deal with  honestly!

On the plus side, I’m blessed to share every tear, angry outburst and prayer with my Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ, my dear spiritual family on Facebook and Indie heaven. My wonderful husband, Mark has been my defender and companion and  courageously bears with me in out battle together. Without the Lord,  though, I know I would have killed myself.

Thankfully Dystonia has  not affected my pure Soprano singing  voice or my fingers when I play guitar or do deft handwork on the hand-made cards I design. I take advantage of days where I’m not overly spamming.

Dystonia has ddefinitely dampened my desire to aggressively promote my music and books.  It takes tremendous amounts of energy,  time and focus and the draining and continuous movements leave me few hours of productivity.

I started my 4th original CD, Mod Prophet in 2007, shortly before the first spasms. Since then, I’ve had a severe curtailment of inspiration to write new songs. Once in a great while, during moments of  overwhelming grief, a new song will burst out of me.  “I’ve Come Here to Worship” is one such song that was borne during such a time and a dear friend has created a beautiful video which can be seen on You-tube.!

The most wonderful thing I can share about this painful  time is the reality of God’s sweet presence that has always sustained me throughout my life, but most especially these past four and a half years.  He always come in at the weakest times like a fresh, soothing rain to cool my parched and weary spirit. Perhaps that is the miracle of suffering!

My blogging/journey writing has also blossomed amazingly, allowing me the comfort and unrestricted platform to express my grief, sadness, regrets and joys.  In spite of the great and taxing weight of such a condition, God has truly  used me as His conduit,  (surprisingly) the areas of hospice, hospital visitation and at funerals.

I was told by a woman attending my husband’s best friend’s father’s funeral, that while I was singing my song, she saw giggling cherubs surrounding me. The woman was able to see into the spiritual realm. She insisted that I pay attention to my gift of healing to the sick and dying!

Expectations must be greatly lowered when you grapple with Dystonia. A neat, orderly house, beautiful trim, figure and a focused faith walk all fall apart and are often inconstant and sporadic. I often feel like I failed in my attempts to please God with my good behavior and faithful spiritual service. Since a young girl, much was expected of me by my father, my pastor, employers s and closest friends.

I try to make as much sense of it all as I can, but in the end, it is the Lord who sustains my balance and sanity.  Perhaps He is using this illness to make me dependent on Him and to show me I must learn to ignore people’s scrutiny, harsh judgments and  criticism, however well-intentioned. The Dystonia may have even be caused by years and years of conflict, hostile interactions and  too-high expectations placed on a fragile, and sensitive young woman trying to find her way in the world.

Dystonia may be just a complete break-down of my immune system and God wants to completely overhaul my whole body!

When ever I weep about the lost person I was because of this illness, God gently reminds me of His wonderful and tender promises. His grace is sufficient for me gauging my spiritual walk with others who enjoy good health is no longer an option. When I ‘m drained mentally and emotionally from trying to cope with the myriad  and mundane small tasks and chores I need to do each day, Jesus is there  to remind me, “lay your burdens upon for my burden is light. People have placed too many demands that have broken me and now I await my precious Savior to restore me.

Come quickly Lord Jesus.

WHAT’S In A NAME?


Burqa-clad women walk around like silent ghosts without voices.  To us women in the developed countries , especially America,  they languish quietly as second class citizens with few choices. I’m grateful to live in such a wonderful country and that my beloved father brought me over to America as a young baby from Stuttgart, Germany. I couldn’t imagine traveling through life with a stifled voice, intellect and ability to contribute to my world.

We American women have ample opportunity to aspire to and reach the highest pinnacles of expression, education and spiritual enlightenment.  I’m also blessed to have had a father who instilled in me the virtues of independence, resourcefulness, high intellect and resilience in the face of great hardships. These are the staples of my character and integrity.

Papito was born on the island of  Puerto Rico in 1929. Though, the Depression held America in its grip, my grandmother would not allow poverty to affect her family.  She was fiercely independent. When my grandfather fell ill with  a lung ailment and had to be separate from the rest of the family, she fired her shotgun into the air each night to let prospective suitors know that she was not a pushover, didn’t need their assistance and had her family under control!

As a youngster, Papito was a very special and aspiring boy who sold enough produce from their farm to support his mother and 8 brothers and sisters.  Even at that age, he was an entrepreneur and his great skill at painting and lettering earned him a prestigious position with a local business man also surnamed Ferrer.

When Papito came to America, he joined the army and ended up stationed in Germany, where he met a beautiful, engaging blond. I was born nine months later followed by my younger sister, a year and a half later.  Papito was a serious and very disciplined man and decided to move to a more suburban area in New Jersey. He didn’t want to raise his girls in an urban environment like Paterson where most of his siblings settled.

Papito ended up buying a starter home in Long Branch. When I was six, another sister was added to the family and when I was ten, my last and youngest sister was born.  Papito stayed true to his religious roots and we were enrolled at Star of the Sea Catholic School.  He wanted us to have a quality education and  marry doctors and lawyers.

Catholic school was a fertile place for me to develop confidence in myself.  The nuns recognized my special talents in illustration, poetry and speaking and I was often chosen to read to the class. When Papito could no longer afford tuition, we were transferred to public schools. There, I retained my passion for the arts and discovered I also had a great creativity for fashion design and seamstressing.  I was asked to design and sew all the costumes for our medieval plays. By the time I was in seventh grade, I knew I was going to be a rock ck star/fashion designer when I grew up.

Eventually my parents irreconcilable different forced our family apart and I ended up in foster care. My world crashed, but somehow, I maintained a fierce dignity to survive. Papito’s  mentoring brought me through the storms.

After flailing and struggling for several years, a friend invited me to his church and I ended up committing my life to Jesus Christ.  A supernatural change came over me. I was told that God had a wonderful plan for my life and I was a new person. I couldn’t wait to finally explore my life.  Storms once again, interrupted my forward momentum in the guise of financial hardship, sickness and being hit by a car.

A break came through receiving a brochure in the mail from  Brookdale Community College and I welcomed the though of dreaming again.  I enrolled for fall semester and that began my upward climb to normality. Through malnutrition and poverty, I received grants and a full scholarship offer to Boston University. I managed to stay on the Deans list with a 3.85 GPA, graduating four years later with my Associates degree. My identity was now fully established and I was elated to  soar in my aspirations.

Several more storms assailed me, (including a violent and abusive failed marriage) and later an immune system breakdown from  a LYME Disease diagnosis.  The stress of my husband’s  emotional abuse and deportment threats caused me to break down physically and I was so weak I couldn’t work  I fell into a deep depression, but clung to my faith, knowing that I would ride out the latest storm in God’s strength. My recovery was very slow, but I gradually regained my strength and vision.

God opened up a door of opportunity through a childhood girlfriend who had been praying for me for many years. Diana called me, urging me to apply for a Christian non-profit organization, Love in the Name of Christ, that she worked for part-time.

Though I had no professional clothing for an interview, I made a strong impression on the executive Director, Carolyn Eyerman and Operations manager, John Hodem. Joan was a warm, yet professional woman with decades of experience in the social and healing services.  She saw something in me that I thought I had lost so long ago.  I was hired as program coordinator of my own business clothing and mentoring program!

Only God could have  orchestrated such an event and I was exhilarated that I was called to network with such inflectional professionals. My six-year tenure with Love Inc turned out to be the most supportive and joyous time of my life with me helping disconnected women, domestic violence victims and welfare women entering the work force for the first time! Many wonderful relationships were established because of Joan’s belief in me and I learned much from these professionals in the areas of ministry/outreach, education  and the social services. My confidence grew as other opportunities continued to present themselves.

My talent in singing and music also came to fruition with recording projects and performing in very upscale restaurants. I met many influential business people, pastors and CEOs as well as an MTV CEO, who hired me to do a private event at his mansion in Belmar.

Storms have continued to assail me with greater intensity. My faith has been stretched and God continues to give me glimpses of higher spiritual intuition and His  miraculous workings through me.  I’m continually inspired to chronicle my life and faith journey through new songs, books  and my photography. Most passionately though, is my desire to see broken people from all over the globe healed and transformed whether through personal or via my internet connections.

When God brought a wonderful man into my life, I was yet to experience an ever more relevant journey balancing two different perspectives, traditions, habits and decisions. I married my wonderful husband, Mark and we talked about my desire to be called by my family name. He had  no problem at all.

Strangely, the ones who adamantly refused to honor my request to be addressed at Anita Ferrer, were family members, Marks male friends and our church family!

Times have changed, people. In 2011, many women are keeping their family names, or hyphenating. It’s a personal choice now and some of us just don’t believe in a rigid, thoughtless tradition  borne in the 1800’s when women were their husband’s possession.  To each woman her own,  but I proudly wear my family name like a badge of honor. The name Ferrer is synonymous with my many weighty struggles, blood, sweat and tear lessons and victories. I’m a  phoenix who God himself has reconstructed and sculpted from the funeral pyre, a once almost disintegrated tangled mass scattered to the winds of tragedy.

This name, Ferrer was borne out of a great legacy, the struggle and the fruits of my grandmothers, father’s and my life skills,skills, history, successes and creativity. The jewels of my spiritual crown continue to bring forth fruits of creativity, deep intellect and empathetic passion and compassion for my fellow-man. Teofilo Cepeda Ferrer, Papito’s legacy encompass every part of me, the musical, literary artistry and intimate communication and friendships to a subliminal level.

I wear my father’s name with honor and will not cancel it out because tradition says I must. It epitomizes the extent of my commitment and faithfulness to an extra-ordinary life of leadership, civic and social contributions and also a lifestyle that is excellent and pleasing to my Heavenly Father.

I hope you all now understand my deep and personal reasons to be addressed and known by my family name.

I also hope younger women all over the world will think deeply about what their family name means to them as they prepare to unite with their soul mates. May they ponder the contributions and inheritances of their relatives, fathers or grandparents as I have pondered and cherished the depth and beauty of what my father and grandmother have passed down through me.

Wear your family  name proudly, young woman. It’s a brave new world! !

Previous Older Entries